Phases Of The Moon and Phases Of Fertility


Wednesday, January 31, 2007

IVF Blog titles...

Before deciding to publish and be damned here our journey through the latest rounds of IVF I gave some thought to beginning another journal, purely for the purposes of documenting the IVF journey and not having reminders everyday if things went bad.

I considered the possible names I could use...

Black Fingernails, Red Cells

My Life As A Battery Hen

Ziggy Stardust and The Spiders From Ma

INCONCEIVABLE! (I don't think that means what you think it means.) [With pictures and quotes throughout from Princess Bride.]

Crossing Fingers Uncrossing Legs [The advice my mother gave us when we told her of the problems we we're having.]

Infertile Soil

Some of my faves had been taken...

Pin Cushion Diaries

Journey To The Center Of The Egg

Womb With A View

In the end I decided that Cordial was always supposed to be about where I am now and things that grab my interests. Crayons is ffor meme's and creative rants and expression; soon as I figure out how to capture the pictures I've painted in the best light that will also have my creative expression of IVF and frustrations.

Both should be able to contain all the hopes, fears and dreams tha one heart struggles to encapsulate.

Really? I'd only start another blog for this if the Boi was co-writing so taht people got a balanced perspective of the process. I might ask him to post a full explanation of why we need IVF; seeing as it's his nuts that are broken.

In the meantime I'm happy with my decision.

Now I really should go do some housework.

Signs and symptoms: or, I have a day off and no energy to move.

Out of desperation to better understand what is going on in my body I thought I'd look up morning sickness. I mean if it is psycho somatic than I should only have nausea and breast tenderness, if it's real I might have a few more things... so I entered Morning Sickness in google.

First result:

First tab of interest in this: Pregnancy Smptoms.

Lets see which ones I have so I can obsess even more. (This sentence is followed by either a maniacal laugh or a journey through the round window.)

  • Missed period or a period with less bleeding than normal
  • Yes, but that could be all th hormones that are floating around inmy system that mean I am late... by about three days... so I'm not going to take this one to heart.

  • Backaches
  • YES, really severe to point of having trouble with movement. Seeing as I am not clear how I hurt my back yesterday, twisted to pick up something behind me but in the past this has been alleviated after a hot shower and some rest. Not this time. So, I'm claiming this one.

  • Constipation
    This symptom is caused by hormone changes, and the growing uterus pressing against the bowel.
  • I brought a bottle of prune juice, does that count as tmi?

  • Darkening of areola (breast nipple)
    This can be one of the first symptoms which can appear as early as one week after conception and then throughout pregnancy.
  • Nope

  • Excessive salivation
  • Yes, but then the salivary glands trigger is very close to the place in the brain for nausea. So I don't know.

  • Exhaustion or feeling sleepy
    Can occur one to six weeks after conception and last your entire pregnancy.
  • Yes.

  • Food cravings
  • Yes

  • Frequent urination
    You may see this symptom six to eight weeks after conception and it will be with you for your entire pregnancy. This is caused by hormone changes and growing pressure on the bladder.
  • Yes

  • Headaches
  • Yes, but I can explain this away.

  • Increased sense of smell
  • Yes, but I thought that was because i am no longer stuffing syneral up my nose.

  • Lower abdominal cramps
  • Check

  • Nausea and vomiting
    This symptom usually shows up two to ten weeks after conception. The degree in which you feel sick varies from none to full fledged vomiting. The terminology for this nausea is "morning sickness" by can happen at any time of the day. Hormone changes in your body cause this symptom.
  • Check

  • Tender or swollen breasts
    This symptom is one that can appear rather quickly after fertilization - one to two weeks after conception and will most likely be with you your entire pregnancy.
  • Check
Ok, so by this list I am pregnant. Somehow I think there may be more to these very general symptoms and they could all be explained away if I really wanted to.

Did you know women who experience morning sickness have less chance of a miscarriage?

The remedies tab at this site is good, except that my craves are for spicy foods and it advises avoidance as they can exacerbate the nausea.

Most of the other sites in the top ten say to seperate liquids and solids, maintain your B6 and drink ginger tea. All good advice. They all recommend dry plain crackers and cereals too.

For more information try:

OK, I'm going to try and get a few things done before I have my volunteer work this afternoon.

Hugs out to Deanna.

Tuesday, January 30, 2007

Stirrup Queen rides high in the saddle!

I think everyone should read this post.

You can apply it to all areas of your life.

If more people thought like this the world would be a better place.

OK; Gushing over.


This is the worst time. I am so scared that living normally (which is what they tell you to do) will result in the blastocyte not implanting and us having to start all over again yet if I don't continue as *normal* as I can then I'll go insane with worry.

The 2ww sucks: that's two week wait not second world war for those who aren't up on their IVF jargon (and who isn't these days?)

Am I throwing up because of morning sickness? Which is the biggest BS in the history of name calling: if it lasted until midday that would be OK but it persists for me until about 6 in the evening.

Is this merely a side effect that takes about twelve hours to strike, hangs around for 12 hours then vanishes again?

I find myself already seeking out spots because it's easier to have no hope this time then have expectations met rather than to have hope and my heart torn out again.

I want a baby so badly. I see examples of things others would be all"eew, gross" over in children and envy that not being a part of my life.

Sorry, I'm crying again. Fuck! I use this blog to get things out to stop them poisoning me then this shit comes up all over again.

The Boi wants me to be angry at him; seriously, how can I? I love him, even if his balls don't work. Before this I always thought it was me... I mean I'd had a few late cycles which doctors told me were miscarriages (apparently a cycle over a month late is thought to be one. Shrug.) but never an actual pregnancy scare... and trust me if anyone was going to I would.

I'm allergic to condoms and birth control makes me psychotic and paranoid. They have to do a boost cycle with us because stuffing my hormones up the other way sends me over the edge.

All I can think of with this is "all that money we wasted on birth control and pessaries to fight the side effects." I used to pray not to get pregnant (Lil' ol' Pagan me praying to "One God"... think more a general universal plea to who ever was listening while passing through the deo-sphere.)now I would return to church if I thought it would work. Mind you I can no longer be Catholic even if I want to because the way they do IVF makes the blastocytes a life in the eyes of the church and freezing them means I'm murdering those that don't defrost. (Or as one kindly Priest put it; you create life to kill it in the hope that one of the lives you created survives. Wanna know why I no longer go to church? Rant for another time I think. For the record: Not Anti any religious group, just issues with some of the cheer squads.)

The other thing is I hurt my back today to the poin that it hurts to sit for long periods or walk or climb stairs or lift anything. Some of these impact on my ability to work. Anyone elese think the universe is telling me to slow down?

Anyway... at the moment I am scared. I want this to work, I hope this works; but I am so scared that if I have hope than that will be to much and it won't work.

Then what do I do?

Huge hugs to all those other 2ww out there. I hope your all in a better place than this little pink cat is at the moment. (and I hope it contains lots'lots of chocky or foods you like to eat.)

OH! Miss Politics; I'm eating a lot of plain rice crackers and drinking copious ammounts of plain mineral water. I'm keeping an eye out for gluten free crackers as you suggested. Thanks.

Deanna: Good luck, Gorgeous.

Monday, January 29, 2007

Some People Rock

I sent a request to what I thought was an American based blog list for couples going through IVF. I've linked to it before: cyclesista. I thought I'd get a nice "Good luck, you're linked" response. You get those when you join wordless Wednesday, Tuesday twosome and the Saturday scavenger hunt.

Instead I got a lovely letter and a whole heap of information from someone who lives "down the road" from where the Boi and I are.

Every now and then someone does something that breaks through the cynical hormonal self that I can be and makes me realise how fortunate I am on so many levels.

Add to this the kindness shown by employer when, nauseous and dizzy about to fall asleep where I stood, I was let go home early even with the bucket loads of work still to do.

I walked in at home to collapse on the bed, mutter something about mineral water and plain rice crackers, then fall asleep for 2 hours.

I don't want to be too hopeful but I cannot remember being this nauseated or tired the last two times. I don't have as severe a crinone reaction; but will whinge about headaches and gall bladder pain of a lesser degree at another point when I have forgotten this.

On a sadder note: I missed a call from a great friend, when I called her back she told me that an old Melbourne Goth had passed over from a brain anuerysm. She was a friend in a social sense, so we weren't that close. I might write a tribute for her over at LJ for those who would like a few memories of what a great person whe was. I just want to put a huge hug out there for all those missing her and mourning her. She was a good person and the world needs more of those. For me I will remember her as the first person who challenged my boundaries in BDSM and perceptions of people. I'm not going to insult her by trying to remember how to spell her name (I'm notoriously bad at spelling names) so simply;

Vale, A. Too short lived, for long loved.
Thoughts to family and friends
Angels to watch over all
Rest in Peace, A.

I'm going to go rest now. I have an early start in the morning then two days off (before 5 days straight.) I might coffee and chocky first. I feel like I'm avoiding many of my other favourite things: soft cheeses, long hot baths, sushi: so I figure I get some treats.

I'm happy to receive recipes and advice on foods; please remember I am coeliac and lacto ova vegetarian.

The blastocytes they didn't put in didn't survive, so no bub-sicles for back up.

I need lots of prayers and hope at the moment but am finding it so hard to find.

I'm thinking in honour of A that I'll call the one in my tummy Titania or Frank.

Sunday, January 28, 2007

Blast [-o-cyt-]ing in to motherhood

I have a blastocyte in my tummy, implanted yesterday.

It's at day 5 growth.

If all goes well at the blood test in a fortnight I am pregnant.

If not: they suggest you look at it like a delayed period and not a miscarriage, but this doesn't help. This is where Ziggy Stardust went byebye.

If all goes well the next hurdle is the first scan.

We lost "The spiders from Mars" at this one.

I called them by names so i didn't feel a drip talking to my tummy.

Ziggy Stardust came from a joke about having an alien inside; loving the alien; the alien being a Zygote... so in a long round about way the "Loving the alien" Bowie reference ended up ZS&TSFM. So when we had three blastocytes from last time the first one was Ziggy.

The backing group became the Spiders.

I'm looking for a cute name for this lots. We have three awaiting freezing; we find out how that goes tommorow.

I like the idea of a "Pun that flows". Mum called me Methusalah as she felt she was the oldest mum ever at 42.

My niece's little boy called his brother a jelly bean when he saw the ultrasound photo so she had a Jelly-bean in her jelly belly. I swear I still cannot eat Jelly beans around Josh for fear of questions.

The Boi andI have decided not to tell people too soon this time. my fear comes in having his niece aged almost 6 and Josh, 5, know what's going on and ask uncomfortable questions if things don't work.

Boi get's this.

Also it means less crap about MIL who "know" and buy innappropriate presents. (If she ever reads this, HORMONES, I SWEAR!) MIL rocks but can be a little difficult to cope with as she is such an optimist. When I reach 3 months I'll be doing the "I've got some ideas on maternity clothes... can you help?" so I can dress comfortable without losing me.

We've decided not to do (read, The Boi's told me he doesn't like it) the releasing options on names too early. I still favour the idea of calling them/ it/ him/ her after a family member who's passed over or has a big impact on us. I'm thinking his side for boy my side for girl. Is this TMI? I guess I'll find out.

Stuill, all in all we got the coolest little picture of our blastocyte yesterday. The crinone has not yet decided my gall bladder is it's new worst enemy, and the nausea this time is almost bearable.

All positives.

Friday, January 26, 2007

The lighter side of fertility and kids... and an update.

And while we are on it: the next step is Crinone gel. This made me feel like I was passing gallstones last time so I am so very happy to be on it again. On the up side; my boobs have gone up a cup size during the process and the migraines have stopped. On the down side I still feel like I've been cut open around my abdomen and I have no libido.

I call between one and two to get the time for tomorrow.

Something I started a little while back.

I might finish this one day. Anyone ou there got some favourite quotes about our beautiful country from an outsiders perspective?

"Austria! Well, then. G'day mate! Let's put another shrimp on the barbie!"
-Lloyd, Dumb and Dumber

"Don't worry about the world coming to an end today. It is already tomorrow in Australia."

-Charles Schultz

"Where the hell is Australia anyway?"
- Britney Spears

I like it [Australia] a lot, I think it's a terrific country; they really know how to live. The natural history of the place is endlessly fascinating.
by Bill Bryson

One of the strongest prejudices that one has to overcome when one visits Australia is that created by the weird jargon than passes for English in this country.
Valerie Desmond

Someone give me a box of tissues

OK... I've raved at everyone to go read Miss Politics blog. Seriously. All four rock. Her one on the Fae is beautiful, her wiccan blog is informative and her recipes are yummy! (More please.)

Then there is her main blog. I don't always agree with her, we are human after all and if I agreed 100% with her she could accuse me of stalking and ask me to stay at least 50m away from her blog at all times. ;p

Then she does this.

How could I not love this womyn?


Ten reasons I am proud to be Australian.

1) Freedom of speech. You wouldn't be able to say this in many other countries without fear of great retribution. The worst Miss Politics can expect is some personal abuse and a lively debate over the issues she raises. Then again, I wouldn't be able to say many of the things I've said here. (Think about China and Google.)

2) We have a boeard of selectors who have a sense of humour when it comes to Australian of the year and give it to a guy who is raising awareness about climate change to be presented by Mr Head in the sand himself, Howard.

3) We can laugh at ourselves. I awoke this morning to an announcer playing "The National Anthem" as proposed by Monty Python; very simply "Australia, Australia, Australia, we love you." How cool is that?

4) As a female I can determine my own fertlity, I am not subjected to a dress code designed to prevent heat exhaustion and wind burn 2000 years ago (thinking burkhas), I have a right to education, to not be beaten, married off to a stranfer, killed or raped as a "cultural norm". The list is endless. I also live in a country with enough food and clean water for me to decide to follow my heart on an ethical issue and not be forced to eat meat because it's the only thing available.

5) Our love of the under dog and tendency to cut down "Tall Poppies". Come on? Who out there doesn't have a soft spot for the "Little Aussie Battler" while loving to see people like Ray Martin put in their box?

6) We have gun restrictions. We have this as we try to fix our problems in a sensible way, not deny they exist purely because a right wing organisation has a bigger lobby group than the families of those left behind in the many massacres.

7) Our music: I love Oz Rock, and even have on video many of the Australian Music Festivals when they were broadcast. I am proud to say the I own more Australian music than stuff from overseas. I also love our films, our artists and our authors (despite me collection of mainly English writers.)

8) I love how the country changes constantly, and every side she shows has in it beauty. Sure; Bushfires are bad, but the changes in the scenery though frightening are also hauntingly beautiful. I would love to remove the death of these fires, and the loss to personal property, but the regrowth after shows how much bigger the country is thatn a few people.

9) Our wildlife. Lets face it, it's pretty unique. Platypuses; a sure sign god was on drugs when she designed a few of the animals. More importantly a sure sign that the creators of the dream time left some of the dreams behind them.

Wombats must be my favourite, followed a very close second by fairy (or whatever the fuck we are calling them now) penguins.

10) Our use of language.

Strewth, Mate, you know I'm not coming the raw prawn. You'd have to be some kind of drongo not to see the colourful spin we put on words. Faaark! It's got more texture than a Pollock on the pavement after a dead horse and fly. Those Seppoes mightn't get it,. but hey, no worries... eh, Cobba?

Sadly it's also on the way out...

But mostly I guess I just love how no matter how bad it gets we have a strange sense of optimism;

"Me wife just got pulled in to the combine harvester... still... could be worse. At least I'll save on blood and bone this year."

Unless it effects the sport:

"Bloody drought, can't water the pitch for the cricket. They're sayin' it might impact on the Footy (AFL not Soccer, ARL or Union.) And the Greens for the bowls are lookin' pretty yellow. Still, it's not stoppin' the tennis."

So: Having gotten all of that out of my system.

I'd like to wish everyone a happy Australia Day.

I'd also like to apologise to the Indigenous people of this land for all the hurt and crap we have put them through. Thank you for sharing your beautiful culture and country with us. We are blessed.

Thursday, January 25, 2007

Just For Fun

I followed a link at Anonymous Lefty out of curiosity... seems I'm pretty spot on in what I think I am...

Greens Australian Democrats Labor Party Family First Liberal Party National Party One Nation
90.6% 80.8% 74.5% 43.8% 33.5% 27.9% 19.7%

Political outlook

Your broad political orientation score is -65.3%, which equates to a ‘Left’ position

Economic policy

Your economic policy score score is -50%. This equates to a ‘Left’ position

Social policy

Your social policy score is -69.5%. This equates to a ‘Left’ position

Traditional values

Your traditional values score is -75.6%. This equates to a ‘Far Left’ position

Yep, thought so.

I must say I thought I would rank higher on the Democrat scale than the Green, but I am happy with the outcome. It reflects a good general overview of where I am politically. Some of the questions were a bit confusing in their wording, but over all a quiz that was well worded and thought out.

IVF: Ohhhh *slaps wrist to forehead*, The Pain!

Seeing as I can barely move from the sharp shooting pains in my abdomen following two days of work and the harvest on Monday I'm killing time by doing memes that I was lagging on and posting crap on this site.

I start the gel tonight and we transfer on Saturday; I need to call and find out the time in the one hour window they open on Australia Day.

My employer continues to be so lovely about all of this that I want to cry. I told her I needed Saturday and she gave me the weekend and an open Monday. If I go back on Monday she wants me doing the fiddly things and not pushing myself to hard to fast. How lucky am I?

Surfing around I found a few blogs had commented on the AD's antiracism stance by calling them unAustralian. Quotes out of context (but hey, you gotta expect that from people who feed of the teat of the Murdoch Media). Once again peoples: they support the flag not the abuse of it by racist yobbos who want to use it as a symbol of hate. Think the KKK in the US using the Stars and Stripes as a motive on their uniforms. Do you think that even the most open minded Senator would support this as "freedom of speech" or lament the degradation of the flag by using it as a symbol of hatred.

I don't know what images stuck with others of the Cronulla riots but in my mind I see the violence perpetrated by thsoe wearing the flag.

As Senator Bartlett said, and I paraphrase here, it's unAustralian to use the flag in such a way.

Having said that the blogs who've ran with this story have a higher readership than they deserve and about as much credibility in what they are saying as Howard has time for multiculturalism. (I'm primarily thinking Mr "Innaugral Blog Award".)

A much bigger travesty is seeing Amanda Vanstone kicked out of the cabinet by Howard. I became a fan of sorts during her appearances on Good News Week. She also gets kudos for her "It's better to be big in the backside than to have bulldust for brains." comment. I didn't like her politics at times; but then she had an unenviable job to do.

In other news Herr Bolt is back; see the Boi's blog and Bolt Watch for a good summary of why this stinks. I'm not linking directly to Bolt, he gets enough coverage at the HereallDumb.

Ok, that's me ranted out.

Tuesday, January 23, 2007

IVF: quick update

We went for the harvest yesterday; 5 harvested.

They called today to tell us that 4 have divided, so transfer is Saturday.

Prayers, fingers crossed, whatever you think might help people.

Thanks for all those who've shown support.

More details when I have time.

It's not just the Greens...

Sometimes, the media make a mistake. It happens, little details are misrepresented to push an agenda that to the average person seems hidden or non existent.

Like discrediting a political party who disagrees with the cross media ownership laws.

How do you do this? You put a headline in your banner saying "Australian Democrats back ban on flag at Big Day Out" then don't follow it up at all.

For the truth go here.

As Senator Bartlett says:

Democrats' Deputy Leader, Senator Andrew Bartlett says calls by government MPs to cancel the Big Day Out music festival shows how thin their commitment is to free speech and so-called Australian values.

"The approach of the Big Day Out organisers might not be the best way to go, but they should be congratulated for trying to stand up against racism and the misuse of the Australian flag," Senator Bartlett said.

"Andrew Robb has preached long and loud about everyone needing to have 'Australian values', yet when a major festival seeks to prevent misuse of the Australian flag, he calls for their event to be banned!"

"Anyone who thinks that racists don't use our flag as a way to try to justify their putrid creed still has their head buried in the sands of Cronulla beach."

"Being proud of your country shouldn't mean being blind to its flaws, and being proud of your flag is all the more reason to refuse to let it be used by bigots and racists."

"Giving an uncritical approval to anything as long as it has the Australian flag wrapped around it is a sure fire way to encourage misuse of the flag," Senator Bartlett concluded.

Seek the truth from more sources then Today or that thingy on 7 in the morning.

Thursday, January 18, 2007

Day Ten

After yesterdays rant on the bad advice out there I though I'd try a more positive spin on the things they tell you to do.

Fertility plus IVF Hints is exactly what it says it is. It's a site dedicated to helping those who are trying to conceive.

Some of the advice in at this site is stuff I wish someone had told me last time.

This gem may explain why I am so tired at the moment; and nope, I don't think it's iron, folate or protein as I am taking lots of good iron and folate supplements and keeping protein levels well up.

Rest is very important, even before transfer. All those developing eggs are taking up a lot of space and energy.

I'd have liked this information for all the times I bashed myself up over wanting to sleep all day, or sitting down for five minutes and waking up two hours later.

I love this one:
The main IVF hint is to pamper yourself! An IVF cycle is a very stressful thing and anything that helps you through it without harming a potential baby is okay! Which gives me an excuse to have long baths and go shopping.

They then drop this one:
Small amounts of alcohol will probably not adversely affect you or your eggs, but caffeine has been shown to affect fertility, even in small amounts, so try to avoid it. So I can drink a little but need to give up coffee and coke. So much for pampering myself. I wonder if I just cut back and drink good quality coffee only if that will do? I already have caffeine free tea so it's really only my coffee intake I need to consider.

It can be very comforting to find someone, either in cyberspace or in person, that is in a similar situation (factor, cycle) that you can share stories and progress with. I'm using this blog and reading others to normalise the entire process. I never really had that last time. I talked alot to the Boi, and random strangers, but not to anyone who'd experienced the smae type of IVF as we were going to need. Those I had talked to went through a different process; not icsi, no harvests.

While I'm at it; if you want to understand IVF from an easy to read and very informative professional site; try Repromed. It's Australian, easy to navigate, and brilliantly easy to read.

OK, now where were we? Oh, yeah...
The extra fluid your developing follicles are taking up and being NPO before retrieval can sometimes cause constipation. Increasing your consumption of fiber and fluids as you approach egg retrieval may help alleviate this. So drinking litres of water due to the heat and wanting to eat lots of fruit is a very good thing.

I'm not going to recreate the site here for everyone; go to the link. I love how it divides the advice up; isn't preachy; is easy to read without using lots of jargon; doesn't hype chances but offers a realistic perspective; doesn't suggest things that give false hope (like eating pomegranates so the body learns to love the seeds and make it easier to concieve; seriously; I was told this by more than one person.) The site is by patients for patients.

I'm the first one to admit my reviews aren't the best, but I hope others can get some help from this one and use the site.

On a home front: Got some housework done today so feel better on that level. I am hoping it either poors or stops drizzling so I know what to do with the basket of wet washing. I purchased a cute top today marked down from $50 to $20 which I ended up paying $10 for. The weather isn't as hot (bonus) but is muggy. Headaches are not too bad today but bad taste in mouth from Synarel not disappearing.

We are heading out for dinner tonight so that should be fun; as long s the Boi's niece doesn't want to play "Mummy's, you be the mummy." That kills me. And it's so innocent I can't growl about it. She also asks when we are having kids. Anyone else gets the serve, but if your under 6 I figure it's innocence or programming and not your fault.

Anyway; might go to Eastland and do some more browsing; get some chunky jewellery.

Out of curiosity is it rude to give a person a 40th birthday card for their 39th with "almost" inserted everywhere? I think it's funny, but you never know with hormones.

Final word to La Cosby:
Through humor, you can soften some of the worst blows that life delivers. And once you find laughter, no matter how painful your situation might be, you can survive it. Bill Cosby quotes

Wednesday, January 17, 2007

Bad advice for those with a family member who is infertile; part one.

OK; I have to say in my search for information and support through out the process this time I have encountered some strange sites. I'm calling this Part One as I am sure I will come across some more... or even better have others give me unsolicited advice.

Let's start with a Christian Support Group.

As a Catholic what we are doing is a mortal sin (due to the loss of embryos, it's equated with abortion, why do you think Tony Abbot doesn't like it?). This is one of the many reasons I am no longer Catholic. So when I stumbled across a site dedicated to supporting infertile Christians I was intrigued.

It begins:

Infertility and Friendship

I know you, as a friend of a couple waiting for that most special Gift
from God, never mean to be insensitive. Sometimes though it may be hard
for you to understand the anguish they are feeling when......Your sweet two year old, all in the five minutes you left him, methodically put all the trash you thought you had up out of his reach, in the middle of the living room, tore off his diaper and smeared all the good stuff in it on your kitchen floor and then threw up all over your clean carpet. Of course this also happens to be the time your Mother-in Law (who is a fanatic about housecleaning) is due to stop in any minute! Or when your precious little girl tells, well... everyone, that she has a boo boo on her wee wee and "do you want to see it?" Yes, but for all this, that child is still precious, and to the Couple In Waiting, those life scenes can seem out of reach and oh so heart wrenching.

OK, lets consider this: Most special gift from God; hm mm, what does this involve? Those born with horrific retardation? If you don't like it can you return it?

The examples they give of why you might find it hard to understand how anyone would find not having a child hard are about as well thought out an argument as, say, firing off a rant at another blog for being arseholes because they attacked your opinion when you had attacked theirs.

If someone told me about a child that smeared shit all over the floor and emptied out bins I'd offer them a pack of condoms and a strong drink. I wouldn't get all teary about not having a child. In fact, i think I'd pop the champers and celebrate not having a "Gift from God" that is the Devil's spawn.

And seriously, if your mother-in-law is such a cow that she cannot understand the temperament of a two year old and his creative expression of self then you've got bigger problems than a shitty floor.

Know what I'd do? Clean the kid up, dump him on Grandma and ask her to take him for a walk so I could clean up his mess. Or even better; call Grandma, explain the situation, ask her if she could be a dear and grab something for morning tea and get the brat to help before going to bed.

And as for the "boo boo on my wee wee" example? I'd be more worried how she got it in the first place to give a flying fuck who she offered to show.

So what do they tell those supporting this couple deprived of a gift from God?

Please Don't Say: "This must be the will of God for your life."-
That may be, but if you lost a loved one to death, would
you really want someone to say that to you in your grief?

Please Do Say: "Can I pray with you about this"?

Please Don't Say: "You can always adopt a child"- True, and adoption
is a blessing for a lot of people, but for many women they still feel the
need to bear a child. Consider Proverbs 30:15-16,..."There are three
things that are never satisfied, four that never say, 'enough'!: the grave,
the barren womb, land, which is never satisfied with water, and fire,
which never says, 'Enough!'

Please Do Say: "I will pray for you fervently and ask the Lord to bless
you and give you the desire of your heart".

If someone asks if they can pray with me about this they better hope I'm in Happy Hormone Land at the time. Yep, you can pray for me. Just don't shove your beliefs down my throat at this time.

You can laugh at my Wicca practices as "cute little coping methods", I'll do the same to your need to pray to an imaginary invisible man who, if I believed in him as the Bible describes, would have ordained this as part of his great plan.

Oh, btw, "imaginary invisible man" is a George Carlin quote.

As for the adoption thing? Don't get me started on the impossible nature of adopting locally in Australia and all the hassles of international adoption. Or the cow (yes, I want to use the "other" C word but am restraining myself) who called up a discussion on 774 ABC AM to tell people IVF is the ultimate act of selfishness when so many children need a home.

I would like to eventually foster children though, but then you have the heart ache of giving them back.

I'm going to leave you with a Maya Angelou quote: "I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.”

Day nine: The scan results.

To summarise today's events:

Blood tests show my hormone levels are in the right range.

Ultra Sound (Internal, how nice, it's like sex with a robot without the orgasm or the dignity.) showed lots of follicles all ready for harvesting.

So; two more days of injections of puregon. Two and a half days more of Synarel. Injection Saturday night to release eggs. Harvest Monday.


No sex for 3 to 5 days, so that the Boi can do his bit.


I still think that calling the results Petri would be cool; that's where it was conceived and we can say we are going for a variation on it's dad's name. ;p

To round out todays post, a quote on infertility.

There are highly gifted spirits who are always infertile simply because, owing to a weakness in temperament, they are too impatient to wait out their pregnancy to term. -
Friedrich Nietzsche

Tuesday, January 16, 2007

Day eight: Scan in the morning.

So... It's hot, I'm feeling very ditsy and moody. I have no energy to do anything. All of this and a scan in the morning to count follicles.

If all goes well we harvest Friday or Monday. If not, we begin again when my next cycle starts.

A lot rides on the number of those little follicles.

I feel like a battery hen that knows she'll be sent to the slaughter house if her egg production isn't good enough.This photo of my fat belly (I've lost two kilos and we think it's off my thighs and bottom, less cellulite. The drugs increase weight gain around my middle.) also shows my bruising from the injections earlier in the week... you know the one that I said speared each cell? (I do like that it's rounded and up front like I'm second trimester already. I don't like that it makes it a bitch to find clothes.)

SO: if tomorrow goes well the next post will be happy and uplifting; if the numbers aren't good then the next post may be sometime coming as I pick myself up all over again.

Oh.. yeah... Synarel headaches getting worse. Some how when working all day I don't notice them as much.

Back to the Golden Globes.

Monday, January 15, 2007

Day seven

So; after much deliberation I decided to talk to my new bosses today about IVF. The last time I did this I ended up fired over something I didn't do. Was I scared? Yes, as I could envision it all going pear shape again.

I couldn't of been more wrong. My supervisor is great and very understanding. I just have to keep her in the loop and give my best at the job. She has also asked me not to discuss this with anyone else at work so that's cool.

I am now feeling blessed.

All I need now is more hours. (An apparent slow spot in the tourist trade so I will only have 5 rostered days this fortnight but that might change in a second.)

This has removed one stress from the process.

I am so lucky. I am so loved and supported.

AND I am not working those three stinking hot days we have coming up.


Sunday, January 14, 2007

Distraction from IVF for a moment.... Day six...

Our plates are white; courtesy of many people and wedding presents.

Science of the Discworld 2; the Globe.

Trivial Pursuit



Watermelon pink or lime green.


Um... the Boi doesn't like it when I reveal these things...

Vanilla milkshakes, coffee and ice cream... chocolate all else.

Um... yeah...

Nope: two cats and the Boi. I do have a collection of stuffed toys though.

Yes; they turn me on.

1987 Holden Camira SLX; and I miss her. She was called Little Bitch Blue and could tell my moods and how tired I was. When I was very tired and probably dangerous behind the wheel she wouldn't work. When I was upset she'd tell me to "check engine."

"Cattle Crossing"

Yes, but not the big thick one.

Extra in movies and on TV. That way I could fulfill a dream without the negative side of fame; I've also done this job and was happier and healthier than ever.

Dark Auburn bordering on Burgundy. Or purple.

This depends on the day. At the moment the glass is overflowing. Last evening for a while it was broken.

Breakfast at Tiffany's.


Floor boards, dust bunnies.

Not being able to let things go.

I'm not sending this to anyone. I'm doing this as a narcissistic snapshot of where I am during a rather difficult time.

See above.


The end of the Middle Brighton pier at sunset.

None; but our wallpaper is of the FSM.

Hot Chips with gravy.

My birth certificate says "Cathryn Mary Hayward."

Saturday, January 13, 2007

Day five

To try and remove myself from the situation today I thought I'd read others experiences. This might normalise some of the feelings that I'm having today. Before i explore the up side of IVF an update on how I am feeling: SHIT.

I'm moody in a bad way, feel like I am sulking, cooking even though the temperature is reasonable (i.e. not 30C) and have an overwhelming need to cry but cannot seem to achieve this. Oh, yeah, and my tummy hurts where I was injected this morning.

Blogs of interest or note on this topic:

Ugot2beKidding: a series of light hearted posts that made me laugh. Nikki's most recent ones are of the "things that made me laugh" rather than the heavier "oh woe is my empty uterus" styling. This might be as she is in her second trimester!

My favourite post from todays read was Twelve Days of Christmas. It made me laugh out loud, which is a good thing at this time.

Next I stumbled over Jenny From The Infertility Block. She's one of the founders of cyclesista; a blog role of who is undergoing treatment at this time. She's going through all the fun of pregnancy too. This is giving me much hope. Her Miss Manners post should be available on a t-shirt. Many girlfriends have commented on the invasion of personal space that happens during pregnancy and I think she has captured the overall feeling in this post.

My Fave quote from this site?

Don't tell me it will be easier to get pregnant the second time - if sperm doesn't swim, it doesn't get any easier

Next we have that Dynamo Dad himself, Aussie Max from Sydney. I love getting a different perspective on the whole process. Sometimes I fear that the Boi isn't telling me all that he is feeling about this, so reading males blogs on infertility and parenthood helps to fill some of this gap.

Max has a way of putting things that makes me smile and cry. His views on the language differences between here and the US, highlighted in the debate on "rooting" is funny, his diabetes and donuts rant spot on and his quest to lose weight heart warming (especially as a female trying to do the same thing. It's nice to here a guy struggle.)

Max isn't afraid to put himself out there. I like this.

Baby Quest has a long section of infertility humour. Some of it's cringe worthy. Some of it doesn't translate to Oz. Miss Quest has PCOS so her condition is tricky and the treatments are somewhat different from those that I have experienced. The worst I can expect is not enough eggs for harvest. She might develop cysts and lose her ovaries all together with the treatments.

Ok... so I'm off to kill a neighbour playing doof-doof while my head hurts and my hormones are in "All men are evil and must be castrated for the good of the species" mode.

It's OK, I won't waste the corpse.

BBQ, our place, tommorrow.

We'll supply the meat. ;p

Friday, January 12, 2007

Day four...

So, nothing new to report today.

Puregon injection went well this morning... I only felt every cell being speared on the way through but no bruising, which I am sure is what counts. The Boi does a great job considering that he has no medical training; as he says "I'm only an amateur gynaecologist but I'm happy to look in to it."

The Synarel is causing more headaches and starting to disrupt my sleep patterns. It's also impacting upon my moods. What credibility will I have left as a Goth if I keep wandering around with a grin on my face?

The Boi cleaned today so I was welcomed home to the scent of lemon. He also got his head shaved so he looks more like a teddy bear than ever and all I want to do is cuddle him while patting his number 3 cut.

Work was busy but well organised. It also wasn't too hot today, which is a bonus.

So, if you've read this you've lost a minute and a half of your life you'll never get back and learnt nothing new.

Still feeling like a battery hen... pumped full of hormones and awaiting eggs...

Dinner time.

Thursday, January 11, 2007


Day three of the latest IVF cycle: today we start the injections of Puregon.

As the propaganda at the website states: It contains a hormone similar to the human hormone FSH (follicle stimulating hormone). This hormone causes eggs to become mature and ready for release by the ovary. The more eggs that mature, the greater the chance that one of them will be fertilized, leading to pregnancy.

So the side effects are not dissimilar to ovulating.

The Synarel headaches are getting worse.

No side effects from the Puregon yet; except a tender spot where my darling drug pusher injected me. There's no bruising at site though which is a bonus.

I tested myself in the "tears for no reason" stakes today. I began in the nappy isle of the Supermarket; NO TEARS. I then graduated to the baby section in Target and spent an hour cooing over the gorgeous baby clothing. I'm taking this as a good sign.

I read the Boi's entry which makes me sad, I know he will be a good provider and is worrying for no reason. How to get him to see this.

Anyway; I'm going to pass out in front of the TV and eat ice cream and chocolate topping to make me even fatter and it even harder for people to find my ovaries while watching crappy US sitcoms.

Wednesday, January 10, 2007


OK, so Aunt Flo came. This meant that this morning I got to start taking Syneral.

Syneral: this link gives a good idea of the uses and the effects.

So far: Vaguer than usual. This means that I found it hard to complete the work today at a pace I wanted to. It also means I have no tolerance for idiots around me. I get to be flaky; you don't.

I don't know if the Synarel or the prolonged ovulation fun means I am feeling totally bitchy; it could be the heat.
It could be the lack of sleep.
Maybe it's having no energy from working long hours and wanting to nest; so I spend all day cleaning others rooms and my own is an organised mess. (The Boi is great but he doesn't sterilise everything like I am currently in the need to do, nor is he vacuuming every five minutes or trying to toilet train the cats... all points against him at the moment.)

It could be messages about how the Boi is feeling like he's not fulfilling the hunter/gatherer role well enough so I can be a lazy cow and focus on the IVF. I know I've gotten this mixed up so "the Boi" please feel free to correct and give your side of this situation.

Headache from over hot and from Synarel; that was fun last time too.

So lets consider a direct quote from the above link:
"With regards to side effects, nafarelin commonly causes hot flushes, changes in sex drive, vaginal dryness, headaches, mood changes, acne, muscle pains, changes in menstrual bleeds, or decreased breast size, all of which relate to the lowering of oestrogen concentrations in the blood. It may also cause local irritation to the nose."

hot flushes: How can I tell with this f@#king heat?

changes in sex drive: Nope, not interested at this point due to heat. Does explain the whole not wanting to through the last two cycles on Synarel.

vaginal dryness: Like I check each day... unless you're having sex like rabbits who can tell?

headaches: Yes, big bad ones too. This could be dehydration but I don't think it is. They aren't migraines (I can still function) and drinking lots of water doesn't ease them. So I'd pretty much say yep, they cause headaches.

mood changes: What! I'm not a moody cow just because it's hot, I'm sleep deprived, I'm in the middle of a cycle and my house looks like a bombsite while I spend all day cleaning other peoples filth? Well that's a relief... and here was I thinking I could apply for a position writing for one of the many needless spite sites on the net. Bugger!

acne: Yes, but that could be connected to my cycle, the heat playing havoc with my skin, or not washing off the SPF 30+ I apply to my face every day properly. Let's blame the drugs though.

muscle pains: Yes. New job using muscles I haven't used in ages? Low tissue salt levels from sweating all day? Drug? I choose the drug, then I'm not as unhealthy as the first ones make me sound.

changes in menstrual bleeds: Might it be that I have enough iron and Folate in my diet meaning a heavier and less painful flow? Could it be the drugs? Is this just way too much information?

decreased breast size: Um... if I noticed this the post would be about them vanishing. It's title would be "Fifteen year old mosquito bites finally heeled." 'Nuff said.

local irritation to the nose: What? A drug taken nasally can irritate the nose? WOW! Whodathunkit. *Shakes head in amazement*

You can read the Boi's take on the return to IVF over at But You Read It... just push the link on the side.

Myself? I'm scared, confused, feeling like crap, tired, hot, moody and craving pickled onions and glasses of milk. I'm also nesting; so not having energy to clean my own space is shitting me.

Tomorrow it's the joy of the injections.

Sunday, January 07, 2007

IVF; the next chapter.

Once Lady Flo appears I am to start the next round of drugs for IVF. If all goes to plan within a month I will be implanted with a blastocyte. They are trying another technique which they have perfected since our miscarriage this time last year.

I'm anxious as this time last year I was on cloud 9; pregnant, new job, going well in my courses and volunteer work. Then I miscarried and got fired. I've probably ranted somewhere about the events surrounding that so I am attempting to apply my resolution for 2007 to this.

Oh, yeah, my resolution... don't sweat the small stuff, and it's all small stuff.

As things happen I'll keep people posted. When I am more awake I will post all the gruesome details about what drugs, procedures, etc we have... maybe a few photos of bruises from injections too.

New Job.

I've been busy, which explains my slackness in the blogosphere lately.

I started my new job on Tuesday and since then have worked 41 hours. I'm cleaning rooms at a resort; which is much harder than I thought it would be. It's fun though, in a "learning new skills, eye to detail being honed, great people to work with" way.

Ten of the hours worked were in my usual job as an agency nurse. This was a nice juxtaposition to the cleaning but allowed me to get some practice in at a slower pace of some of the skills I had picked up over the past week.

What I've learnt so far:

It's more tiring work than any I have ever done before.

It is a high pressure environment but in a different way to Aged Care.

The industry has a lot of waste; 1/4 roles of T.P. are thrown out; not even put into a collective for use in the staff rooms like other places I have heard of do. The amount of soap that is wasted too. We throw out any soap that might of been used. I see the logic but once again would like to see it used in the staff rooms.
Either of these items could be thrown in to a collective pit; along with half containers of bath salts, partly used containers of shampoos, conditioners and body washes; for use by staff off site.
I'd love to use the leftover soaps to experiment with soap making; you grate it down, melt it with some water then cast it. Plain white soaps would allow for me to learn technique and mixing ratios, also in making hand and bath liquid soaps.
I know why they don't do this; but as a person trying to reduce the depth of the footprint she leaves on the planet any waste is a sore point.

The industry is water intensive; fortunately they grey water store the bathrooms and kitchens water for use on the vines and gardens. They also have large water tanks to catch what little rain there is for use in the pools and baths at the health spa side of things.

There is never enough linen; ever; in aged care or hospitality.

Though tired and sore, I am happier than I have been in ages which is a bonus. I am also starting to feel healthier which is a bonus.