Fear

This is the worst time. I am so scared that living normally (which is what they tell you to do) will result in the blastocyte not implanting and us having to start all over again yet if I don't continue as *normal* as I can then I'll go insane with worry.

The 2ww sucks: that's two week wait not second world war for those who aren't up on their IVF jargon (and who isn't these days?)

Am I throwing up because of morning sickness? Which is the biggest BS in the history of name calling: if it lasted until midday that would be OK but it persists for me until about 6 in the evening.

Is this merely a side effect that takes about twelve hours to strike, hangs around for 12 hours then vanishes again?

I find myself already seeking out spots because it's easier to have no hope this time then have expectations met rather than to have hope and my heart torn out again.

I want a baby so badly. I see examples of things others would be all"eew, gross" over in children and envy that not being a part of my life.


Sorry, I'm crying again. Fuck! I use this blog to get things out to stop them poisoning me then this shit comes up all over again.

The Boi wants me to be angry at him; seriously, how can I? I love him, even if his balls don't work. Before this I always thought it was me... I mean I'd had a few late cycles which doctors told me were miscarriages (apparently a cycle over a month late is thought to be one. Shrug.) but never an actual pregnancy scare... and trust me if anyone was going to I would.

I'm allergic to condoms and birth control makes me psychotic and paranoid. They have to do a boost cycle with us because stuffing my hormones up the other way sends me over the edge.


All I can think of with this is "all that money we wasted on birth control and pessaries to fight the side effects." I used to pray not to get pregnant (Lil' ol' Pagan me praying to "One God"... think more a general universal plea to who ever was listening while passing through the deo-sphere.)now I would return to church if I thought it would work. Mind you I can no longer be Catholic even if I want to because the way they do IVF makes the blastocytes a life in the eyes of the church and freezing them means I'm murdering those that don't defrost. (Or as one kindly Priest put it; you create life to kill it in the hope that one of the lives you created survives. Wanna know why I no longer go to church? Rant for another time I think. For the record: Not Anti any religious group, just issues with some of the cheer squads.)

The other thing is I hurt my back today to the poin that it hurts to sit for long periods or walk or climb stairs or lift anything. Some of these impact on my ability to work. Anyone elese think the universe is telling me to slow down?

Anyway... at the moment I am scared. I want this to work, I hope this works; but I am so scared that if I have hope than that will be to much and it won't work.

Then what do I do?

Huge hugs to all those other 2ww out there. I hope your all in a better place than this little pink cat is at the moment. (and I hope it contains lots'lots of chocky or foods you like to eat.)

OH! Miss Politics; I'm eating a lot of plain rice crackers and drinking copious ammounts of plain mineral water. I'm keeping an eye out for gluten free crackers as you suggested. Thanks.

Deanna: Good luck, Gorgeous.