Phases Of The Moon and Phases Of Fertility


Wednesday, March 21, 2007

Song lyrics and mortality: the cyclic nature of being.

My father is reaching a point in which he is starting to not recognise those around him. When we visit he holds my hand and squeezes my fingers so tight I fear they may break, but I'd rather broken fingers than the broken heart I carry inside me as I watch him die.

They're using a Blood, Sweat and Tears song on Medium tonight. You know the one:

I'm not scared of dying
And I, don't really care
If it' s peace you find in dying
Well then, let the time be near

It continues in the chorus with:

And when I die, and when I'm gone
There'll be, one child born
In this world
To carry on, to carry on
Pretty much my view on death and dying in one song.

I'm not afraid of my own mortality, I doubt I ever have been.

I'm missing the man my father was already. He has been my anchor for so long that now, even with the support and love of the Boi I feel adrift. Little things I could always talk to my Dad about I cannot talk to him about anymore . He will never be able to assuage my fears about the pregnancy or what life will be like without him in it.

I know you only get handed as much as you can handle but I don't think I can handle anymore.


ellie said...

I'm sorry your dad is continuing to decline. It is incredibly painful process you are going through- I am so sorry that you have to go through this- I'd say it gets better- but it pretty much sucks for a long time and I can say I am here and reading you- and hoping that you have some comfort in knowing you aren't completely alone- and that I have been adrift like you. All I can really do is hold the space and tell you- it's fine to grieve and there is no start or end time for when it will arrive or leave.

Hopeful Mother said...

Thinking of you during this difficult time.