Four years on...

It turns out I can actually access this still... I lost access years ago when Blogger and Google started playing funny buggers.

So what's been going on? I now have 2 beautiful children, Isobel who is almost 4 and Harrison who is 2... both are ICSI miracles.

We now live in rural Victoria, and are planning on building.

I'm a full time stay at home mother now... so I should update my profile info from: Thirty something approaching parenthood for the first time thanks to the miracle of IVF. I'm also learning that your greatest fear can be overcome if you take it one breath at a time.

I've missed nails...

It's good to have them back.

:o)

Venting to try and stay sane...

This is more of a vent than anything so bear with me...

Mum went to the doctors today, nothing new to report but he has x-rayed her chest due to a persistent cough and given her a referral to a physio about her back.

She's in a mood with me because I lectured, and that's as good a word as any, her about combustion in wheat bags. I even gave her guidelines when she said she'd never heard of them catching on fire; one lot from the NSW fire brigade with the risks outlined. She thinks I'm worrying too much and being over dramatic. *shrug* You can smell the wheat bags through the house the next morning, a sort of burnt bread smell, but she can't smell it so it doesn't exist. It also gives her an excuse to criticise the cats and the smell of food/ trays if we mention smells.

Marie has upset Martha with a letter she sent her about Des. Think the Donna fiasco played out on a "Marie was always more spoilt, she and Lorna should never of said what they did after Leo died, etc" level. All the old jealousies that she has played out in us kids exacerbated by the loss of Des. I'm trying to be patient but don't know how to handle this. The Boi keeps telling me to communicate with her but its like talking to... well, let's be honest... Mum.

I never anticipated this when we talked about the move.

Worst of all is she has started doing over the top displays by purchasing things when the Boi and I try to help in anyway. I got an over priced pair of maternity pyjama's for driving her around for the funeral. I don't know if she's trying to out do The Boi's family or what but it makes me feel very uncomfortable and I wish she'd put the effort into her great grandchildren and grandchildren instead.

Oh! If she mentions the PJ's you can tell her how much I liked them. Except for the colour and the price I do. They are a great deal nicer than the granny nighties she keeps pushing.

Taking her to Spotlight was pointless. Walk in, look at wraps, look at wools and leave. Tut tut over the range of polar fleeces, sniff at the flannelettes and run down the suggestion of making PJ's like we bought after saying how she can copy things but isn't original in ideas. Going to Spotlight was her idea.

Worst of all for me is the side comments about how The Boi and I do things. "I don't want to sound critical but..." starts of the conversation. It's everything from how we prepare veggies, to what we buy, to our driving styles and choices regarding parenthood. I know Pete wants me to listen to her advice and try to meet her part way on things but he's not getting the full impact. It's not just me she's running down now. It's like she knows my two weakest points and is hammering at them. I can't hide in bed or the bath all the time but I'm losing it. And if she uses language that negates herself one more time I think I will.

I'm trying to apply the skills we learnt in the course. I'm trying to be patient. I'm losing me, I'm losing confidence, and I'm losing my happy.

This could all be hormones, it could all be topic, but I'm losing it.

If I cannot be a good daughter how the hell am I ever going to be a decent mother?

DAAS: Misunderstood Hippies

DAAS is one of those "guilty pleasures" that I have hung on to from my Uni days.

The broadband is back and so am I

After a little under 2 months of dial up and no access to computers the Boi and I are now returned to the world of the faster internet connection.

How anyone survives on dial up is beyond me! MSN and hotmail bit more than usual, but Yahoo also failed to live up to the standards I have come to expect from them.

We've left Dodo and gone over to AAPT, following much screwing around until someone asked if the land line was a cable Optus connection. Restoring the old twisted copper line to the house here proved more trouble then expected and resulted in a minor rewiring job.

Talking of here we are slowly settling in and returning to normal. My mother has succeeded in making me feel like I am twelve again and makes many comments that explains years of therapy and undermines my confidence in myself. The Boi is finding this harder to take than I thought. The move isn't the issue, it's seeing someone he normally sees as strong and independent cowed and frightened to be her true self.

Examples: When I get up after 9am due to sleeping poorly as Bub is bouncing on my bladder all night I'm greeted with "It's up!" in a tone that drips with sarcasm and disdain. We'll get in to the whole area of calling a person an "it" another time.

I am criticised for gaining weight (about 5 kg so far) and how I eat. I happen to be five and a half months pregnant but apparently I am gaining weight because I never exercise and eat wrong. I'm also causing irreparable danger to myself and my child by not eating "normal foods." This translates as me being a lacto-ova vegetarian coeliac; akin to Satan worship in her books.

Don't get me wrong. I love my mother and understand on so many levels that this comes from her own inability to cope with change in anyway. BUT do I need to be subservient to my husband? Do I need to have his shirts ironed and meals on the table when he walks in? Should I sacrifice my health and ethics to meet her standards? (Some of which I find archaic to be polite about it.)

Worse of all might be that I don't feel able to grieve in my own fashion. Mum doesn't show emotion. She feels it is a sign of weakness. She doesn't hug or discuss how she feels beyond "I just need time" or a justification of "Just because I don't show things doesn't mean I don't feel them." I am certain I am not the only person out there with a mother like this... I can name at least 6 others ;)... but it's a combination of factors that when taken individually are silly little irrelevancies. Combine them however and I begin to understand how people divorce parents or write them off.

OH! Just in case people are wondering: Pregnancy going well. Baby moving great; if male they definitely could play for the magpies, if female then an interstate team or Geelong. ;p Cravings: Potato, jubes, custard. The photo at the top shows how I've "Popped."

Hugs and thanks to all who've sent messages of love and support.

Thank you

To everyone who's hung in there while I take a break, and especially to all those who've sent messages of support and sympathy on the passing of my Father, I would like top say a huge...

THANK YOU!

It hasn't been easy lately. I find myself crying for "no reason." I'm trying to get it out of my system as best as I can but find what I really want to do is scream at a section of family that have acted abominably through out the past three months... oh, and at my Mum for standing up for them while they continue to treat her in a way I reserve for those who harm children.

I'm scared that if I don't let this out soon the bitterness inside me will eat my baby or harm her in some way. (No, it's not a girl. We're finding out after I squeeze her out. No, it doesn't have to be a girl. I'd be happy with a boy, as long as he's healthy. I just can't use It. I could use Mum's pet name for her, Billie. Would that be better?)

Anyway, on the baby news front: Billie is stretching lots. I know this as the pain is fun. It's not movement as such more a very uncomfortable pain similar to what you get after doing sit ups after not having exercised since leaving school.

I might be off the air for a prolonged time while we finish the move; seems our ISP are pricks that cannot get their heads around the concept of moving a broadband connection to a new number without it being a 3-6 week delay... or something like this. This is the Boi's area.

Anyhow... just wanted to say Thanks.

Huge hugs

Friday the 13th: Lucky for some...

I haven't written for a while due to my father's illness and my own tiredness associated with work, worry and pregnancy. I won't be writing for a while again due to my father's funeral, pregnancy and moving.

On Friday after a short illness my father passed over with my mother, one of my brothers and his family, Peter and myself by his side. Peter was actually outside trying to reach my sister as I saw what was about to happen and wanted her contacted as soon as possible.

I've never really held with death as anything more than a transition from one state to another, and feel the body is a beautifully elaborate vessel for holding the energy known as the soul. When he had stopped breathing I fell straight in to the mode of PCA laying out the body. I checked vitals, pupils and let the RN know. I made sure his teeth were in, and lay him flat, removing extra pillows that might add to the slackness of the jaw and make the funeral parlour's presentation job that bit harder. It was second nature to me.

Not so the brother, a Jehovah's Witness, who thought I was being morbid and did not understand the actions I was taking. Due to this I could not perform one of the last things I wanted to for my father, which was to wash his body and prepare him for the journey to the parlour.

I sat and watched him as long as I could, but said brother's 4 year old daughter kept coming in and I was concerned about how this might impact upon her in later life.

Making those phone calls were the hardest thing I've ever done.

You'd think losing a parent would be among the worst thing that could happen then the family tensions begin.

Mum and I went back to her place after the Doctor signed the certificate (about three hours post mortem.) My sister returned home, as did my JW brother. Middle son had come in, seen the body, left. {I'm skipping bits... sorry... I need to get this out in the order in my head.} Brothers who could not make it that evening were coming to the house the next day. We didn't really know who at the time but the oldest boy would be coming to help with the funeral and this we knew. Mum thought it would be a simple case of OB picking her up and taking her to parlour to sort details.

The Funeral rep came to the house to finalise the prepaid stuff and sort out other details. OB, JW, youngest boy and second son were all there by chance. OB because it was arranged was the only expected one. We didn't know it would be at the house. So, not everyone knew, not everyone was there. Those that bothered to call Mum knew what was happening and made their own decisions. Some just rocked up to be with Mum. Middle son never called.

Today we sorted out burial time, place etc.

Mum called around all the family to confirm and finalise all details. This is when the shit hit the fan.

Her first call was to middle son who had not bothered to call her to see how she was, had snubbed her and other family at the ACF where Dad died, and generally been a prick through out the past 8 weeks under the guise of "...but Dad said..." {I might of ranted at some point about a brother who never visited except at Christmas? Guess who?}

MS's de facto wife answered. I was the other end of the room and I could hear the strips torn from Mum as this cow attacked her for not including MS in the discussion. A discussion, keep in mind, Mum thought was the role of OB only and did not expect (or indeed want) any of the others to be at; myself included. When Mum hung the phone up she was visibly shaken and looked ashen. I thought I would be calling an ambulance to get her some help.

Next, she called SS and left a message as he was asleep due to working nights as a baker in his own business. (SS would like to have catered the after party at the house. He's not happy about this being held at the local Bowls club. My mother has major panic attacks at the thought of family coming home and the floors being dirty so can you imagine her state with about 100 people wandering through the house? )

JW was next on list. JW declined to be a pall bearer. Mum is upset by this. JW also refuses to do reading. Mum fears that JW will not turn up.

OB followed on the call list. He was very supportive and helpful. He might even try to make appointment with priest on Monday; first one to offer though all have had this information passed on.

YB took information in much the same way, but has to work so didn't expect to make the meeting about the service.

I had already called Sis so she was up to date over the whole situation, except the MS reaction.

Mum's shattered but holding it together over the whole situation. I feel like I am on the verge of a collapse emotionally so am at home tonight for a break and some cat time.

If your interested: Announcements in the Hun and the Age.

Palliative Care

The case coordinator for my father has called my mother to set up an appointment for this Friday.

They are talking about transfering him from the Kingston Centre to Bethlehem Hospice as he has deteriorated to a point where they feel that Palliative care is the best option.

Sometimes I hate knowing what I do about ageing and aged care.

*sigh*

Cravings: Consumer Guilt and Left Leaning Biases

I'm an ethical vegetarian. I don't like the thought of any creature dying so that I can eat. I explain it as not eating things that have faces which leads to idiots offering me oysters or scallops.

Lately I have found I am craving the flesh of animals. Worse: The flesh of animals prepared by those ethical animal rights protectionists KFC!

I eat a healthy diet. I work in a physically demanding job. I take Elevit and flax seed oil and folate... all for the baby as well as to maintain my own health. I drink lots of water and eat plenty of proteins; mainly free range eggs (from my mum's neighbour who has chooks, geese and ducks), mushrooms, soy and dairy. I could happily live on fresh fruit and veggies at the moment.

Soup? Curries? Spicy foods? BRING THEM ON!

But still I'm craving KFC.

I try to avoid KFC and McDonald's for ethical reasons. I'll buy Hungry Jacks because my understanding is that they were originally a Western Australian company; they have true Vegan foods and will serve me a "baguette and bun free Veggie Burger" which means a salad with veggie patties and the sauces. Otherwise my "evil food eating" is limited to chips and gravy or chips and a pickled onion from local businesses.

Actually the Boi and I try to buy as much as possible from small companies and not mega corporations; it's our little insignificant (?) protest against the exploitation of people and primary producers. You know; the ones who grow the foods and pick them?

We shop for our coffee through a Fair Trade supplier, same with our tea and chocolate.

Our green groceries are from a little grocers in Croydon, or an organics store in Heathmont.

Most of our grains come from a wholesale provider; they have a wide variety of dries fruits, nuts, flour, pastas, legumes and the like; only no rice and I can get that at the organics store in Heathmont.

We buy "Earth" brand products to minimise our footprints and are exploring biodegradable and cloth nappies for our baby. In fact we only really go to supermarkets for Milk, Cheese and GF Bread. (OK, and junk foods like mineral water and Coke, and YES I know how hypocritical that is.)

One day we will grow our own food, have our own chooks, be as self sufficient as possible; make our own bread (once I figure out the balance so we get a nice GF loaf and not a house brick of dough) live what my family calls the "Left leaning delusional greeny" life. (My mother says I was always like this, at 6 I was running away to join a commune and be a Hippie.)

I try not to force my views on others; what you do with your body is your choice; you decide the depths of your footprint.

So; why the hell am I craving the flesh of an innocent creature that had no life to begin with grown in minuscule cages, force fed steroids then sent to an organisation that changed there name to distract from the F meaning Fried.

OK... rant over... feel a little better but still want to eat death.

Butter Mushroom for tea tonight might help. Tofu for lunch with steamed veggies.

Song lyrics and mortality: the cyclic nature of being.

My father is reaching a point in which he is starting to not recognise those around him. When we visit he holds my hand and squeezes my fingers so tight I fear they may break, but I'd rather broken fingers than the broken heart I carry inside me as I watch him die.

They're using a Blood, Sweat and Tears song on Medium tonight. You know the one:

I'm not scared of dying
And I, don't really care
If it' s peace you find in dying
Well then, let the time be near

It continues in the chorus with:

And when I die, and when I'm gone
There'll be, one child born
In this world
To carry on, to carry on 

Pretty much my view on death and dying in one song.

I'm not afraid of my own mortality, I doubt I ever have been.

I'm missing the man my father was already. He has been my anchor for so long that now, even with the support and love of the Boi I feel adrift. Little things I could always talk to my Dad about I cannot talk to him about anymore . He will never be able to assuage my fears about the pregnancy or what life will be like without him in it.

I know you only get handed as much as you can handle but I don't think I can handle anymore.

Still here after all these tears...

My father's health continues to decline.

My stress levels in dealing with family continue to increase.

The Boi and my Mother worrying over my stress levels is exacerbating the whole thing. (Dad is the important one.)

Our grain of rice is going strong and causing much nausea.


I am feeling more alone and isolated than I can explain.

I now understand why people become shut ins.

Hugs

...and as the tumble weed rolls past...

OK: so I've been a little quiet lately.

I have reasons.

Good ones.

Like Morning sickness lasts most of the day and lying down helps more than staring at a computer screen.

Or I didn't know how to describe the contrast in news lately and not sound bitter about what it means.

Lets start with some good news.

Baby's heartbeat was 140 at the ultrasound on Monday. :)

I'm going to be a grand aunt again before I am a mum... two weeks before in fact. :)

I'm getting lots of work, have caught up on two seasons of "West Wing", am eating some great curries and have figured out a way around the finances associated with "Baby means not working." :)

All good things.

My father has a brain tumour, probably won't live long enough to meet my child, is going to have to be admitted to a nursing home as we will not be able to care for him at home (even though this is his wish) and the Boi and I will be moving in to help my Mother cope with all the crap that is going on. :(

All bad things; sort of...

My Father dying is one of my biggest fears. My child/ren not knowing their grandparents ranks right alongside that.

Moving home to my parents place helps us financially and me emotionally as I can at least help, but Dad not being there is breaking my heart. I don't know how my Mum is coping. I think she's more concerned about being alone though as she likes the idea of the Boi and I moving in and has agreed to cats moving with us... well... cat. :(

I've always felt that a life goes in a family and another replaces it. My Dad is such a huge figure it's going to take three babies to replace him. Huge as in amazing and all things positive not huge as in obese.

So anyway. If people don't hear from me it's because I'm busy, moving, pregnant, grieving, numb, crying, vomiting, working, vague and slowly collapsing in to an emotional mess.

Warning people: this may result in some Vorgon quality poetry.

Meanwhile: I expect Mr Bolt to jump on the announcement from the US that Gore's electricity bill is high and he hasn't implemented what he preaches... anyone else think that this is a preemptive strike against Gore in relation to the US elections? Me thinks the Republicans are getting worried. (Moving home means more exposure to the HUN; my parents buy it while the Boi and I are Age readers. Expect some ill informed rants about the quality of journalism as a way of venting emotions that are easier to handle if ignored short term than confronted.)

Did any of that make sense?

If your interested photos related to IVF they are posted over at Crayons out of respect for those that don't want to see that type of things.

For people with my number who read this the phone is metaphorically off the hook till I can cope. Please, don't take offense. I just need a bit more time. It's only been a fortnight and all the news keeps getting progressively worse. I'm also making lots of immediate family calls so the phone is becoming the enemy.

Stats and craves.

OK! for all you statistic junkies out there: a quick fix!

Progesterone is at 167; HcG or "the pregnancy hormone" is at 4380.

As the nurse said "You are most definitely pregnant."

My concern at the moment is that I seem to already be having cravings, I just want to live on spicy foods (which cannot help prevent the morning sickness).

If it was dairy I'd think I was low in calcium; chocolate and sugary foods mean that your iron levels are out; but spicy foods?

One site I read suggested that the foods are what the child craves and have nothing to do with nutritional deficiencies. So bubs wants me to live on chillies, Thai, Indian and Mexican? Thats cool. I've even purchased a hot chilli sauce for dipping things in: no longer plain old tomato sauce on chips for this pink duck!

If I was craving meat I'd sought of get it... I'm vegetarian so i'd think it was protein and just up my tofu and mushroom content.

My concern is what it means. Will this subside or will the Boi have to get used to curry and spice every night? When do the really funky craves kick in? (You know the ones... gherkins and icecream; potting mix {iron levels apparently explain this one too}. )

My mother still cannot have milk in her tea, a hangover from morning sickness that has lasted over 32 years! She laughs at the concept of cravings but assured me last time (miscarriage at 8 weeks) that the baby will definitely tell you what it doesn't want. She also told the Boi to make sure I got a cup of tea in bed each morning before I got up to help with the nausea. I stll cannot work out if that was just her excuse for a cuppa or if it's good advice. She had 7 kids so I'm not arguing too much with her advice.... yet.

I do like having cravings; I never had them of morning sickness to this extent during the last one so i take them as good signs. I just wish I was less hungry. I know my body is using more energy and I am going down weight wise (could be work contributing to this too) but I am constantly looking for a snack.

So what do people think? Does it mean something? Nothing? Any weird craves? Any craves at all?

Oh... and what is the deal with sushi? Is it the fish or the seaweed you're suppsoed to avoid? *Sigh, I miss my Japanese food.*

just a quick note

Thank you to all those who've given me support and congratulations over the past week.

We have another blood test tommorow so I'll try to get the numbers for the "statistics junkies" out there.

I'm busy with work, morning sickness and just general living.

When I have some energy I'll post for real.

Hugs to everyone.

Results

BFP

I can hear him snoring from here; the other end of the house

The Boi is asleep, he should be. He's worked hard all day while I've just tried to distract myself at home.

I cannot sleep. I don't think its the lack of doing anything today: I caught up on dishes, clothes, bathroom, vacuuming, surface wipe downs and reorganised the crap in the lounge and kitchen; designed two basic invite/ card options and finished 60 thank you cards; and caught up on all my correspondence; and did some cooking. So I think it could be safely said I did stuff today.

I only have two rooms to sort through and organise and the house is perfect.

I cannot sleep because the outcome of tommorow haunts me.

If it's positive will it last? Can we afford a baby? How good at parenting will we be? What if it's the dreaded BFN monster? What are all the drugs doing to my body?

And there you have it; what's keeping me awake.

If I'm not pregnant maybe every little smell won't make me dry wretch, maybe the slightest noise won't drive me nuts, and all those lovely little habits of his can go back to being mildly annoying not the lead reason in my defence for murder.

But if I'm not everything else gets shed with the light of perspective. (I know most of this rant may well be nerves and hormones but it doesn't excuse that I feel like I am being Queen B at the moment for what, in big picture terms, is BS.)

OH FUCK! I hope I am pregnant. I know I'll be a good mum. The Boi will rock as a dad. I HAVE HOPE!!!!!

Godess Luna, as you watch over us in your beauty, help me to cope with this change in tide. Help me to embrace that which the Universe feels I can handle, and to accept that whatever the outcome is, it's not a punishment. As you embrace me through the window know I love you. Please help this life to grow. Please help this heart to heal.

8 hours to the blood test.

And a quote from Rimmer that about covers it:

"Listy, Listy, is that a small sewage plant you're carrying in your trousers or do I detect you're a tad nervous?"

Gods! I love Red Dwarf.

Out! Out! Damn Spot!

This post goes in to way to much detail: If squirmish don't read.

I've been spotting. This could mean nothing and it could mean that by Wednesday the blood test will be a futile search for nothingness while I lose even more blood.

It's not really spotting though: so I'm putting it out to all those on crinone: did you spot? Did you have a dark red discharge? (Like a dark red thrush in apperance.)

The first time we used crinone it impacted upon my gall bladder and my cycle came early.

The next time they implanted we used the pessaries. (Gosh! Aren't they fun! Any woman who has ever comlpained about sperm dribbling down her thigh should try the pesaries for a week. They melt in your hand, require you to lie down for 10 minutes post use, and leave a waxy/ oily residue on your clothing. ) Which went well as we held on until week 6.

Dr Downing suggested we use the crinone again this time. No gall bladder pain! We do however have this discharge.

So: if anyone has experienced this can they settle my nerves, and tell me what they know.

I've searched but gotten no real information, and Epworth IVF is shut till tommorow when I am working.

Thanks.

Only 5 more sleeps till the blood test...

... and as the time grows closer my nerves string them selves ever thinner.

Little things make me jump; like the Boi commenting on discharge when helping with the crinone gel. Or a fleck of dark lint on the gusset of white undies.

I accept that all 2ww people go through variations on this theme.

It's either every little thing is a sign it's going ahead or that it's not going to ever happen.

Paranoia's increase. The warmer the temperature the more panicked I become about the heat regulation thingy. If I'm cleaning in a warm moist environment then I am convinced I am dooming the cycle before it has a chance.

Skipping a meal: eating later than usual: forgetting the elevit: are all death sentences that I am inflicting upon this little life that may or may not be inside of me. (It doesn't help that Coca Cola is helping me better than most things as a tummy tonic, all that caffeine, all those conflicting reports about it's impact on foetuses.)

The Boi is pretty good in coping with my swings but he can't always be there; and that's when the little voices of doubt are the loudest.

That's when I feel myself reaching for the Kettle Chilli Chips and pigging out.

So; only 5 more sleeps. Thank goodness I'm working the next three days and have distractions organised for Tuesday. Wednesday I am buying a new online game as a consolation/celebration gift for myself.

On a lighter note: the Boi has posted a very funny (imho) post about how he's coping. It's not all laughs some of it's d&m stuff. But the final line had me in tears I was laughing so hard.

Females with male partners who are infertile might enjoy this perspective, especially the last line.

Thanks for all the continuing support.

Things that others could do...

We are keeping this cycle low profile. I'm using Crayons as a way to get out what I'd normally be blabbing to anyone in ear shot. One reason for this is the awkwardness that occurs when others have done something they feel is "thoughtful and a help" when things are going badly or through what I'd like to think of as them "Just not thinking".

Things others could not do:

Buy baby clothes as a surprise for a couple in their first trimester. This goes for the following also:

* How to books

* Cute toys designed for babies.

* Kids music and movies designed solely for kids; so Hi 5, BoohBah, The Wiggles (no matter how cute Captain Feathersword is.) or the like.

* Nursery supplies, inc. furniture.

* Basically anything that is designed for "Post baby life".

* If you're not genuinely happy about the baby or the journey to get to baby status. Be honest but be nice. Say "I know it's what you want but i don't want a blow by blow description of the ObGyn." or " I'm not a big fan of kids. I wish you luck but I may not be around as much as I am now."
OK, yes, you'll get called names but people will know where you stand. It doesn't mean you are being any less supportive, just that you're priorities are different to the expecting couple. (And if you've had tmi in the face of a polite request hire Alien, watch it with them and keep repeating "I hear that's really what child birth is like."
Don't comment on how you think the couple will do as parents. Don't snap at every bit of new baby news the couple share with you, especially if it's an announcement while the couple, or single, are struggling through with the failure of a step in the process.)

* Don't offer every piece of advice you've encountered during the process either you, family or a friend went through. I don't want to be paranoid about every little bite I take. I don't want to be lectured on how if I "relax it will happen without IVF." (Yep, gonna happen, if I relax the Boi's nuts will work right. *shrug*)

* Don't give pictures of your kids as presents to IF couples. This is just rubbing it in. (OK, so that's not really fair, but hey! If I cry at the puppies in the toilet paper ad...)

If you do this it means:

* You value my uterus more than you value me.

* You can bear the full brunt of resentment when things go badly, eg. Miscarriage in first trimester.

* You have no right to feel hurt if the reaction to these gifts is a resounding "I am not taking these!!!" followed by unending tears. (Especially if the pregnant person has been spotting for four weeks, is more stressed out than a monkey on crack and is so tired that sleep is a distant memory. You don't know what is driving the reaction, it is most probably not about you. No. Honestly. Not everything is. You only get a small glimpse of what is going on. Sometimes the best laid plans are salt in a paper cut, sometimes they are a machete to the heart. )

You could instead:

* Buy books that the pregnant person would love to read, books that they wouldn't get themselves that you think they might like, books by their favourite author. (Not Kaz Cooke's Up The Duff. If people want guides let them buy them themselves.)

* Help them out around the house; especially if both are working. This is not an open invite to reorganise the house and throw out all those things you never liked. It's you offering nicely to vacuum and wash floors, or mow lawns.

* Pamper days: massages, day spas, waxing vouchers, manicures, pedicures. Things that focus on the expectant mum relaxing and feeling like they are more than a Pod for the Triffid to escape from.

* Cook their fave foods; Take them shopping so they don't need to carry heavy bags; give vouchers for dinner for two or take out on nights they are working late.

* Ask them what they would like.

Everyone reacts differently to a situation. Some optimists with strong recovery powers may appreciate baby grow suits during the 2ww. I personally would be using them as handkerchiefs and burning them if things went wrong.

Mainly; be supportive with out putting on pressure (which you may not realise you are doing, so tread gentle. Good rule of thumb, don't sign off messages as "Grandma" or "Pop" or address them to "Mum" or "Dad" until you've held the baby for the first time.)

OH! and definitely offer to pay for the over priced to die for maternity top that has your D/IL in tears in the shop. Good move and you'll win automatic "You can be in the room if you like for the birth" status. ;p (Just kidding!)

But I would like:

IVF Blog titles...

Before deciding to publish and be damned here our journey through the latest rounds of IVF I gave some thought to beginning another journal, purely for the purposes of documenting the IVF journey and not having reminders everyday if things went bad.

I considered the possible names I could use...

Black Fingernails, Red Cells

My Life As A Battery Hen

Ziggy Stardust and The Spiders From Ma

INCONCEIVABLE! (I don't think that means what you think it means.) [With pictures and quotes throughout from Princess Bride.]

Crossing Fingers Uncrossing Legs [The advice my mother gave us when we told her of the problems we we're having.]

Infertile Soil

Some of my faves had been taken...

Pin Cushion Diaries

Journey To The Center Of The Egg

Womb With A View


In the end I decided that Cordial was always supposed to be about where I am now and things that grab my interests. Crayons is ffor meme's and creative rants and expression; soon as I figure out how to capture the pictures I've painted in the best light that will also have my creative expression of IVF and frustrations.

Both should be able to contain all the hopes, fears and dreams tha one heart struggles to encapsulate.

Really? I'd only start another blog for this if the Boi was co-writing so taht people got a balanced perspective of the process. I might ask him to post a full explanation of why we need IVF; seeing as it's his nuts that are broken.

In the meantime I'm happy with my decision.

Now I really should go do some housework.

Signs and symptoms: or, I have a day off and no energy to move.

Out of desperation to better understand what is going on in my body I thought I'd look up morning sickness. I mean if it is psycho somatic than I should only have nausea and breast tenderness, if it's real I might have a few more things... so I entered Morning Sickness in google.

First result: http://www.morningsicknesshelp.com/

First tab of interest in this: Pregnancy Smptoms.

Lets see which ones I have so I can obsess even more. (This sentence is followed by either a maniacal laugh or a journey through the round window.)

• Missed period or a period with less bleeding than normal
  
• Yes, but that could be all th hormones that are floating around inmy system that mean I am late... by about three days... so I'm not going to take this one to heart.
  
  
• Backaches
• YES, really severe to point of having trouble with movement. Seeing as I am not clear how I hurt my back yesterday, twisted to pick up something behind me but in the past this has been alleviated after a hot shower and some rest. Not this time. So, I'm claiming this one.
  
  
• Constipation
  This symptom is caused by hormone changes, and the growing uterus pressing against the bowel.
• I brought a bottle of prune juice, does that count as tmi?
  
  
• Darkening of areola (breast nipple)
  This can be one of the first symptoms which can appear as early as one week after conception and then throughout pregnancy.
• Nope
  
  
• Excessive salivation
• Yes, but then the salivary glands trigger is very close to the place in the brain for nausea. So I don't know.
  
  
• Exhaustion or feeling sleepy
  Can occur one to six weeks after conception and last your entire pregnancy.
• Yes.
  
  
• Food cravings
• Yes
  
  
• Frequent urination
  You may see this symptom six to eight weeks after conception and it will be with you for your entire pregnancy. This is caused by hormone changes and growing pressure on the bladder.
• Yes
  
  
• Headaches
• Yes, but I can explain this away.
  
  
• Increased sense of smell
• Yes, but I thought that was because i am no longer stuffing syneral up my nose.
  
  
• Lower abdominal cramps
• Check
  
  
• Nausea and vomiting
  This symptom usually shows up two to ten weeks after conception. The degree in which you feel sick varies from none to full fledged vomiting. The terminology for this nausea is "morning sickness" by can happen at any time of the day. Hormone changes in your body cause this symptom.
  
• Check
  
  
• Tender or swollen breasts
  This symptom is one that can appear rather quickly after fertilization - one to two weeks after conception and will most likely be with you your entire pregnancy.
• Check

Ok, so by this list I am pregnant. Somehow I think there may be more to these very general symptoms and they could all be explained away if I really wanted to.

Did you know women who experience morning sickness have less chance of a miscarriage?

The remedies tab at this site is good, except that my craves are for spicy foods and it advises avoidance as they can exacerbate the nausea.

Most of the other sites in the top ten say to seperate liquids and solids, maintain your B6 and drink ginger tea. All good advice. They all recommend dry plain crackers and cereals too.

For more information try:

http://health.ninemsn.com.au/article.aspx?id=96176

http://www.babycenter.com/pregnancy/morningsickness/index

http://www.betterhealth.vic.gov.au/bhcv2/bhcarticles.nsf/pages/Morning_sickness?OpenDocument=

OK, I'm going to try and get a few things done before I have my volunteer work this afternoon.

Hugs out to Deanna.