We're returning to IVF after taking a year off so that we could get life back on track after the miscarriage. We used the time well, I finished my Counselling course, we got married and have started exploring options for home based businesses so i can be an at home mum.
It hasn't been an easy twelve months. It was this time last year I had pretty much everything; a job I enjoyed that looked like I'd be able to pick up a few more nights, first trimester of pregnancy, my course was going well, we were in a good spot to buy a property. It couldn't of been much better.
Then the spotting started and my hormone levels dropped, we miscarried. I took time of work to come to terms with the miscarriage, on return it was alleged I had given milk to a lactose intolerant resident and therefore wasn't "reading care plans properly" and I was fired. Over the phone actually, at the time I was to be undergoing a D&C if the flow of blood hadn't started.
I started to fear that everything would go wrong so some of my marks in the first semester for the 2nd year of the course reflect that. I resumed journalling to sort my thoughts out a little more. I couldn't find "Felice's Place" to continue and didn't want to just use my live journal for releasing disappointment and hurts at this time. (Felice; Spanish for happiness, cat in Ira Levin's novel Slivers and also feminine form of Felix.) I wanted a place I could be as daggy and untogether as I could but feel safe in doing that.
As is me, I give too much information so anonymity is not something I was expecting. I like to support people and don't like sites dedicated to the denigration of others, so I stood up for someone who had made a genuine mistake and have been attacked in my little self indulgent haven... it felt like nothing could get worse.
My father getting worse (he's 81 and health issues are a big thing), his remaining siblings in palliative stages of cancer and emphysema, added a new dimension to emotional lows. The Boi's Pop (91) bouncing back and forth from ACF to hospital with increasingly worse lung conditions compounded the hurts.
It wasn't all bad; babies were born, the Boi proposed, we went to some great concerts and new friendships moved from strength to strength, and I slowly grew stronger in myself. I rediscovered my love of politics and why I ran in the first place, and dedicated myself to learning more for the next attempt.
I learnt to let go of the pains that kept me awake at night and started to channel emotions into creativity again. I rediscovered my artistic side and my poetic voice, my ways to express myself without the reworkings of others. Some of the pieces are flawed but over all I'm happy with the results. Stream of consciousness vents that have appeared in crayons are more flawed then some other pieces.
So now we are returning to IVF; in a month to be exact. I don't know how I feel about this. I'm excited but scared. Will the hormonal emotion and weight cycle begin over? Will my left ovary be easier to see? Will we be attacked by the Christian Right again because we want a child? Will we have enough eggs? Will they take?
Scared? Yes. Hopeful? Very Yes.