Another night of not being able to sleep.
At least the Boi is at work and cannot see me pace, see me cry, see me struggle to find peace and overcome the emptiness inside.
I used to express myself through varying standards of poetry. Now I've lost that. All I have left is self indulgent guilt and blame.
I'm scared. I know statistically that every year we wait means it's harder, but we're not planning on waiting a year.
I know attempting another cycle during my final semester while we oganise a wedding is also silly. It's the neon BUT thing though.
I want to try to have the baby in the next twelve months. Then I can focus on starting my business and child rearing. We will also know the hours we have to work so I can work agency around the Boi till the business takes off. I cannot be there as a Counsellor if I don't know my availability for clients.
I cannot start my creative design company making cards, candles and soaps until I have a better idea of where I am headed in the next twelve months. I do not want to put things on hold... again... no matter how logical.
And I know waiting is logical.
For as much as my heart breaks everytime I see the crimson tide, it also makes me stronger.
Luna is my Godess of choice, she controls the tides and with it the ebb and flow of life. I know she makes me crazy at times, but I also know that she gives me the strength to continue through adversity. We both have a 28 day cycle. We both have a side that shines and a dark side. We both have power that is not evident at first glance as we allow Sol to shine through brighter and seemingly stronger. Luna watches over the Earth and helps guides Her, I just want to watch over a child and guide them.
The emptiness inside at this time is frustration at not being able to go forward, at being held inplace by circumstances beyond my control. Food and exercise are two things I can control. I do not want to control my own personal Sol, nor do I need to control every aspect of my destiny. It would just be nice to be able to have some control over this..... because once we start it again... all control is in the hands of anothr person.