False Hopes

Sitting in a crowded classroom. It's a sharing circle, we have to reach deep within ourselves and find three words that describe how we are feeling at the time (which didn't really rhyme, it didn't rhyme overseas which describes how your feeling.... but I digress into TMBG... ).


I can't take this exercise too seriously. It's supposed to allow me to sit better with how I am feeling while I am with a client. Today I know what I should say, but I lie instead. I talk about feeling as if I'm wrapped in the wings of an angel that is comforting me as I deal with emotions from earlier in the day, I say I have a sugar high from what I ate to comfort myself from the emotions I had earlier in the day, and I say I have guilt because I need o get to the gym to work off what I ate earlier to comfort myself. People around me dutifully laugh. It's easier to lie then to let them see that inside I am still crying.


On the due date for the birth of the foetus I miscarried I told the truth. I told them how I wanted to be holding my baby after having given birth. I told of my anger at the situation and my heart break that I was there at that time. I talked about the hope that others realised just how lucky they were to have kids. And I cried.

I also traumatised half the class. Reexploring that was not something I was going to do, not out loud anyway.

Inside I was bleeding today. I know because for another month my cycle has come. Each month I fool myself that if we do the right thing at the right time I WILL BE PREGNANT! and each month I end up in tears as regular as clockwork my cycle comes.

Is it irony that now my cycle is regular due to the IVF? We can predict it to the day.

My uterus felt like my gynaecologist had trained under Jack the Ripper. My heart was in pieces, again. It's amazing how quickly it can heal at times, but it becomes more fragile with each blow.

I wanted to cut off the Boi's scrotum. (It doesn't work properly so why can't I? )
But instead I called him. He was getting his hair cut and told me that I get like this every month. I build up false hopes then am a wreck for the first day. I hate him being right. And when I'm all depressed like that I want to be babied, not given honesty.

Last month it was a fortnight of sex, at least twice a day. We had to stop because he was almost raw ... and trust me my hormones were at a peak so twice a day (marathon sessions or other) was not good enough. I wanted more... more... more... more... more... MORE!!!!!!

This month it was one night of the most mind blowingly sensual sex I have ever experienced. I cried... it was so lovely. I was in such a hieghtend state of arousal that he just had to touch my lower lip ligtly with his tongue and I shivered. The connection I felt to him at that point was closer then any I had ever felt.

Did you know when you orgasm the sperm is driven further into the body giving it a better chance to work? Thats why all the contractions down there. Cool hey?

So you can see where my mind went. Doing it heaps: gotta be a higher chance this way.... nope.... doing it once so that the level of sperm is greater and then orgasming (a lovely bonus which surely couldn't hurt).... nope.

I don't tend to tell the Boi about my hopes in all of this. It scares him a bit when I get my hopes all up like that only to crash when it all proves to be for nothing.

Hey, at least I have three positives from this.

1) Mind blowing orgasms of that standard are rare for any female.
2) Next week we try again at IVF so my cycle should be about right to start a boost cycle.
Um.... Yeah... 3)... I did have one... honest.... oh yeah, the kilo I gained according to the scales yesterday should be gone in about four days.

They migt be long shots but anything is better then no hope at all.