Bad advice for those with a family member who is infertile; part one.

OK; I have to say in my search for information and support through out the process this time I have encountered some strange sites. I'm calling this Part One as I am sure I will come across some more... or even better have others give me unsolicited advice.


Let's start with a Christian Support Group.

As a Catholic what we are doing is a mortal sin (due to the loss of embryos, it's equated with abortion, why do you think Tony Abbot doesn't like it?). This is one of the many reasons I am no longer Catholic. So when I stumbled across a site dedicated to supporting infertile Christians I was intrigued.

It begins:

Infertility and Friendship

I know you, as a friend of a couple waiting for that most special Gift
from God, never mean to be insensitive. Sometimes though it may be hard
for you to understand the anguish they are feeling when......Your sweet two year old, all in the five minutes you left him, methodically put all the trash you thought you had up out of his reach, in the middle of the living room, tore off his diaper and smeared all the good stuff in it on your kitchen floor and then threw up all over your clean carpet. Of course this also happens to be the time your Mother-in Law (who is a fanatic about housecleaning) is due to stop in any minute! Or when your precious little girl tells, well... everyone, that she has a boo boo on her wee wee and "do you want to see it?" Yes, but for all this, that child is still precious, and to the Couple In Waiting, those life scenes can seem out of reach and oh so heart wrenching.
OK, lets consider this: Most special gift from God; hm mm, what does this involve? Those born with horrific retardation? If you don't like it can you return it?

The examples they give of why you might find it hard to understand how anyone would find not having a child hard are about as well thought out an argument as, say, firing off a rant at another blog for being arseholes because they attacked your opinion when you had attacked theirs.

If someone told me about a child that smeared shit all over the floor and emptied out bins I'd offer them a pack of condoms and a strong drink. I wouldn't get all teary about not having a child. In fact, i think I'd pop the champers and celebrate not having a "Gift from God" that is the Devil's spawn.

And seriously, if your mother-in-law is such a cow that she cannot understand the temperament of a two year old and his creative expression of self then you've got bigger problems than a shitty floor.

Know what I'd do? Clean the kid up, dump him on Grandma and ask her to take him for a walk so I could clean up his mess. Or even better; call Grandma, explain the situation, ask her if she could be a dear and grab something for morning tea and get the brat to help before going to bed.

And as for the "boo boo on my wee wee" example? I'd be more worried how she got it in the first place to give a flying fuck who she offered to show.

So what do they tell those supporting this couple deprived of a gift from God?

Please Don't Say: "This must be the will of God for your life."-
That may be, but if you lost a loved one to death, would
you really want someone to say that to you in your grief?

Please Do Say: "Can I pray with you about this"?

Please Don't Say: "You can always adopt a child"- True, and adoption
is a blessing for a lot of people, but for many women they still feel the
need to bear a child. Consider Proverbs 30:15-16,..."There are three
things that are never satisfied, four that never say, 'enough'!: the grave,
the barren womb, land, which is never satisfied with water, and fire,
which never says, 'Enough!'

Please Do Say: "I will pray for you fervently and ask the Lord to bless
you and give you the desire of your heart".

If someone asks if they can pray with me about this they better hope I'm in Happy Hormone Land at the time. Yep, you can pray for me. Just don't shove your beliefs down my throat at this time.

You can laugh at my Wicca practices as "cute little coping methods", I'll do the same to your need to pray to an imaginary invisible man who, if I believed in him as the Bible describes, would have ordained this as part of his great plan.

Oh, btw, "imaginary invisible man" is a George Carlin quote.

As for the adoption thing? Don't get me started on the impossible nature of adopting locally in Australia and all the hassles of international adoption. Or the cow (yes, I want to use the "other" C word but am restraining myself) who called up a discussion on 774 ABC AM to tell people IVF is the ultimate act of selfishness when so many children need a home.

I would like to eventually foster children though, but then you have the heart ache of giving them back.

I'm going to leave you with a Maya Angelou quote: "I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.”