Venting to try and stay sane...

This is more of a vent than anything so bear with me...

Mum went to the doctors today, nothing new to report but he has x-rayed her chest due to a persistent cough and given her a referral to a physio about her back.

She's in a mood with me because I lectured, and that's as good a word as any, her about combustion in wheat bags. I even gave her guidelines when she said she'd never heard of them catching on fire; one lot from the NSW fire brigade with the risks outlined. She thinks I'm worrying too much and being over dramatic. *shrug* You can smell the wheat bags through the house the next morning, a sort of burnt bread smell, but she can't smell it so it doesn't exist. It also gives her an excuse to criticise the cats and the smell of food/ trays if we mention smells.

Marie has upset Martha with a letter she sent her about Des. Think the Donna fiasco played out on a "Marie was always more spoilt, she and Lorna should never of said what they did after Leo died, etc" level. All the old jealousies that she has played out in us kids exacerbated by the loss of Des. I'm trying to be patient but don't know how to handle this. The Boi keeps telling me to communicate with her but its like talking to... well, let's be honest... Mum.

I never anticipated this when we talked about the move.

Worst of all is she has started doing over the top displays by purchasing things when the Boi and I try to help in anyway. I got an over priced pair of maternity pyjama's for driving her around for the funeral. I don't know if she's trying to out do The Boi's family or what but it makes me feel very uncomfortable and I wish she'd put the effort into her great grandchildren and grandchildren instead.

Oh! If she mentions the PJ's you can tell her how much I liked them. Except for the colour and the price I do. They are a great deal nicer than the granny nighties she keeps pushing.

Taking her to Spotlight was pointless. Walk in, look at wraps, look at wools and leave. Tut tut over the range of polar fleeces, sniff at the flannelettes and run down the suggestion of making PJ's like we bought after saying how she can copy things but isn't original in ideas. Going to Spotlight was her idea.

Worst of all for me is the side comments about how The Boi and I do things. "I don't want to sound critical but..." starts of the conversation. It's everything from how we prepare veggies, to what we buy, to our driving styles and choices regarding parenthood. I know Pete wants me to listen to her advice and try to meet her part way on things but he's not getting the full impact. It's not just me she's running down now. It's like she knows my two weakest points and is hammering at them. I can't hide in bed or the bath all the time but I'm losing it. And if she uses language that negates herself one more time I think I will.

I'm trying to apply the skills we learnt in the course. I'm trying to be patient. I'm losing me, I'm losing confidence, and I'm losing my happy.

This could all be hormones, it could all be topic, but I'm losing it.

If I cannot be a good daughter how the hell am I ever going to be a decent mother?

DAAS: Misunderstood Hippies

DAAS is one of those "guilty pleasures" that I have hung on to from my Uni days.

The broadband is back and so am I

After a little under 2 months of dial up and no access to computers the Boi and I are now returned to the world of the faster internet connection.

How anyone survives on dial up is beyond me! MSN and hotmail bit more than usual, but Yahoo also failed to live up to the standards I have come to expect from them.

We've left Dodo and gone over to AAPT, following much screwing around until someone asked if the land line was a cable Optus connection. Restoring the old twisted copper line to the house here proved more trouble then expected and resulted in a minor rewiring job.

Talking of here we are slowly settling in and returning to normal. My mother has succeeded in making me feel like I am twelve again and makes many comments that explains years of therapy and undermines my confidence in myself. The Boi is finding this harder to take than I thought. The move isn't the issue, it's seeing someone he normally sees as strong and independent cowed and frightened to be her true self.

Examples: When I get up after 9am due to sleeping poorly as Bub is bouncing on my bladder all night I'm greeted with "It's up!" in a tone that drips with sarcasm and disdain. We'll get in to the whole area of calling a person an "it" another time.

I am criticised for gaining weight (about 5 kg so far) and how I eat. I happen to be five and a half months pregnant but apparently I am gaining weight because I never exercise and eat wrong. I'm also causing irreparable danger to myself and my child by not eating "normal foods." This translates as me being a lacto-ova vegetarian coeliac; akin to Satan worship in her books.

Don't get me wrong. I love my mother and understand on so many levels that this comes from her own inability to cope with change in anyway. BUT do I need to be subservient to my husband? Do I need to have his shirts ironed and meals on the table when he walks in? Should I sacrifice my health and ethics to meet her standards? (Some of which I find archaic to be polite about it.)

Worse of all might be that I don't feel able to grieve in my own fashion. Mum doesn't show emotion. She feels it is a sign of weakness. She doesn't hug or discuss how she feels beyond "I just need time" or a justification of "Just because I don't show things doesn't mean I don't feel them." I am certain I am not the only person out there with a mother like this... I can name at least 6 others ;)... but it's a combination of factors that when taken individually are silly little irrelevancies. Combine them however and I begin to understand how people divorce parents or write them off.

OH! Just in case people are wondering: Pregnancy going well. Baby moving great; if male they definitely could play for the magpies, if female then an interstate team or Geelong. ;p Cravings: Potato, jubes, custard. The photo at the top shows how I've "Popped."

Hugs and thanks to all who've sent messages of love and support.

Thank you

To everyone who's hung in there while I take a break, and especially to all those who've sent messages of support and sympathy on the passing of my Father, I would like top say a huge...

THANK YOU!

It hasn't been easy lately. I find myself crying for "no reason." I'm trying to get it out of my system as best as I can but find what I really want to do is scream at a section of family that have acted abominably through out the past three months... oh, and at my Mum for standing up for them while they continue to treat her in a way I reserve for those who harm children.

I'm scared that if I don't let this out soon the bitterness inside me will eat my baby or harm her in some way. (No, it's not a girl. We're finding out after I squeeze her out. No, it doesn't have to be a girl. I'd be happy with a boy, as long as he's healthy. I just can't use It. I could use Mum's pet name for her, Billie. Would that be better?)

Anyway, on the baby news front: Billie is stretching lots. I know this as the pain is fun. It's not movement as such more a very uncomfortable pain similar to what you get after doing sit ups after not having exercised since leaving school.

I might be off the air for a prolonged time while we finish the move; seems our ISP are pricks that cannot get their heads around the concept of moving a broadband connection to a new number without it being a 3-6 week delay... or something like this. This is the Boi's area.

Anyhow... just wanted to say Thanks.

Huge hugs

Friday the 13th: Lucky for some...

I haven't written for a while due to my father's illness and my own tiredness associated with work, worry and pregnancy. I won't be writing for a while again due to my father's funeral, pregnancy and moving.

On Friday after a short illness my father passed over with my mother, one of my brothers and his family, Peter and myself by his side. Peter was actually outside trying to reach my sister as I saw what was about to happen and wanted her contacted as soon as possible.

I've never really held with death as anything more than a transition from one state to another, and feel the body is a beautifully elaborate vessel for holding the energy known as the soul. When he had stopped breathing I fell straight in to the mode of PCA laying out the body. I checked vitals, pupils and let the RN know. I made sure his teeth were in, and lay him flat, removing extra pillows that might add to the slackness of the jaw and make the funeral parlour's presentation job that bit harder. It was second nature to me.

Not so the brother, a Jehovah's Witness, who thought I was being morbid and did not understand the actions I was taking. Due to this I could not perform one of the last things I wanted to for my father, which was to wash his body and prepare him for the journey to the parlour.

I sat and watched him as long as I could, but said brother's 4 year old daughter kept coming in and I was concerned about how this might impact upon her in later life.

Making those phone calls were the hardest thing I've ever done.

You'd think losing a parent would be among the worst thing that could happen then the family tensions begin.

Mum and I went back to her place after the Doctor signed the certificate (about three hours post mortem.) My sister returned home, as did my JW brother. Middle son had come in, seen the body, left. {I'm skipping bits... sorry... I need to get this out in the order in my head.} Brothers who could not make it that evening were coming to the house the next day. We didn't really know who at the time but the oldest boy would be coming to help with the funeral and this we knew. Mum thought it would be a simple case of OB picking her up and taking her to parlour to sort details.

The Funeral rep came to the house to finalise the prepaid stuff and sort out other details. OB, JW, youngest boy and second son were all there by chance. OB because it was arranged was the only expected one. We didn't know it would be at the house. So, not everyone knew, not everyone was there. Those that bothered to call Mum knew what was happening and made their own decisions. Some just rocked up to be with Mum. Middle son never called.

Today we sorted out burial time, place etc.

Mum called around all the family to confirm and finalise all details. This is when the shit hit the fan.

Her first call was to middle son who had not bothered to call her to see how she was, had snubbed her and other family at the ACF where Dad died, and generally been a prick through out the past 8 weeks under the guise of "...but Dad said..." {I might of ranted at some point about a brother who never visited except at Christmas? Guess who?}

MS's de facto wife answered. I was the other end of the room and I could hear the strips torn from Mum as this cow attacked her for not including MS in the discussion. A discussion, keep in mind, Mum thought was the role of OB only and did not expect (or indeed want) any of the others to be at; myself included. When Mum hung the phone up she was visibly shaken and looked ashen. I thought I would be calling an ambulance to get her some help.

Next, she called SS and left a message as he was asleep due to working nights as a baker in his own business. (SS would like to have catered the after party at the house. He's not happy about this being held at the local Bowls club. My mother has major panic attacks at the thought of family coming home and the floors being dirty so can you imagine her state with about 100 people wandering through the house? )

JW was next on list. JW declined to be a pall bearer. Mum is upset by this. JW also refuses to do reading. Mum fears that JW will not turn up.

OB followed on the call list. He was very supportive and helpful. He might even try to make appointment with priest on Monday; first one to offer though all have had this information passed on.

YB took information in much the same way, but has to work so didn't expect to make the meeting about the service.

I had already called Sis so she was up to date over the whole situation, except the MS reaction.

Mum's shattered but holding it together over the whole situation. I feel like I am on the verge of a collapse emotionally so am at home tonight for a break and some cat time.

If your interested: Announcements in the Hun and the Age.

Palliative Care

The case coordinator for my father has called my mother to set up an appointment for this Friday.

They are talking about transfering him from the Kingston Centre to Bethlehem Hospice as he has deteriorated to a point where they feel that Palliative care is the best option.

Sometimes I hate knowing what I do about ageing and aged care.

*sigh*

Cravings: Consumer Guilt and Left Leaning Biases

I'm an ethical vegetarian. I don't like the thought of any creature dying so that I can eat. I explain it as not eating things that have faces which leads to idiots offering me oysters or scallops.

Lately I have found I am craving the flesh of animals. Worse: The flesh of animals prepared by those ethical animal rights protectionists KFC!

I eat a healthy diet. I work in a physically demanding job. I take Elevit and flax seed oil and folate... all for the baby as well as to maintain my own health. I drink lots of water and eat plenty of proteins; mainly free range eggs (from my mum's neighbour who has chooks, geese and ducks), mushrooms, soy and dairy. I could happily live on fresh fruit and veggies at the moment.

Soup? Curries? Spicy foods? BRING THEM ON!

But still I'm craving KFC.

I try to avoid KFC and McDonald's for ethical reasons. I'll buy Hungry Jacks because my understanding is that they were originally a Western Australian company; they have true Vegan foods and will serve me a "baguette and bun free Veggie Burger" which means a salad with veggie patties and the sauces. Otherwise my "evil food eating" is limited to chips and gravy or chips and a pickled onion from local businesses.

Actually the Boi and I try to buy as much as possible from small companies and not mega corporations; it's our little insignificant (?) protest against the exploitation of people and primary producers. You know; the ones who grow the foods and pick them?

We shop for our coffee through a Fair Trade supplier, same with our tea and chocolate.

Our green groceries are from a little grocers in Croydon, or an organics store in Heathmont.

Most of our grains come from a wholesale provider; they have a wide variety of dries fruits, nuts, flour, pastas, legumes and the like; only no rice and I can get that at the organics store in Heathmont.

We buy "Earth" brand products to minimise our footprints and are exploring biodegradable and cloth nappies for our baby. In fact we only really go to supermarkets for Milk, Cheese and GF Bread. (OK, and junk foods like mineral water and Coke, and YES I know how hypocritical that is.)

One day we will grow our own food, have our own chooks, be as self sufficient as possible; make our own bread (once I figure out the balance so we get a nice GF loaf and not a house brick of dough) live what my family calls the "Left leaning delusional greeny" life. (My mother says I was always like this, at 6 I was running away to join a commune and be a Hippie.)

I try not to force my views on others; what you do with your body is your choice; you decide the depths of your footprint.

So; why the hell am I craving the flesh of an innocent creature that had no life to begin with grown in minuscule cages, force fed steroids then sent to an organisation that changed there name to distract from the F meaning Fried.

OK... rant over... feel a little better but still want to eat death.

Butter Mushroom for tea tonight might help. Tofu for lunch with steamed veggies.

Song lyrics and mortality: the cyclic nature of being.

My father is reaching a point in which he is starting to not recognise those around him. When we visit he holds my hand and squeezes my fingers so tight I fear they may break, but I'd rather broken fingers than the broken heart I carry inside me as I watch him die.

They're using a Blood, Sweat and Tears song on Medium tonight. You know the one:

I'm not scared of dying
And I, don't really care
If it' s peace you find in dying
Well then, let the time be near

It continues in the chorus with:

And when I die, and when I'm gone
There'll be, one child born
In this world
To carry on, to carry on 

Pretty much my view on death and dying in one song.

I'm not afraid of my own mortality, I doubt I ever have been.

I'm missing the man my father was already. He has been my anchor for so long that now, even with the support and love of the Boi I feel adrift. Little things I could always talk to my Dad about I cannot talk to him about anymore . He will never be able to assuage my fears about the pregnancy or what life will be like without him in it.

I know you only get handed as much as you can handle but I don't think I can handle anymore.

Still here after all these tears...

My father's health continues to decline.

My stress levels in dealing with family continue to increase.

The Boi and my Mother worrying over my stress levels is exacerbating the whole thing. (Dad is the important one.)

Our grain of rice is going strong and causing much nausea.


I am feeling more alone and isolated than I can explain.

I now understand why people become shut ins.

Hugs

...and as the tumble weed rolls past...

OK: so I've been a little quiet lately.

I have reasons.

Good ones.

Like Morning sickness lasts most of the day and lying down helps more than staring at a computer screen.

Or I didn't know how to describe the contrast in news lately and not sound bitter about what it means.

Lets start with some good news.

Baby's heartbeat was 140 at the ultrasound on Monday. :)

I'm going to be a grand aunt again before I am a mum... two weeks before in fact. :)

I'm getting lots of work, have caught up on two seasons of "West Wing", am eating some great curries and have figured out a way around the finances associated with "Baby means not working." :)

All good things.

My father has a brain tumour, probably won't live long enough to meet my child, is going to have to be admitted to a nursing home as we will not be able to care for him at home (even though this is his wish) and the Boi and I will be moving in to help my Mother cope with all the crap that is going on. :(

All bad things; sort of...

My Father dying is one of my biggest fears. My child/ren not knowing their grandparents ranks right alongside that.

Moving home to my parents place helps us financially and me emotionally as I can at least help, but Dad not being there is breaking my heart. I don't know how my Mum is coping. I think she's more concerned about being alone though as she likes the idea of the Boi and I moving in and has agreed to cats moving with us... well... cat. :(

I've always felt that a life goes in a family and another replaces it. My Dad is such a huge figure it's going to take three babies to replace him. Huge as in amazing and all things positive not huge as in obese.

So anyway. If people don't hear from me it's because I'm busy, moving, pregnant, grieving, numb, crying, vomiting, working, vague and slowly collapsing in to an emotional mess.

Warning people: this may result in some Vorgon quality poetry.

Meanwhile: I expect Mr Bolt to jump on the announcement from the US that Gore's electricity bill is high and he hasn't implemented what he preaches... anyone else think that this is a preemptive strike against Gore in relation to the US elections? Me thinks the Republicans are getting worried. (Moving home means more exposure to the HUN; my parents buy it while the Boi and I are Age readers. Expect some ill informed rants about the quality of journalism as a way of venting emotions that are easier to handle if ignored short term than confronted.)

Did any of that make sense?

If your interested photos related to IVF they are posted over at Crayons out of respect for those that don't want to see that type of things.

For people with my number who read this the phone is metaphorically off the hook till I can cope. Please, don't take offense. I just need a bit more time. It's only been a fortnight and all the news keeps getting progressively worse. I'm also making lots of immediate family calls so the phone is becoming the enemy.

Stats and craves.

OK! for all you statistic junkies out there: a quick fix!

Progesterone is at 167; HcG or "the pregnancy hormone" is at 4380.

As the nurse said "You are most definitely pregnant."

My concern at the moment is that I seem to already be having cravings, I just want to live on spicy foods (which cannot help prevent the morning sickness).

If it was dairy I'd think I was low in calcium; chocolate and sugary foods mean that your iron levels are out; but spicy foods?

One site I read suggested that the foods are what the child craves and have nothing to do with nutritional deficiencies. So bubs wants me to live on chillies, Thai, Indian and Mexican? Thats cool. I've even purchased a hot chilli sauce for dipping things in: no longer plain old tomato sauce on chips for this pink duck!

If I was craving meat I'd sought of get it... I'm vegetarian so i'd think it was protein and just up my tofu and mushroom content.

My concern is what it means. Will this subside or will the Boi have to get used to curry and spice every night? When do the really funky craves kick in? (You know the ones... gherkins and icecream; potting mix {iron levels apparently explain this one too}. )

My mother still cannot have milk in her tea, a hangover from morning sickness that has lasted over 32 years! She laughs at the concept of cravings but assured me last time (miscarriage at 8 weeks) that the baby will definitely tell you what it doesn't want. She also told the Boi to make sure I got a cup of tea in bed each morning before I got up to help with the nausea. I stll cannot work out if that was just her excuse for a cuppa or if it's good advice. She had 7 kids so I'm not arguing too much with her advice.... yet.

I do like having cravings; I never had them of morning sickness to this extent during the last one so i take them as good signs. I just wish I was less hungry. I know my body is using more energy and I am going down weight wise (could be work contributing to this too) but I am constantly looking for a snack.

So what do people think? Does it mean something? Nothing? Any weird craves? Any craves at all?

Oh... and what is the deal with sushi? Is it the fish or the seaweed you're suppsoed to avoid? *Sigh, I miss my Japanese food.*

just a quick note

Thank you to all those who've given me support and congratulations over the past week.

We have another blood test tommorow so I'll try to get the numbers for the "statistics junkies" out there.

I'm busy with work, morning sickness and just general living.

When I have some energy I'll post for real.

Hugs to everyone.

Results

BFP

I can hear him snoring from here; the other end of the house

The Boi is asleep, he should be. He's worked hard all day while I've just tried to distract myself at home.

I cannot sleep. I don't think its the lack of doing anything today: I caught up on dishes, clothes, bathroom, vacuuming, surface wipe downs and reorganised the crap in the lounge and kitchen; designed two basic invite/ card options and finished 60 thank you cards; and caught up on all my correspondence; and did some cooking. So I think it could be safely said I did stuff today.

I only have two rooms to sort through and organise and the house is perfect.

I cannot sleep because the outcome of tommorow haunts me.

If it's positive will it last? Can we afford a baby? How good at parenting will we be? What if it's the dreaded BFN monster? What are all the drugs doing to my body?

And there you have it; what's keeping me awake.

If I'm not pregnant maybe every little smell won't make me dry wretch, maybe the slightest noise won't drive me nuts, and all those lovely little habits of his can go back to being mildly annoying not the lead reason in my defence for murder.

But if I'm not everything else gets shed with the light of perspective. (I know most of this rant may well be nerves and hormones but it doesn't excuse that I feel like I am being Queen B at the moment for what, in big picture terms, is BS.)

OH FUCK! I hope I am pregnant. I know I'll be a good mum. The Boi will rock as a dad. I HAVE HOPE!!!!!

Godess Luna, as you watch over us in your beauty, help me to cope with this change in tide. Help me to embrace that which the Universe feels I can handle, and to accept that whatever the outcome is, it's not a punishment. As you embrace me through the window know I love you. Please help this life to grow. Please help this heart to heal.

8 hours to the blood test.

And a quote from Rimmer that about covers it:

"Listy, Listy, is that a small sewage plant you're carrying in your trousers or do I detect you're a tad nervous?"

Gods! I love Red Dwarf.

Out! Out! Damn Spot!

This post goes in to way to much detail: If squirmish don't read.

I've been spotting. This could mean nothing and it could mean that by Wednesday the blood test will be a futile search for nothingness while I lose even more blood.

It's not really spotting though: so I'm putting it out to all those on crinone: did you spot? Did you have a dark red discharge? (Like a dark red thrush in apperance.)

The first time we used crinone it impacted upon my gall bladder and my cycle came early.

The next time they implanted we used the pessaries. (Gosh! Aren't they fun! Any woman who has ever comlpained about sperm dribbling down her thigh should try the pesaries for a week. They melt in your hand, require you to lie down for 10 minutes post use, and leave a waxy/ oily residue on your clothing. ) Which went well as we held on until week 6.

Dr Downing suggested we use the crinone again this time. No gall bladder pain! We do however have this discharge.

So: if anyone has experienced this can they settle my nerves, and tell me what they know.

I've searched but gotten no real information, and Epworth IVF is shut till tommorow when I am working.

Thanks.

Only 5 more sleeps till the blood test...

... and as the time grows closer my nerves string them selves ever thinner.

Little things make me jump; like the Boi commenting on discharge when helping with the crinone gel. Or a fleck of dark lint on the gusset of white undies.

I accept that all 2ww people go through variations on this theme.

It's either every little thing is a sign it's going ahead or that it's not going to ever happen.

Paranoia's increase. The warmer the temperature the more panicked I become about the heat regulation thingy. If I'm cleaning in a warm moist environment then I am convinced I am dooming the cycle before it has a chance.

Skipping a meal: eating later than usual: forgetting the elevit: are all death sentences that I am inflicting upon this little life that may or may not be inside of me. (It doesn't help that Coca Cola is helping me better than most things as a tummy tonic, all that caffeine, all those conflicting reports about it's impact on foetuses.)

The Boi is pretty good in coping with my swings but he can't always be there; and that's when the little voices of doubt are the loudest.

That's when I feel myself reaching for the Kettle Chilli Chips and pigging out.

So; only 5 more sleeps. Thank goodness I'm working the next three days and have distractions organised for Tuesday. Wednesday I am buying a new online game as a consolation/celebration gift for myself.

On a lighter note: the Boi has posted a very funny (imho) post about how he's coping. It's not all laughs some of it's d&m stuff. But the final line had me in tears I was laughing so hard.

Females with male partners who are infertile might enjoy this perspective, especially the last line.

Thanks for all the continuing support.

Things that others could do...

We are keeping this cycle low profile. I'm using Crayons as a way to get out what I'd normally be blabbing to anyone in ear shot. One reason for this is the awkwardness that occurs when others have done something they feel is "thoughtful and a help" when things are going badly or through what I'd like to think of as them "Just not thinking".

Things others could not do:

Buy baby clothes as a surprise for a couple in their first trimester. This goes for the following also:

* How to books

* Cute toys designed for babies.

* Kids music and movies designed solely for kids; so Hi 5, BoohBah, The Wiggles (no matter how cute Captain Feathersword is.) or the like.

* Nursery supplies, inc. furniture.

* Basically anything that is designed for "Post baby life".

* If you're not genuinely happy about the baby or the journey to get to baby status. Be honest but be nice. Say "I know it's what you want but i don't want a blow by blow description of the ObGyn." or " I'm not a big fan of kids. I wish you luck but I may not be around as much as I am now."
OK, yes, you'll get called names but people will know where you stand. It doesn't mean you are being any less supportive, just that you're priorities are different to the expecting couple. (And if you've had tmi in the face of a polite request hire Alien, watch it with them and keep repeating "I hear that's really what child birth is like."
Don't comment on how you think the couple will do as parents. Don't snap at every bit of new baby news the couple share with you, especially if it's an announcement while the couple, or single, are struggling through with the failure of a step in the process.)

* Don't offer every piece of advice you've encountered during the process either you, family or a friend went through. I don't want to be paranoid about every little bite I take. I don't want to be lectured on how if I "relax it will happen without IVF." (Yep, gonna happen, if I relax the Boi's nuts will work right. *shrug*)

* Don't give pictures of your kids as presents to IF couples. This is just rubbing it in. (OK, so that's not really fair, but hey! If I cry at the puppies in the toilet paper ad...)

If you do this it means:

* You value my uterus more than you value me.

* You can bear the full brunt of resentment when things go badly, eg. Miscarriage in first trimester.

* You have no right to feel hurt if the reaction to these gifts is a resounding "I am not taking these!!!" followed by unending tears. (Especially if the pregnant person has been spotting for four weeks, is more stressed out than a monkey on crack and is so tired that sleep is a distant memory. You don't know what is driving the reaction, it is most probably not about you. No. Honestly. Not everything is. You only get a small glimpse of what is going on. Sometimes the best laid plans are salt in a paper cut, sometimes they are a machete to the heart. )

You could instead:

* Buy books that the pregnant person would love to read, books that they wouldn't get themselves that you think they might like, books by their favourite author. (Not Kaz Cooke's Up The Duff. If people want guides let them buy them themselves.)

* Help them out around the house; especially if both are working. This is not an open invite to reorganise the house and throw out all those things you never liked. It's you offering nicely to vacuum and wash floors, or mow lawns.

* Pamper days: massages, day spas, waxing vouchers, manicures, pedicures. Things that focus on the expectant mum relaxing and feeling like they are more than a Pod for the Triffid to escape from.

* Cook their fave foods; Take them shopping so they don't need to carry heavy bags; give vouchers for dinner for two or take out on nights they are working late.

* Ask them what they would like.

Everyone reacts differently to a situation. Some optimists with strong recovery powers may appreciate baby grow suits during the 2ww. I personally would be using them as handkerchiefs and burning them if things went wrong.

Mainly; be supportive with out putting on pressure (which you may not realise you are doing, so tread gentle. Good rule of thumb, don't sign off messages as "Grandma" or "Pop" or address them to "Mum" or "Dad" until you've held the baby for the first time.)

OH! and definitely offer to pay for the over priced to die for maternity top that has your D/IL in tears in the shop. Good move and you'll win automatic "You can be in the room if you like for the birth" status. ;p (Just kidding!)

But I would like:

IVF Blog titles...

Before deciding to publish and be damned here our journey through the latest rounds of IVF I gave some thought to beginning another journal, purely for the purposes of documenting the IVF journey and not having reminders everyday if things went bad.

I considered the possible names I could use...

Black Fingernails, Red Cells

My Life As A Battery Hen

Ziggy Stardust and The Spiders From Ma

INCONCEIVABLE! (I don't think that means what you think it means.) [With pictures and quotes throughout from Princess Bride.]

Crossing Fingers Uncrossing Legs [The advice my mother gave us when we told her of the problems we we're having.]

Infertile Soil

Some of my faves had been taken...

Pin Cushion Diaries

Journey To The Center Of The Egg

Womb With A View


In the end I decided that Cordial was always supposed to be about where I am now and things that grab my interests. Crayons is ffor meme's and creative rants and expression; soon as I figure out how to capture the pictures I've painted in the best light that will also have my creative expression of IVF and frustrations.

Both should be able to contain all the hopes, fears and dreams tha one heart struggles to encapsulate.

Really? I'd only start another blog for this if the Boi was co-writing so taht people got a balanced perspective of the process. I might ask him to post a full explanation of why we need IVF; seeing as it's his nuts that are broken.

In the meantime I'm happy with my decision.

Now I really should go do some housework.

Signs and symptoms: or, I have a day off and no energy to move.

Out of desperation to better understand what is going on in my body I thought I'd look up morning sickness. I mean if it is psycho somatic than I should only have nausea and breast tenderness, if it's real I might have a few more things... so I entered Morning Sickness in google.

First result: http://www.morningsicknesshelp.com/

First tab of interest in this: Pregnancy Smptoms.

Lets see which ones I have so I can obsess even more. (This sentence is followed by either a maniacal laugh or a journey through the round window.)

• Missed period or a period with less bleeding than normal
  
• Yes, but that could be all th hormones that are floating around inmy system that mean I am late... by about three days... so I'm not going to take this one to heart.
  
  
• Backaches
• YES, really severe to point of having trouble with movement. Seeing as I am not clear how I hurt my back yesterday, twisted to pick up something behind me but in the past this has been alleviated after a hot shower and some rest. Not this time. So, I'm claiming this one.
  
  
• Constipation
  This symptom is caused by hormone changes, and the growing uterus pressing against the bowel.
• I brought a bottle of prune juice, does that count as tmi?
  
  
• Darkening of areola (breast nipple)
  This can be one of the first symptoms which can appear as early as one week after conception and then throughout pregnancy.
• Nope
  
  
• Excessive salivation
• Yes, but then the salivary glands trigger is very close to the place in the brain for nausea. So I don't know.
  
  
• Exhaustion or feeling sleepy
  Can occur one to six weeks after conception and last your entire pregnancy.
• Yes.
  
  
• Food cravings
• Yes
  
  
• Frequent urination
  You may see this symptom six to eight weeks after conception and it will be with you for your entire pregnancy. This is caused by hormone changes and growing pressure on the bladder.
• Yes
  
  
• Headaches
• Yes, but I can explain this away.
  
  
• Increased sense of smell
• Yes, but I thought that was because i am no longer stuffing syneral up my nose.
  
  
• Lower abdominal cramps
• Check
  
  
• Nausea and vomiting
  This symptom usually shows up two to ten weeks after conception. The degree in which you feel sick varies from none to full fledged vomiting. The terminology for this nausea is "morning sickness" by can happen at any time of the day. Hormone changes in your body cause this symptom.
  
• Check
  
  
• Tender or swollen breasts
  This symptom is one that can appear rather quickly after fertilization - one to two weeks after conception and will most likely be with you your entire pregnancy.
• Check

Ok, so by this list I am pregnant. Somehow I think there may be more to these very general symptoms and they could all be explained away if I really wanted to.

Did you know women who experience morning sickness have less chance of a miscarriage?

The remedies tab at this site is good, except that my craves are for spicy foods and it advises avoidance as they can exacerbate the nausea.

Most of the other sites in the top ten say to seperate liquids and solids, maintain your B6 and drink ginger tea. All good advice. They all recommend dry plain crackers and cereals too.

For more information try:

http://health.ninemsn.com.au/article.aspx?id=96176

http://www.babycenter.com/pregnancy/morningsickness/index

http://www.betterhealth.vic.gov.au/bhcv2/bhcarticles.nsf/pages/Morning_sickness?OpenDocument=

OK, I'm going to try and get a few things done before I have my volunteer work this afternoon.

Hugs out to Deanna.

Stirrup Queen rides high in the saddle!

I think everyone should read this post.

You can apply it to all areas of your life.

If more people thought like this the world would be a better place.

OK; Gushing over.

Fear

This is the worst time. I am so scared that living normally (which is what they tell you to do) will result in the blastocyte not implanting and us having to start all over again yet if I don't continue as *normal* as I can then I'll go insane with worry.

The 2ww sucks: that's two week wait not second world war for those who aren't up on their IVF jargon (and who isn't these days?)

Am I throwing up because of morning sickness? Which is the biggest BS in the history of name calling: if it lasted until midday that would be OK but it persists for me until about 6 in the evening.

Is this merely a side effect that takes about twelve hours to strike, hangs around for 12 hours then vanishes again?

I find myself already seeking out spots because it's easier to have no hope this time then have expectations met rather than to have hope and my heart torn out again.

I want a baby so badly. I see examples of things others would be all"eew, gross" over in children and envy that not being a part of my life.


Sorry, I'm crying again. Fuck! I use this blog to get things out to stop them poisoning me then this shit comes up all over again.

The Boi wants me to be angry at him; seriously, how can I? I love him, even if his balls don't work. Before this I always thought it was me... I mean I'd had a few late cycles which doctors told me were miscarriages (apparently a cycle over a month late is thought to be one. Shrug.) but never an actual pregnancy scare... and trust me if anyone was going to I would.

I'm allergic to condoms and birth control makes me psychotic and paranoid. They have to do a boost cycle with us because stuffing my hormones up the other way sends me over the edge.


All I can think of with this is "all that money we wasted on birth control and pessaries to fight the side effects." I used to pray not to get pregnant (Lil' ol' Pagan me praying to "One God"... think more a general universal plea to who ever was listening while passing through the deo-sphere.)now I would return to church if I thought it would work. Mind you I can no longer be Catholic even if I want to because the way they do IVF makes the blastocytes a life in the eyes of the church and freezing them means I'm murdering those that don't defrost. (Or as one kindly Priest put it; you create life to kill it in the hope that one of the lives you created survives. Wanna know why I no longer go to church? Rant for another time I think. For the record: Not Anti any religious group, just issues with some of the cheer squads.)

The other thing is I hurt my back today to the poin that it hurts to sit for long periods or walk or climb stairs or lift anything. Some of these impact on my ability to work. Anyone elese think the universe is telling me to slow down?

Anyway... at the moment I am scared. I want this to work, I hope this works; but I am so scared that if I have hope than that will be to much and it won't work.

Then what do I do?

Huge hugs to all those other 2ww out there. I hope your all in a better place than this little pink cat is at the moment. (and I hope it contains lots'lots of chocky or foods you like to eat.)

OH! Miss Politics; I'm eating a lot of plain rice crackers and drinking copious ammounts of plain mineral water. I'm keeping an eye out for gluten free crackers as you suggested. Thanks.

Deanna: Good luck, Gorgeous.

Some People Rock

I sent a request to what I thought was an American based blog list for couples going through IVF. I've linked to it before: cyclesista. I thought I'd get a nice "Good luck, you're linked" response. You get those when you join wordless Wednesday, Tuesday twosome and the Saturday scavenger hunt.

Instead I got a lovely letter and a whole heap of information from someone who lives "down the road" from where the Boi and I are.

Every now and then someone does something that breaks through the cynical hormonal self that I can be and makes me realise how fortunate I am on so many levels.

Add to this the kindness shown by employer when, nauseous and dizzy about to fall asleep where I stood, I was let go home early even with the bucket loads of work still to do.

I walked in at home to collapse on the bed, mutter something about mineral water and plain rice crackers, then fall asleep for 2 hours.

I don't want to be too hopeful but I cannot remember being this nauseated or tired the last two times. I don't have as severe a crinone reaction; but will whinge about headaches and gall bladder pain of a lesser degree at another point when I have forgotten this.

On a sadder note: I missed a call from a great friend, when I called her back she told me that an old Melbourne Goth had passed over from a brain anuerysm. She was a friend in a social sense, so we weren't that close. I might write a tribute for her over at LJ for those who would like a few memories of what a great person whe was. I just want to put a huge hug out there for all those missing her and mourning her. She was a good person and the world needs more of those. For me I will remember her as the first person who challenged my boundaries in BDSM and perceptions of people. I'm not going to insult her by trying to remember how to spell her name (I'm notoriously bad at spelling names) so simply;

Vale, A. Too short lived, for long loved.
Thoughts to family and friends
Angels to watch over all
Rest in Peace, A.

I'm going to go rest now. I have an early start in the morning then two days off (before 5 days straight.) I might coffee and chocky first. I feel like I'm avoiding many of my other favourite things: soft cheeses, long hot baths, sushi: so I figure I get some treats.

I'm happy to receive recipes and advice on foods; please remember I am coeliac and lacto ova vegetarian.

The blastocytes they didn't put in didn't survive, so no bub-sicles for back up.

I need lots of prayers and hope at the moment but am finding it so hard to find.

I'm thinking in honour of A that I'll call the one in my tummy Titania or Frank.

Blast [-o-cyt-]ing in to motherhood

I have a blastocyte in my tummy, implanted yesterday.

It's at day 5 growth.

If all goes well at the blood test in a fortnight I am pregnant.

If not: they suggest you look at it like a delayed period and not a miscarriage, but this doesn't help. This is where Ziggy Stardust went byebye.

If all goes well the next hurdle is the first scan.

We lost "The spiders from Mars" at this one.

I called them by names so i didn't feel a drip talking to my tummy.

Ziggy Stardust came from a joke about having an alien inside; loving the alien; the alien being a Zygote... so in a long round about way the "Loving the alien" Bowie reference ended up ZS&TSFM. So when we had three blastocytes from last time the first one was Ziggy.

The backing group became the Spiders.

I'm looking for a cute name for this lots. We have three awaiting freezing; we find out how that goes tommorow.

I like the idea of a "Pun that flows". Mum called me Methusalah as she felt she was the oldest mum ever at 42.

My niece's little boy called his brother a jelly bean when he saw the ultrasound photo so she had a Jelly-bean in her jelly belly. I swear I still cannot eat Jelly beans around Josh for fear of questions.

The Boi andI have decided not to tell people too soon this time. my fear comes in having his niece aged almost 6 and Josh, 5, know what's going on and ask uncomfortable questions if things don't work.

Boi get's this.

Also it means less crap about MIL who "know" and buy innappropriate presents. (If she ever reads this, HORMONES, I SWEAR!) MIL rocks but can be a little difficult to cope with as she is such an optimist. When I reach 3 months I'll be doing the "I've got some ideas on maternity clothes... can you help?" so I can dress comfortable without losing me.

We've decided not to do (read, The Boi's told me he doesn't like it) the releasing options on names too early. I still favour the idea of calling them/ it/ him/ her after a family member who's passed over or has a big impact on us. I'm thinking his side for boy my side for girl. Is this TMI? I guess I'll find out.

Stuill, all in all we got the coolest little picture of our blastocyte yesterday. The crinone has not yet decided my gall bladder is it's new worst enemy, and the nausea this time is almost bearable.

All positives.

The lighter side of fertility and kids... and an update.

And while we are on it: the next step is Crinone gel. This made me feel like I was passing gallstones last time so I am so very happy to be on it again. On the up side; my boobs have gone up a cup size during the process and the migraines have stopped. On the down side I still feel like I've been cut open around my abdomen and I have no libido.

I call between one and two to get the time for tomorrow.

Something I started a little while back.

I might finish this one day. Anyone ou there got some favourite quotes about our beautiful country from an outsiders perspective?

"Austria! Well, then. G'day mate! Let's put another shrimp on the barbie!"
-Lloyd, Dumb and Dumber

"Don't worry about the world coming to an end today. It is already tomorrow in Australia."

-Charles Schultz

"Where the hell is Australia anyway?"
- Britney Spears

I like it [Australia] a lot, I think it's a terrific country; they really know how to live. The natural history of the place is endlessly fascinating.
by Bill Bryson

One of the strongest prejudices that one has to overcome when one visits Australia is that created by the weird jargon than passes for English in this country.
Valerie Desmond

Someone give me a box of tissues

OK... I've raved at everyone to go read Miss Politics blog. Seriously. All four rock. Her one on the Fae is beautiful, her wiccan blog is informative and her recipes are yummy! (More please.)

Then there is her main blog. I don't always agree with her, we are human after all and if I agreed 100% with her she could accuse me of stalking and ask me to stay at least 50m away from her blog at all times. ;p

Then she does this.

How could I not love this womyn?

Thankyou.

Ten reasons I am proud to be Australian.

1) Freedom of speech. You wouldn't be able to say this in many other countries without fear of great retribution. The worst Miss Politics can expect is some personal abuse and a lively debate over the issues she raises. Then again, I wouldn't be able to say many of the things I've said here. (Think about China and Google.)

2) We have a boeard of selectors who have a sense of humour when it comes to Australian of the year and give it to a guy who is raising awareness about climate change to be presented by Mr Head in the sand himself, Howard.

3) We can laugh at ourselves. I awoke this morning to an announcer playing "The National Anthem" as proposed by Monty Python; very simply "Australia, Australia, Australia, we love you." How cool is that?

4) As a female I can determine my own fertlity, I am not subjected to a dress code designed to prevent heat exhaustion and wind burn 2000 years ago (thinking burkhas), I have a right to education, to not be beaten, married off to a stranfer, killed or raped as a "cultural norm". The list is endless. I also live in a country with enough food and clean water for me to decide to follow my heart on an ethical issue and not be forced to eat meat because it's the only thing available.

5) Our love of the under dog and tendency to cut down "Tall Poppies". Come on? Who out there doesn't have a soft spot for the "Little Aussie Battler" while loving to see people like Ray Martin put in their box?

6) We have gun restrictions. We have this as we try to fix our problems in a sensible way, not deny they exist purely because a right wing organisation has a bigger lobby group than the families of those left behind in the many massacres.

7) Our music: I love Oz Rock, and even have on video many of the Australian Music Festivals when they were broadcast. I am proud to say the I own more Australian music than stuff from overseas. I also love our films, our artists and our authors (despite me collection of mainly English writers.)

8) I love how the country changes constantly, and every side she shows has in it beauty. Sure; Bushfires are bad, but the changes in the scenery though frightening are also hauntingly beautiful. I would love to remove the death of these fires, and the loss to personal property, but the regrowth after shows how much bigger the country is thatn a few people.

9) Our wildlife. Lets face it, it's pretty unique. Platypuses; a sure sign god was on drugs when she designed a few of the animals. More importantly a sure sign that the creators of the dream time left some of the dreams behind them.

Wombats must be my favourite, followed a very close second by fairy (or whatever the fuck we are calling them now) penguins.

10) Our use of language.

Strewth, Mate, you know I'm not coming the raw prawn. You'd have to be some kind of drongo not to see the colourful spin we put on words. Faaark! It's got more texture than a Pollock on the pavement after a dead horse and fly. Those Seppoes mightn't get it,. but hey, no worries... eh, Cobba?

Sadly it's also on the way out...

But mostly I guess I just love how no matter how bad it gets we have a strange sense of optimism;

"Me wife just got pulled in to the combine harvester... still... could be worse. At least I'll save on blood and bone this year."

Unless it effects the sport:

"Bloody drought, can't water the pitch for the cricket. They're sayin' it might impact on the Footy (AFL not Soccer, ARL or Union.) And the Greens for the bowls are lookin' pretty yellow. Still, it's not stoppin' the tennis."


So: Having gotten all of that out of my system.

I'd like to wish everyone a happy Australia Day.

I'd also like to apologise to the Indigenous people of this land for all the hurt and crap we have put them through. Thank you for sharing your beautiful culture and country with us. We are blessed.

Just For Fun

I followed a link at Anonymous Lefty out of curiosity... seems I'm pretty spot on in what I think I am...

Greens	Australian Democrats	Labor Party	Family First	Liberal Party	National Party	One Nation
90.6%	80.8%	74.5%	43.8%	33.5%	27.9%	19.7%

Political outlook

Your broad political orientation score is -65.3%, which equates to a ‘Left’ position

Economic policy

Your economic policy score score is -50%. This equates to a ‘Left’ position

Social policy

Your social policy score is -69.5%. This equates to a ‘Left’ position

Traditional values

Your traditional values score is -75.6%. This equates to a ‘Far Left’ position

Yep, thought so.

I must say I thought I would rank higher on the Democrat scale than the Green, but I am happy with the outcome. It reflects a good general overview of where I am politically. Some of the questions were a bit confusing in their wording, but over all a quiz that was well worded and thought out.

IVF: Ohhhh *slaps wrist to forehead*, The Pain!

Seeing as I can barely move from the sharp shooting pains in my abdomen following two days of work and the harvest on Monday I'm killing time by doing memes that I was lagging on and posting crap on this site.

I start the gel tonight and we transfer on Saturday; I need to call and find out the time in the one hour window they open on Australia Day.

My employer continues to be so lovely about all of this that I want to cry. I told her I needed Saturday and she gave me the weekend and an open Monday. If I go back on Monday she wants me doing the fiddly things and not pushing myself to hard to fast. How lucky am I?

Surfing around I found a few blogs had commented on the AD's antiracism stance by calling them unAustralian. Quotes out of context (but hey, you gotta expect that from people who feed of the teat of the Murdoch Media). Once again peoples: they support the flag not the abuse of it by racist yobbos who want to use it as a symbol of hate. Think the KKK in the US using the Stars and Stripes as a motive on their uniforms. Do you think that even the most open minded Senator would support this as "freedom of speech" or lament the degradation of the flag by using it as a symbol of hatred.

I don't know what images stuck with others of the Cronulla riots but in my mind I see the violence perpetrated by thsoe wearing the flag.

As Senator Bartlett said, and I paraphrase here, it's unAustralian to use the flag in such a way.

Having said that the blogs who've ran with this story have a higher readership than they deserve and about as much credibility in what they are saying as Howard has time for multiculturalism. (I'm primarily thinking Mr "Innaugral Blog Award".)

A much bigger travesty is seeing Amanda Vanstone kicked out of the cabinet by Howard. I became a fan of sorts during her appearances on Good News Week. She also gets kudos for her "It's better to be big in the backside than to have bulldust for brains." comment. I didn't like her politics at times; but then she had an unenviable job to do.

In other news Herr Bolt is back; see the Boi's blog and Bolt Watch for a good summary of why this stinks. I'm not linking directly to Bolt, he gets enough coverage at the HereallDumb.

Ok, that's me ranted out.

IVF: quick update

We went for the harvest yesterday; 5 harvested.

They called today to tell us that 4 have divided, so transfer is Saturday.

Prayers, fingers crossed, whatever you think might help people.

Thanks for all those who've shown support.

More details when I have time.

It's not just the Greens...

Sometimes, the media make a mistake. It happens, little details are misrepresented to push an agenda that to the average person seems hidden or non existent.

Like discrediting a political party who disagrees with the cross media ownership laws.

How do you do this? You put a headline in your banner saying "Australian Democrats back ban on flag at Big Day Out" then don't follow it up at all.

For the truth go here.

As Senator Bartlett says:

Democrats' Deputy Leader, Senator Andrew Bartlett says calls by government MPs to cancel the Big Day Out music festival shows how thin their commitment is to free speech and so-called Australian values.

"The approach of the Big Day Out organisers might not be the best way to go, but they should be congratulated for trying to stand up against racism and the misuse of the Australian flag," Senator Bartlett said.

"Andrew Robb has preached long and loud about everyone needing to have 'Australian values', yet when a major festival seeks to prevent misuse of the Australian flag, he calls for their event to be banned!"

"Anyone who thinks that racists don't use our flag as a way to try to justify their putrid creed still has their head buried in the sands of Cronulla beach."

"Being proud of your country shouldn't mean being blind to its flaws, and being proud of your flag is all the more reason to refuse to let it be used by bigots and racists."

"Giving an uncritical approval to anything as long as it has the Australian flag wrapped around it is a sure fire way to encourage misuse of the flag," Senator Bartlett concluded.

Seek the truth from more sources then Today or that thingy on 7 in the morning.

Day Ten

After yesterdays rant on the bad advice out there I though I'd try a more positive spin on the things they tell you to do.

Fertility plus IVF Hints is exactly what it says it is. It's a site dedicated to helping those who are trying to conceive.

Some of the advice in at this site is stuff I wish someone had told me last time.

This gem may explain why I am so tired at the moment; and nope, I don't think it's iron, folate or protein as I am taking lots of good iron and folate supplements and keeping protein levels well up.

Rest is very important, even before transfer. All those developing eggs are taking up a lot of space and energy.

I'd have liked this information for all the times I bashed myself up over wanting to sleep all day, or sitting down for five minutes and waking up two hours later.

I love this one: The main IVF hint is to pamper yourself! An IVF cycle is a very stressful thing and anything that helps you through it without harming a potential baby is okay! Which gives me an excuse to have long baths and go shopping.

They then drop this one: Small amounts of alcohol will probably not adversely affect you or your eggs, but caffeine has been shown to affect fertility, even in small amounts, so try to avoid it. So I can drink a little but need to give up coffee and coke. So much for pampering myself. I wonder if I just cut back and drink good quality coffee only if that will do? I already have caffeine free tea so it's really only my coffee intake I need to consider.

It can be very comforting to find someone, either in cyberspace or in person, that is in a similar situation (factor, cycle) that you can share stories and progress with. I'm using this blog and reading others to normalise the entire process. I never really had that last time. I talked alot to the Boi, and random strangers, but not to anyone who'd experienced the smae type of IVF as we were going to need. Those I had talked to went through a different process; not icsi, no harvests.

While I'm at it; if you want to understand IVF from an easy to read and very informative professional site; try Repromed. It's Australian, easy to navigate, and brilliantly easy to read.

OK, now where were we? Oh, yeah... The extra fluid your developing follicles are taking up and being NPO before retrieval can sometimes cause constipation. Increasing your consumption of fiber and fluids as you approach egg retrieval may help alleviate this. So drinking litres of water due to the heat and wanting to eat lots of fruit is a very good thing.

I'm not going to recreate the site here for everyone; go to the link. I love how it divides the advice up; isn't preachy; is easy to read without using lots of jargon; doesn't hype chances but offers a realistic perspective; doesn't suggest things that give false hope (like eating pomegranates so the body learns to love the seeds and make it easier to concieve; seriously; I was told this by more than one person.) The site is by patients for patients.

I'm the first one to admit my reviews aren't the best, but I hope others can get some help from this one and use the site.

On a home front: Got some housework done today so feel better on that level. I am hoping it either poors or stops drizzling so I know what to do with the basket of wet washing. I purchased a cute top today marked down from $50 to $20 which I ended up paying $10 for. The weather isn't as hot (bonus) but is muggy. Headaches are not too bad today but bad taste in mouth from Synarel not disappearing.

We are heading out for dinner tonight so that should be fun; as long s the Boi's niece doesn't want to play "Mummy's, you be the mummy." That kills me. And it's so innocent I can't growl about it. She also asks when we are having kids. Anyone else gets the serve, but if your under 6 I figure it's innocence or programming and not your fault.

Anyway; might go to Eastland and do some more browsing; get some chunky jewellery.

Out of curiosity is it rude to give a person a 40th birthday card for their 39th with "almost" inserted everywhere? I think it's funny, but you never know with hormones.

Final word to La Cosby: “Through humor, you can soften some of the worst blows that life delivers. And once you find laughter, no matter how painful your situation might be, you can survive it.” Bill Cosby quotes

Bad advice for those with a family member who is infertile; part one.

OK; I have to say in my search for information and support through out the process this time I have encountered some strange sites. I'm calling this Part One as I am sure I will come across some more... or even better have others give me unsolicited advice.


Let's start with a Christian Support Group.

As a Catholic what we are doing is a mortal sin (due to the loss of embryos, it's equated with abortion, why do you think Tony Abbot doesn't like it?). This is one of the many reasons I am no longer Catholic. So when I stumbled across a site dedicated to supporting infertile Christians I was intrigued.

It begins:

Infertility and Friendship

I know you, as a friend of a couple waiting for that most special Gift
from God, never mean to be insensitive. Sometimes though it may be hard
for you to understand the anguish they are feeling when......Your sweet two year old, all in the five minutes you left him, methodically put all the trash you thought you had up out of his reach, in the middle of the living room, tore off his diaper and smeared all the good stuff in it on your kitchen floor and then threw up all over your clean carpet. Of course this also happens to be the time your Mother-in Law (who is a fanatic about housecleaning) is due to stop in any minute! Or when your precious little girl tells, well... everyone, that she has a boo boo on her wee wee and "do you want to see it?" Yes, but for all this, that child is still precious, and to the Couple In Waiting, those life scenes can seem out of reach and oh so heart wrenching.
OK, lets consider this: Most special gift from God; hm mm, what does this involve? Those born with horrific retardation? If you don't like it can you return it?

The examples they give of why you might find it hard to understand how anyone would find not having a child hard are about as well thought out an argument as, say, firing off a rant at another blog for being arseholes because they attacked your opinion when you had attacked theirs.

If someone told me about a child that smeared shit all over the floor and emptied out bins I'd offer them a pack of condoms and a strong drink. I wouldn't get all teary about not having a child. In fact, i think I'd pop the champers and celebrate not having a "Gift from God" that is the Devil's spawn.

And seriously, if your mother-in-law is such a cow that she cannot understand the temperament of a two year old and his creative expression of self then you've got bigger problems than a shitty floor.

Know what I'd do? Clean the kid up, dump him on Grandma and ask her to take him for a walk so I could clean up his mess. Or even better; call Grandma, explain the situation, ask her if she could be a dear and grab something for morning tea and get the brat to help before going to bed.

And as for the "boo boo on my wee wee" example? I'd be more worried how she got it in the first place to give a flying fuck who she offered to show.

So what do they tell those supporting this couple deprived of a gift from God?

Please Don't Say: "This must be the will of God for your life."-
That may be, but if you lost a loved one to death, would
you really want someone to say that to you in your grief?

Please Do Say: "Can I pray with you about this"?

Please Don't Say: "You can always adopt a child"- True, and adoption
is a blessing for a lot of people, but for many women they still feel the
need to bear a child. Consider Proverbs 30:15-16,..."There are three
things that are never satisfied, four that never say, 'enough'!: the grave,
the barren womb, land, which is never satisfied with water, and fire,
which never says, 'Enough!'

Please Do Say: "I will pray for you fervently and ask the Lord to bless
you and give you the desire of your heart".

If someone asks if they can pray with me about this they better hope I'm in Happy Hormone Land at the time. Yep, you can pray for me. Just don't shove your beliefs down my throat at this time.

You can laugh at my Wicca practices as "cute little coping methods", I'll do the same to your need to pray to an imaginary invisible man who, if I believed in him as the Bible describes, would have ordained this as part of his great plan.

Oh, btw, "imaginary invisible man" is a George Carlin quote.

As for the adoption thing? Don't get me started on the impossible nature of adopting locally in Australia and all the hassles of international adoption. Or the cow (yes, I want to use the "other" C word but am restraining myself) who called up a discussion on 774 ABC AM to tell people IVF is the ultimate act of selfishness when so many children need a home.

I would like to eventually foster children though, but then you have the heart ache of giving them back.

I'm going to leave you with a Maya Angelou quote: "I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.”

Day nine: The scan results.

To summarise today's events:

Blood tests show my hormone levels are in the right range.

Ultra Sound (Internal, how nice, it's like sex with a robot without the orgasm or the dignity.) showed lots of follicles all ready for harvesting.

So; two more days of injections of puregon. Two and a half days more of Synarel. Injection Saturday night to release eggs. Harvest Monday.

WOOHOO!!!!

No sex for 3 to 5 days, so that the Boi can do his bit.

*sob*

I still think that calling the results Petri would be cool; that's where it was conceived and we can say we are going for a variation on it's dad's name. ;p

To round out todays post, a quote on infertility.

There are highly gifted spirits who are always infertile simply because, owing to a weakness in temperament, they are too impatient to wait out their pregnancy to term. -
Friedrich Nietzsche

Day eight: Scan in the morning.

So... It's hot, I'm feeling very ditsy and moody. I have no energy to do anything. All of this and a scan in the morning to count follicles.

If all goes well we harvest Friday or Monday. If not, we begin again when my next cycle starts.

A lot rides on the number of those little follicles.

I feel like a battery hen that knows she'll be sent to the slaughter house if her egg production isn't good enough.This photo of my fat belly (I've lost two kilos and we think it's off my thighs and bottom, less cellulite. The drugs increase weight gain around my middle.) also shows my bruising from the injections earlier in the week... you know the one that I said speared each cell? (I do like that it's rounded and up front like I'm second trimester already. I don't like that it makes it a bitch to find clothes.)

SO: if tomorrow goes well the next post will be happy and uplifting; if the numbers aren't good then the next post may be sometime coming as I pick myself up all over again.

Oh.. yeah... Synarel headaches getting worse. Some how when working all day I don't notice them as much.

Back to the Golden Globes.

Day seven

So; after much deliberation I decided to talk to my new bosses today about IVF. The last time I did this I ended up fired over something I didn't do. Was I scared? Yes, as I could envision it all going pear shape again.

I couldn't of been more wrong. My supervisor is great and very understanding. I just have to keep her in the loop and give my best at the job. She has also asked me not to discuss this with anyone else at work so that's cool.

I am now feeling blessed.

All I need now is more hours. (An apparent slow spot in the tourist trade so I will only have 5 rostered days this fortnight but that might change in a second.)

This has removed one stress from the process.

I am so lucky. I am so loved and supported.

AND I am not working those three stinking hot days we have coming up.

YAHOO!!!!

Distraction from IVF for a moment.... Day six...

1.WHAT COLOR ARE YOUR KITCHEN PLATES?
Our plates are white; courtesy of many people and wedding presents.

2.WHAT BOOK ARE YOU READING NOW?
Science of the Discworld 2; the Globe.

3.WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE BOARD GAME?
Trivial Pursuit

4.LEAST FAVORITE SMELLS?
Melena.

5.FAVORITE COLOR?
Purple

6.LEAST FAVORITE COLOR?
Watermelon pink or lime green.

7.HOW MANY RINGS UNTIL YOU ANSWER THE PHONE?
five.

8.FUTURE CHILD'S NAME?
Um... the Boi doesn't like it when I reveal these things...

9.CHOCOLATE OR VANILLA?
Vanilla milkshakes, coffee and ice cream... chocolate all else.

10.DO YOU LIKE TO DRIVE FAST?
Um... yeah...

11.DO YOU SLEEP WITH A STUFFED ANIMAL?
Nope: two cats and the Boi. I do have a collection of stuffed toys though.

12.DO YOU LIKE THUNDERSTORMS?
Yes; they turn me on.

13.WHAT WAS YOUR FIRST CAR?
1987 Holden Camira SLX; and I miss her. She was called Little Bitch Blue and could tell my moods and how tired I was. When I was very tired and probably dangerous behind the wheel she wouldn't work. When I was upset she'd tell me to "check engine."

14.WHAT IS YOUR SIGN?
"Cattle Crossing"

15.DO YOU EAT THE STEMS OF BROCCOLI?
Yes, but not the big thick one.

16.IF YOU COULD HAVE ANY JOB WHAT WOULD IT BE?
Extra in movies and on TV. That way I could fulfill a dream without the negative side of fame; I've also done this job and was happier and healthier than ever.

17.IF YOU COULD HAVE ANY COLOR HAIR, WHAT WOULD IT BE?
Dark Auburn bordering on Burgundy. Or purple.

18.IS THE GLASS HALF FULL OR HALF EMPTY?
This depends on the day. At the moment the glass is overflowing. Last evening for a while it was broken.

19.FAVORITE MOVIE?
Breakfast at Tiffany's.

20.DO YOU TYPE WITH YOUR FINGERS ON THE RIGHT KEYS?
yes.

21.WHAT'S UNDER YOUR BED?
Floor boards, dust bunnies.

22.YOUR SINGLE BIGGEST INTENSE PAIN?
Not being able to let things go.

23.PERSON(S) YOU SENT THIS TO WHO IS MOST LIKELY TO RESPOND?
I'm not sending this to anyone. I'm doing this as a narcissistic snapshot of where I am during a rather difficult time.

24.WHO IS LEAST LIKELY TO RESPOND?
See above.

26.WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE SEASON?
Autumn.

27.THE BEST PLACE YOU HAVE EVER BEEN?
The end of the Middle Brighton pier at sunset.

28.WHAT SCREEN SAVER IS ON YOUR COMPUTER RIGHT NOW?
None; but our wallpaper is of the FSM.

29.FAVORITE FAST FOOD?
Hot Chips with gravy.

30.WHAT IS YOUR BIRTH NAME?
My birth certificate says "Cathryn Mary Hayward."

Day five

To try and remove myself from the situation today I thought I'd read others experiences. This might normalise some of the feelings that I'm having today. Before i explore the up side of IVF an update on how I am feeling: SHIT.

I'm moody in a bad way, feel like I am sulking, cooking even though the temperature is reasonable (i.e. not 30C) and have an overwhelming need to cry but cannot seem to achieve this. Oh, yeah, and my tummy hurts where I was injected this morning.

Blogs of interest or note on this topic:

Ugot2beKidding: a series of light hearted posts that made me laugh. Nikki's most recent ones are of the "things that made me laugh" rather than the heavier "oh woe is my empty uterus" styling. This might be as she is in her second trimester!

My favourite post from todays read was Twelve Days of Christmas. It made me laugh out loud, which is a good thing at this time.

Next I stumbled over Jenny From The Infertility Block. She's one of the founders of cyclesista; a blog role of who is undergoing treatment at this time. She's going through all the fun of pregnancy too. This is giving me much hope. Her Miss Manners post should be available on a t-shirt. Many girlfriends have commented on the invasion of personal space that happens during pregnancy and I think she has captured the overall feeling in this post.

My Fave quote from this site?

Don't tell me it will be easier to get pregnant the second time - if sperm doesn't swim, it doesn't get any easier

Next we have that Dynamo Dad himself, Aussie Max from Sydney. I love getting a different perspective on the whole process. Sometimes I fear that the Boi isn't telling me all that he is feeling about this, so reading males blogs on infertility and parenthood helps to fill some of this gap.

Max has a way of putting things that makes me smile and cry. His views on the language differences between here and the US, highlighted in the debate on "rooting" is funny, his diabetes and donuts rant spot on and his quest to lose weight heart warming (especially as a female trying to do the same thing. It's nice to here a guy struggle.)

Max isn't afraid to put himself out there. I like this.

Baby Quest has a long section of infertility humour. Some of it's cringe worthy. Some of it doesn't translate to Oz. Miss Quest has PCOS so her condition is tricky and the treatments are somewhat different from those that I have experienced. The worst I can expect is not enough eggs for harvest. She might develop cysts and lose her ovaries all together with the treatments.

Ok... so I'm off to kill a neighbour playing doof-doof while my head hurts and my hormones are in "All men are evil and must be castrated for the good of the species" mode.

It's OK, I won't waste the corpse.

BBQ, our place, tommorrow.

We'll supply the meat. ;p

Day four...

So, nothing new to report today.

Puregon injection went well this morning... I only felt every cell being speared on the way through but no bruising, which I am sure is what counts. The Boi does a great job considering that he has no medical training; as he says "I'm only an amateur gynaecologist but I'm happy to look in to it."

The Synarel is causing more headaches and starting to disrupt my sleep patterns. It's also impacting upon my moods. What credibility will I have left as a Goth if I keep wandering around with a grin on my face?

The Boi cleaned today so I was welcomed home to the scent of lemon. He also got his head shaved so he looks more like a teddy bear than ever and all I want to do is cuddle him while patting his number 3 cut.

Work was busy but well organised. It also wasn't too hot today, which is a bonus.

So, if you've read this you've lost a minute and a half of your life you'll never get back and learnt nothing new.

Still feeling like a battery hen... pumped full of hormones and awaiting eggs...

Dinner time.

Puregon

Day three of the latest IVF cycle: today we start the injections of Puregon.

As the propaganda at the website states: It contains a hormone similar to the human hormone FSH (follicle stimulating hormone). This hormone causes eggs to become mature and ready for release by the ovary. The more eggs that mature, the greater the chance that one of them will be fertilized, leading to pregnancy.

So the side effects are not dissimilar to ovulating.

The Synarel headaches are getting worse.

No side effects from the Puregon yet; except a tender spot where my darling drug pusher injected me. There's no bruising at site though which is a bonus.

I tested myself in the "tears for no reason" stakes today. I began in the nappy isle of the Supermarket; NO TEARS. I then graduated to the baby section in Target and spent an hour cooing over the gorgeous baby clothing. I'm taking this as a good sign.

I read the Boi's entry which makes me sad, I know he will be a good provider and is worrying for no reason. How to get him to see this.

Anyway; I'm going to pass out in front of the TV and eat ice cream and chocolate topping to make me even fatter and it even harder for people to find my ovaries while watching crappy US sitcoms.