Still here after all these tears...

My father's health continues to decline.

My stress levels in dealing with family continue to increase.

The Boi and my Mother worrying over my stress levels is exacerbating the whole thing. (Dad is the important one.)

Our grain of rice is going strong and causing much nausea.


I am feeling more alone and isolated than I can explain.

I now understand why people become shut ins.

Hugs

...and as the tumble weed rolls past...

OK: so I've been a little quiet lately.

I have reasons.

Good ones.

Like Morning sickness lasts most of the day and lying down helps more than staring at a computer screen.

Or I didn't know how to describe the contrast in news lately and not sound bitter about what it means.

Lets start with some good news.

Baby's heartbeat was 140 at the ultrasound on Monday. :)

I'm going to be a grand aunt again before I am a mum... two weeks before in fact. :)

I'm getting lots of work, have caught up on two seasons of "West Wing", am eating some great curries and have figured out a way around the finances associated with "Baby means not working." :)

All good things.

My father has a brain tumour, probably won't live long enough to meet my child, is going to have to be admitted to a nursing home as we will not be able to care for him at home (even though this is his wish) and the Boi and I will be moving in to help my Mother cope with all the crap that is going on. :(

All bad things; sort of...

My Father dying is one of my biggest fears. My child/ren not knowing their grandparents ranks right alongside that.

Moving home to my parents place helps us financially and me emotionally as I can at least help, but Dad not being there is breaking my heart. I don't know how my Mum is coping. I think she's more concerned about being alone though as she likes the idea of the Boi and I moving in and has agreed to cats moving with us... well... cat. :(

I've always felt that a life goes in a family and another replaces it. My Dad is such a huge figure it's going to take three babies to replace him. Huge as in amazing and all things positive not huge as in obese.

So anyway. If people don't hear from me it's because I'm busy, moving, pregnant, grieving, numb, crying, vomiting, working, vague and slowly collapsing in to an emotional mess.

Warning people: this may result in some Vorgon quality poetry.

Meanwhile: I expect Mr Bolt to jump on the announcement from the US that Gore's electricity bill is high and he hasn't implemented what he preaches... anyone else think that this is a preemptive strike against Gore in relation to the US elections? Me thinks the Republicans are getting worried. (Moving home means more exposure to the HUN; my parents buy it while the Boi and I are Age readers. Expect some ill informed rants about the quality of journalism as a way of venting emotions that are easier to handle if ignored short term than confronted.)

Did any of that make sense?

If your interested photos related to IVF they are posted over at Crayons out of respect for those that don't want to see that type of things.

For people with my number who read this the phone is metaphorically off the hook till I can cope. Please, don't take offense. I just need a bit more time. It's only been a fortnight and all the news keeps getting progressively worse. I'm also making lots of immediate family calls so the phone is becoming the enemy.

Stats and craves.

OK! for all you statistic junkies out there: a quick fix!

Progesterone is at 167; HcG or "the pregnancy hormone" is at 4380.

As the nurse said "You are most definitely pregnant."

My concern at the moment is that I seem to already be having cravings, I just want to live on spicy foods (which cannot help prevent the morning sickness).

If it was dairy I'd think I was low in calcium; chocolate and sugary foods mean that your iron levels are out; but spicy foods?

One site I read suggested that the foods are what the child craves and have nothing to do with nutritional deficiencies. So bubs wants me to live on chillies, Thai, Indian and Mexican? Thats cool. I've even purchased a hot chilli sauce for dipping things in: no longer plain old tomato sauce on chips for this pink duck!

If I was craving meat I'd sought of get it... I'm vegetarian so i'd think it was protein and just up my tofu and mushroom content.

My concern is what it means. Will this subside or will the Boi have to get used to curry and spice every night? When do the really funky craves kick in? (You know the ones... gherkins and icecream; potting mix {iron levels apparently explain this one too}. )

My mother still cannot have milk in her tea, a hangover from morning sickness that has lasted over 32 years! She laughs at the concept of cravings but assured me last time (miscarriage at 8 weeks) that the baby will definitely tell you what it doesn't want. She also told the Boi to make sure I got a cup of tea in bed each morning before I got up to help with the nausea. I stll cannot work out if that was just her excuse for a cuppa or if it's good advice. She had 7 kids so I'm not arguing too much with her advice.... yet.

I do like having cravings; I never had them of morning sickness to this extent during the last one so i take them as good signs. I just wish I was less hungry. I know my body is using more energy and I am going down weight wise (could be work contributing to this too) but I am constantly looking for a snack.

So what do people think? Does it mean something? Nothing? Any weird craves? Any craves at all?

Oh... and what is the deal with sushi? Is it the fish or the seaweed you're suppsoed to avoid? *Sigh, I miss my Japanese food.*

I can hear him snoring from here; the other end of the house

The Boi is asleep, he should be. He's worked hard all day while I've just tried to distract myself at home.

I cannot sleep. I don't think its the lack of doing anything today: I caught up on dishes, clothes, bathroom, vacuuming, surface wipe downs and reorganised the crap in the lounge and kitchen; designed two basic invite/ card options and finished 60 thank you cards; and caught up on all my correspondence; and did some cooking. So I think it could be safely said I did stuff today.

I only have two rooms to sort through and organise and the house is perfect.

I cannot sleep because the outcome of tommorow haunts me.

If it's positive will it last? Can we afford a baby? How good at parenting will we be? What if it's the dreaded BFN monster? What are all the drugs doing to my body?

And there you have it; what's keeping me awake.

If I'm not pregnant maybe every little smell won't make me dry wretch, maybe the slightest noise won't drive me nuts, and all those lovely little habits of his can go back to being mildly annoying not the lead reason in my defence for murder.

But if I'm not everything else gets shed with the light of perspective. (I know most of this rant may well be nerves and hormones but it doesn't excuse that I feel like I am being Queen B at the moment for what, in big picture terms, is BS.)

OH FUCK! I hope I am pregnant. I know I'll be a good mum. The Boi will rock as a dad. I HAVE HOPE!!!!!

Godess Luna, as you watch over us in your beauty, help me to cope with this change in tide. Help me to embrace that which the Universe feels I can handle, and to accept that whatever the outcome is, it's not a punishment. As you embrace me through the window know I love you. Please help this life to grow. Please help this heart to heal.

8 hours to the blood test.

And a quote from Rimmer that about covers it:

"Listy, Listy, is that a small sewage plant you're carrying in your trousers or do I detect you're a tad nervous?"

Gods! I love Red Dwarf.

Out! Out! Damn Spot!

This post goes in to way to much detail: If squirmish don't read.

I've been spotting. This could mean nothing and it could mean that by Wednesday the blood test will be a futile search for nothingness while I lose even more blood.

It's not really spotting though: so I'm putting it out to all those on crinone: did you spot? Did you have a dark red discharge? (Like a dark red thrush in apperance.)

The first time we used crinone it impacted upon my gall bladder and my cycle came early.

The next time they implanted we used the pessaries. (Gosh! Aren't they fun! Any woman who has ever comlpained about sperm dribbling down her thigh should try the pesaries for a week. They melt in your hand, require you to lie down for 10 minutes post use, and leave a waxy/ oily residue on your clothing. ) Which went well as we held on until week 6.

Dr Downing suggested we use the crinone again this time. No gall bladder pain! We do however have this discharge.

So: if anyone has experienced this can they settle my nerves, and tell me what they know.

I've searched but gotten no real information, and Epworth IVF is shut till tommorow when I am working.

Thanks.

Only 5 more sleeps till the blood test...

... and as the time grows closer my nerves string them selves ever thinner.

Little things make me jump; like the Boi commenting on discharge when helping with the crinone gel. Or a fleck of dark lint on the gusset of white undies.

I accept that all 2ww people go through variations on this theme.

It's either every little thing is a sign it's going ahead or that it's not going to ever happen.

Paranoia's increase. The warmer the temperature the more panicked I become about the heat regulation thingy. If I'm cleaning in a warm moist environment then I am convinced I am dooming the cycle before it has a chance.

Skipping a meal: eating later than usual: forgetting the elevit: are all death sentences that I am inflicting upon this little life that may or may not be inside of me. (It doesn't help that Coca Cola is helping me better than most things as a tummy tonic, all that caffeine, all those conflicting reports about it's impact on foetuses.)

The Boi is pretty good in coping with my swings but he can't always be there; and that's when the little voices of doubt are the loudest.

That's when I feel myself reaching for the Kettle Chilli Chips and pigging out.

So; only 5 more sleeps. Thank goodness I'm working the next three days and have distractions organised for Tuesday. Wednesday I am buying a new online game as a consolation/celebration gift for myself.

On a lighter note: the Boi has posted a very funny (imho) post about how he's coping. It's not all laughs some of it's d&m stuff. But the final line had me in tears I was laughing so hard.

Females with male partners who are infertile might enjoy this perspective, especially the last line.

Thanks for all the continuing support.

Things that others could do...

We are keeping this cycle low profile. I'm using Crayons as a way to get out what I'd normally be blabbing to anyone in ear shot. One reason for this is the awkwardness that occurs when others have done something they feel is "thoughtful and a help" when things are going badly or through what I'd like to think of as them "Just not thinking".

Things others could not do:

Buy baby clothes as a surprise for a couple in their first trimester. This goes for the following also:

* How to books

* Cute toys designed for babies.

* Kids music and movies designed solely for kids; so Hi 5, BoohBah, The Wiggles (no matter how cute Captain Feathersword is.) or the like.

* Nursery supplies, inc. furniture.

* Basically anything that is designed for "Post baby life".

* If you're not genuinely happy about the baby or the journey to get to baby status. Be honest but be nice. Say "I know it's what you want but i don't want a blow by blow description of the ObGyn." or " I'm not a big fan of kids. I wish you luck but I may not be around as much as I am now."
OK, yes, you'll get called names but people will know where you stand. It doesn't mean you are being any less supportive, just that you're priorities are different to the expecting couple. (And if you've had tmi in the face of a polite request hire Alien, watch it with them and keep repeating "I hear that's really what child birth is like."
Don't comment on how you think the couple will do as parents. Don't snap at every bit of new baby news the couple share with you, especially if it's an announcement while the couple, or single, are struggling through with the failure of a step in the process.)

* Don't offer every piece of advice you've encountered during the process either you, family or a friend went through. I don't want to be paranoid about every little bite I take. I don't want to be lectured on how if I "relax it will happen without IVF." (Yep, gonna happen, if I relax the Boi's nuts will work right. *shrug*)

* Don't give pictures of your kids as presents to IF couples. This is just rubbing it in. (OK, so that's not really fair, but hey! If I cry at the puppies in the toilet paper ad...)

If you do this it means:

* You value my uterus more than you value me.

* You can bear the full brunt of resentment when things go badly, eg. Miscarriage in first trimester.

* You have no right to feel hurt if the reaction to these gifts is a resounding "I am not taking these!!!" followed by unending tears. (Especially if the pregnant person has been spotting for four weeks, is more stressed out than a monkey on crack and is so tired that sleep is a distant memory. You don't know what is driving the reaction, it is most probably not about you. No. Honestly. Not everything is. You only get a small glimpse of what is going on. Sometimes the best laid plans are salt in a paper cut, sometimes they are a machete to the heart. )

You could instead:

* Buy books that the pregnant person would love to read, books that they wouldn't get themselves that you think they might like, books by their favourite author. (Not Kaz Cooke's Up The Duff. If people want guides let them buy them themselves.)

* Help them out around the house; especially if both are working. This is not an open invite to reorganise the house and throw out all those things you never liked. It's you offering nicely to vacuum and wash floors, or mow lawns.

* Pamper days: massages, day spas, waxing vouchers, manicures, pedicures. Things that focus on the expectant mum relaxing and feeling like they are more than a Pod for the Triffid to escape from.

* Cook their fave foods; Take them shopping so they don't need to carry heavy bags; give vouchers for dinner for two or take out on nights they are working late.

* Ask them what they would like.

Everyone reacts differently to a situation. Some optimists with strong recovery powers may appreciate baby grow suits during the 2ww. I personally would be using them as handkerchiefs and burning them if things went wrong.

Mainly; be supportive with out putting on pressure (which you may not realise you are doing, so tread gentle. Good rule of thumb, don't sign off messages as "Grandma" or "Pop" or address them to "Mum" or "Dad" until you've held the baby for the first time.)

OH! and definitely offer to pay for the over priced to die for maternity top that has your D/IL in tears in the shop. Good move and you'll win automatic "You can be in the room if you like for the birth" status. ;p (Just kidding!)

But I would like:

IVF Blog titles...

Before deciding to publish and be damned here our journey through the latest rounds of IVF I gave some thought to beginning another journal, purely for the purposes of documenting the IVF journey and not having reminders everyday if things went bad.

I considered the possible names I could use...

Black Fingernails, Red Cells

My Life As A Battery Hen

Ziggy Stardust and The Spiders From Ma

INCONCEIVABLE! (I don't think that means what you think it means.) [With pictures and quotes throughout from Princess Bride.]

Crossing Fingers Uncrossing Legs [The advice my mother gave us when we told her of the problems we we're having.]

Infertile Soil

Some of my faves had been taken...

Pin Cushion Diaries

Journey To The Center Of The Egg

Womb With A View


In the end I decided that Cordial was always supposed to be about where I am now and things that grab my interests. Crayons is ffor meme's and creative rants and expression; soon as I figure out how to capture the pictures I've painted in the best light that will also have my creative expression of IVF and frustrations.

Both should be able to contain all the hopes, fears and dreams tha one heart struggles to encapsulate.

Really? I'd only start another blog for this if the Boi was co-writing so taht people got a balanced perspective of the process. I might ask him to post a full explanation of why we need IVF; seeing as it's his nuts that are broken.

In the meantime I'm happy with my decision.

Now I really should go do some housework.

Signs and symptoms: or, I have a day off and no energy to move.

Out of desperation to better understand what is going on in my body I thought I'd look up morning sickness. I mean if it is psycho somatic than I should only have nausea and breast tenderness, if it's real I might have a few more things... so I entered Morning Sickness in google.

First result: http://www.morningsicknesshelp.com/

First tab of interest in this: Pregnancy Smptoms.

Lets see which ones I have so I can obsess even more. (This sentence is followed by either a maniacal laugh or a journey through the round window.)

• Missed period or a period with less bleeding than normal
  
• Yes, but that could be all th hormones that are floating around inmy system that mean I am late... by about three days... so I'm not going to take this one to heart.
  
  
• Backaches
• YES, really severe to point of having trouble with movement. Seeing as I am not clear how I hurt my back yesterday, twisted to pick up something behind me but in the past this has been alleviated after a hot shower and some rest. Not this time. So, I'm claiming this one.
  
  
• Constipation
  This symptom is caused by hormone changes, and the growing uterus pressing against the bowel.
• I brought a bottle of prune juice, does that count as tmi?
  
  
• Darkening of areola (breast nipple)
  This can be one of the first symptoms which can appear as early as one week after conception and then throughout pregnancy.
• Nope
  
  
• Excessive salivation
• Yes, but then the salivary glands trigger is very close to the place in the brain for nausea. So I don't know.
  
  
• Exhaustion or feeling sleepy
  Can occur one to six weeks after conception and last your entire pregnancy.
• Yes.
  
  
• Food cravings
• Yes
  
  
• Frequent urination
  You may see this symptom six to eight weeks after conception and it will be with you for your entire pregnancy. This is caused by hormone changes and growing pressure on the bladder.
• Yes
  
  
• Headaches
• Yes, but I can explain this away.
  
  
• Increased sense of smell
• Yes, but I thought that was because i am no longer stuffing syneral up my nose.
  
  
• Lower abdominal cramps
• Check
  
  
• Nausea and vomiting
  This symptom usually shows up two to ten weeks after conception. The degree in which you feel sick varies from none to full fledged vomiting. The terminology for this nausea is "morning sickness" by can happen at any time of the day. Hormone changes in your body cause this symptom.
  
• Check
  
  
• Tender or swollen breasts
  This symptom is one that can appear rather quickly after fertilization - one to two weeks after conception and will most likely be with you your entire pregnancy.
• Check

Ok, so by this list I am pregnant. Somehow I think there may be more to these very general symptoms and they could all be explained away if I really wanted to.

Did you know women who experience morning sickness have less chance of a miscarriage?

The remedies tab at this site is good, except that my craves are for spicy foods and it advises avoidance as they can exacerbate the nausea.

Most of the other sites in the top ten say to seperate liquids and solids, maintain your B6 and drink ginger tea. All good advice. They all recommend dry plain crackers and cereals too.

For more information try:

http://health.ninemsn.com.au/article.aspx?id=96176

http://www.babycenter.com/pregnancy/morningsickness/index

http://www.betterhealth.vic.gov.au/bhcv2/bhcarticles.nsf/pages/Morning_sickness?OpenDocument=

OK, I'm going to try and get a few things done before I have my volunteer work this afternoon.

Hugs out to Deanna.

Stirrup Queen rides high in the saddle!

I think everyone should read this post.

You can apply it to all areas of your life.

If more people thought like this the world would be a better place.

OK; Gushing over.

Fear

This is the worst time. I am so scared that living normally (which is what they tell you to do) will result in the blastocyte not implanting and us having to start all over again yet if I don't continue as *normal* as I can then I'll go insane with worry.

The 2ww sucks: that's two week wait not second world war for those who aren't up on their IVF jargon (and who isn't these days?)

Am I throwing up because of morning sickness? Which is the biggest BS in the history of name calling: if it lasted until midday that would be OK but it persists for me until about 6 in the evening.

Is this merely a side effect that takes about twelve hours to strike, hangs around for 12 hours then vanishes again?

I find myself already seeking out spots because it's easier to have no hope this time then have expectations met rather than to have hope and my heart torn out again.

I want a baby so badly. I see examples of things others would be all"eew, gross" over in children and envy that not being a part of my life.


Sorry, I'm crying again. Fuck! I use this blog to get things out to stop them poisoning me then this shit comes up all over again.

The Boi wants me to be angry at him; seriously, how can I? I love him, even if his balls don't work. Before this I always thought it was me... I mean I'd had a few late cycles which doctors told me were miscarriages (apparently a cycle over a month late is thought to be one. Shrug.) but never an actual pregnancy scare... and trust me if anyone was going to I would.

I'm allergic to condoms and birth control makes me psychotic and paranoid. They have to do a boost cycle with us because stuffing my hormones up the other way sends me over the edge.


All I can think of with this is "all that money we wasted on birth control and pessaries to fight the side effects." I used to pray not to get pregnant (Lil' ol' Pagan me praying to "One God"... think more a general universal plea to who ever was listening while passing through the deo-sphere.)now I would return to church if I thought it would work. Mind you I can no longer be Catholic even if I want to because the way they do IVF makes the blastocytes a life in the eyes of the church and freezing them means I'm murdering those that don't defrost. (Or as one kindly Priest put it; you create life to kill it in the hope that one of the lives you created survives. Wanna know why I no longer go to church? Rant for another time I think. For the record: Not Anti any religious group, just issues with some of the cheer squads.)

The other thing is I hurt my back today to the poin that it hurts to sit for long periods or walk or climb stairs or lift anything. Some of these impact on my ability to work. Anyone elese think the universe is telling me to slow down?

Anyway... at the moment I am scared. I want this to work, I hope this works; but I am so scared that if I have hope than that will be to much and it won't work.

Then what do I do?

Huge hugs to all those other 2ww out there. I hope your all in a better place than this little pink cat is at the moment. (and I hope it contains lots'lots of chocky or foods you like to eat.)

OH! Miss Politics; I'm eating a lot of plain rice crackers and drinking copious ammounts of plain mineral water. I'm keeping an eye out for gluten free crackers as you suggested. Thanks.

Deanna: Good luck, Gorgeous.

Some People Rock

I sent a request to what I thought was an American based blog list for couples going through IVF. I've linked to it before: cyclesista. I thought I'd get a nice "Good luck, you're linked" response. You get those when you join wordless Wednesday, Tuesday twosome and the Saturday scavenger hunt.

Instead I got a lovely letter and a whole heap of information from someone who lives "down the road" from where the Boi and I are.

Every now and then someone does something that breaks through the cynical hormonal self that I can be and makes me realise how fortunate I am on so many levels.

Add to this the kindness shown by employer when, nauseous and dizzy about to fall asleep where I stood, I was let go home early even with the bucket loads of work still to do.

I walked in at home to collapse on the bed, mutter something about mineral water and plain rice crackers, then fall asleep for 2 hours.

I don't want to be too hopeful but I cannot remember being this nauseated or tired the last two times. I don't have as severe a crinone reaction; but will whinge about headaches and gall bladder pain of a lesser degree at another point when I have forgotten this.

On a sadder note: I missed a call from a great friend, when I called her back she told me that an old Melbourne Goth had passed over from a brain anuerysm. She was a friend in a social sense, so we weren't that close. I might write a tribute for her over at LJ for those who would like a few memories of what a great person whe was. I just want to put a huge hug out there for all those missing her and mourning her. She was a good person and the world needs more of those. For me I will remember her as the first person who challenged my boundaries in BDSM and perceptions of people. I'm not going to insult her by trying to remember how to spell her name (I'm notoriously bad at spelling names) so simply;

Vale, A. Too short lived, for long loved.
Thoughts to family and friends
Angels to watch over all
Rest in Peace, A.

I'm going to go rest now. I have an early start in the morning then two days off (before 5 days straight.) I might coffee and chocky first. I feel like I'm avoiding many of my other favourite things: soft cheeses, long hot baths, sushi: so I figure I get some treats.

I'm happy to receive recipes and advice on foods; please remember I am coeliac and lacto ova vegetarian.

The blastocytes they didn't put in didn't survive, so no bub-sicles for back up.

I need lots of prayers and hope at the moment but am finding it so hard to find.

I'm thinking in honour of A that I'll call the one in my tummy Titania or Frank.

Blast [-o-cyt-]ing in to motherhood

I have a blastocyte in my tummy, implanted yesterday.

It's at day 5 growth.

If all goes well at the blood test in a fortnight I am pregnant.

If not: they suggest you look at it like a delayed period and not a miscarriage, but this doesn't help. This is where Ziggy Stardust went byebye.

If all goes well the next hurdle is the first scan.

We lost "The spiders from Mars" at this one.

I called them by names so i didn't feel a drip talking to my tummy.

Ziggy Stardust came from a joke about having an alien inside; loving the alien; the alien being a Zygote... so in a long round about way the "Loving the alien" Bowie reference ended up ZS&TSFM. So when we had three blastocytes from last time the first one was Ziggy.

The backing group became the Spiders.

I'm looking for a cute name for this lots. We have three awaiting freezing; we find out how that goes tommorow.

I like the idea of a "Pun that flows". Mum called me Methusalah as she felt she was the oldest mum ever at 42.

My niece's little boy called his brother a jelly bean when he saw the ultrasound photo so she had a Jelly-bean in her jelly belly. I swear I still cannot eat Jelly beans around Josh for fear of questions.

The Boi andI have decided not to tell people too soon this time. my fear comes in having his niece aged almost 6 and Josh, 5, know what's going on and ask uncomfortable questions if things don't work.

Boi get's this.

Also it means less crap about MIL who "know" and buy innappropriate presents. (If she ever reads this, HORMONES, I SWEAR!) MIL rocks but can be a little difficult to cope with as she is such an optimist. When I reach 3 months I'll be doing the "I've got some ideas on maternity clothes... can you help?" so I can dress comfortable without losing me.

We've decided not to do (read, The Boi's told me he doesn't like it) the releasing options on names too early. I still favour the idea of calling them/ it/ him/ her after a family member who's passed over or has a big impact on us. I'm thinking his side for boy my side for girl. Is this TMI? I guess I'll find out.

Stuill, all in all we got the coolest little picture of our blastocyte yesterday. The crinone has not yet decided my gall bladder is it's new worst enemy, and the nausea this time is almost bearable.

All positives.

Someone give me a box of tissues

OK... I've raved at everyone to go read Miss Politics blog. Seriously. All four rock. Her one on the Fae is beautiful, her wiccan blog is informative and her recipes are yummy! (More please.)

Then there is her main blog. I don't always agree with her, we are human after all and if I agreed 100% with her she could accuse me of stalking and ask me to stay at least 50m away from her blog at all times. ;p

Then she does this.

How could I not love this womyn?

Thankyou.

IVF: quick update

We went for the harvest yesterday; 5 harvested.

They called today to tell us that 4 have divided, so transfer is Saturday.

Prayers, fingers crossed, whatever you think might help people.

Thanks for all those who've shown support.

More details when I have time.

Day Ten

After yesterdays rant on the bad advice out there I though I'd try a more positive spin on the things they tell you to do.

Fertility plus IVF Hints is exactly what it says it is. It's a site dedicated to helping those who are trying to conceive.

Some of the advice in at this site is stuff I wish someone had told me last time.

This gem may explain why I am so tired at the moment; and nope, I don't think it's iron, folate or protein as I am taking lots of good iron and folate supplements and keeping protein levels well up.

Rest is very important, even before transfer. All those developing eggs are taking up a lot of space and energy.

I'd have liked this information for all the times I bashed myself up over wanting to sleep all day, or sitting down for five minutes and waking up two hours later.

I love this one: The main IVF hint is to pamper yourself! An IVF cycle is a very stressful thing and anything that helps you through it without harming a potential baby is okay! Which gives me an excuse to have long baths and go shopping.

They then drop this one: Small amounts of alcohol will probably not adversely affect you or your eggs, but caffeine has been shown to affect fertility, even in small amounts, so try to avoid it. So I can drink a little but need to give up coffee and coke. So much for pampering myself. I wonder if I just cut back and drink good quality coffee only if that will do? I already have caffeine free tea so it's really only my coffee intake I need to consider.

It can be very comforting to find someone, either in cyberspace or in person, that is in a similar situation (factor, cycle) that you can share stories and progress with. I'm using this blog and reading others to normalise the entire process. I never really had that last time. I talked alot to the Boi, and random strangers, but not to anyone who'd experienced the smae type of IVF as we were going to need. Those I had talked to went through a different process; not icsi, no harvests.

While I'm at it; if you want to understand IVF from an easy to read and very informative professional site; try Repromed. It's Australian, easy to navigate, and brilliantly easy to read.

OK, now where were we? Oh, yeah... The extra fluid your developing follicles are taking up and being NPO before retrieval can sometimes cause constipation. Increasing your consumption of fiber and fluids as you approach egg retrieval may help alleviate this. So drinking litres of water due to the heat and wanting to eat lots of fruit is a very good thing.

I'm not going to recreate the site here for everyone; go to the link. I love how it divides the advice up; isn't preachy; is easy to read without using lots of jargon; doesn't hype chances but offers a realistic perspective; doesn't suggest things that give false hope (like eating pomegranates so the body learns to love the seeds and make it easier to concieve; seriously; I was told this by more than one person.) The site is by patients for patients.

I'm the first one to admit my reviews aren't the best, but I hope others can get some help from this one and use the site.

On a home front: Got some housework done today so feel better on that level. I am hoping it either poors or stops drizzling so I know what to do with the basket of wet washing. I purchased a cute top today marked down from $50 to $20 which I ended up paying $10 for. The weather isn't as hot (bonus) but is muggy. Headaches are not too bad today but bad taste in mouth from Synarel not disappearing.

We are heading out for dinner tonight so that should be fun; as long s the Boi's niece doesn't want to play "Mummy's, you be the mummy." That kills me. And it's so innocent I can't growl about it. She also asks when we are having kids. Anyone else gets the serve, but if your under 6 I figure it's innocence or programming and not your fault.

Anyway; might go to Eastland and do some more browsing; get some chunky jewellery.

Out of curiosity is it rude to give a person a 40th birthday card for their 39th with "almost" inserted everywhere? I think it's funny, but you never know with hormones.

Final word to La Cosby: “Through humor, you can soften some of the worst blows that life delivers. And once you find laughter, no matter how painful your situation might be, you can survive it.” Bill Cosby quotes

Bad advice for those with a family member who is infertile; part one.

OK; I have to say in my search for information and support through out the process this time I have encountered some strange sites. I'm calling this Part One as I am sure I will come across some more... or even better have others give me unsolicited advice.


Let's start with a Christian Support Group.

As a Catholic what we are doing is a mortal sin (due to the loss of embryos, it's equated with abortion, why do you think Tony Abbot doesn't like it?). This is one of the many reasons I am no longer Catholic. So when I stumbled across a site dedicated to supporting infertile Christians I was intrigued.

It begins:

Infertility and Friendship

I know you, as a friend of a couple waiting for that most special Gift
from God, never mean to be insensitive. Sometimes though it may be hard
for you to understand the anguish they are feeling when......Your sweet two year old, all in the five minutes you left him, methodically put all the trash you thought you had up out of his reach, in the middle of the living room, tore off his diaper and smeared all the good stuff in it on your kitchen floor and then threw up all over your clean carpet. Of course this also happens to be the time your Mother-in Law (who is a fanatic about housecleaning) is due to stop in any minute! Or when your precious little girl tells, well... everyone, that she has a boo boo on her wee wee and "do you want to see it?" Yes, but for all this, that child is still precious, and to the Couple In Waiting, those life scenes can seem out of reach and oh so heart wrenching.
OK, lets consider this: Most special gift from God; hm mm, what does this involve? Those born with horrific retardation? If you don't like it can you return it?

The examples they give of why you might find it hard to understand how anyone would find not having a child hard are about as well thought out an argument as, say, firing off a rant at another blog for being arseholes because they attacked your opinion when you had attacked theirs.

If someone told me about a child that smeared shit all over the floor and emptied out bins I'd offer them a pack of condoms and a strong drink. I wouldn't get all teary about not having a child. In fact, i think I'd pop the champers and celebrate not having a "Gift from God" that is the Devil's spawn.

And seriously, if your mother-in-law is such a cow that she cannot understand the temperament of a two year old and his creative expression of self then you've got bigger problems than a shitty floor.

Know what I'd do? Clean the kid up, dump him on Grandma and ask her to take him for a walk so I could clean up his mess. Or even better; call Grandma, explain the situation, ask her if she could be a dear and grab something for morning tea and get the brat to help before going to bed.

And as for the "boo boo on my wee wee" example? I'd be more worried how she got it in the first place to give a flying fuck who she offered to show.

So what do they tell those supporting this couple deprived of a gift from God?

Please Don't Say: "This must be the will of God for your life."-
That may be, but if you lost a loved one to death, would
you really want someone to say that to you in your grief?

Please Do Say: "Can I pray with you about this"?

Please Don't Say: "You can always adopt a child"- True, and adoption
is a blessing for a lot of people, but for many women they still feel the
need to bear a child. Consider Proverbs 30:15-16,..."There are three
things that are never satisfied, four that never say, 'enough'!: the grave,
the barren womb, land, which is never satisfied with water, and fire,
which never says, 'Enough!'

Please Do Say: "I will pray for you fervently and ask the Lord to bless
you and give you the desire of your heart".

If someone asks if they can pray with me about this they better hope I'm in Happy Hormone Land at the time. Yep, you can pray for me. Just don't shove your beliefs down my throat at this time.

You can laugh at my Wicca practices as "cute little coping methods", I'll do the same to your need to pray to an imaginary invisible man who, if I believed in him as the Bible describes, would have ordained this as part of his great plan.

Oh, btw, "imaginary invisible man" is a George Carlin quote.

As for the adoption thing? Don't get me started on the impossible nature of adopting locally in Australia and all the hassles of international adoption. Or the cow (yes, I want to use the "other" C word but am restraining myself) who called up a discussion on 774 ABC AM to tell people IVF is the ultimate act of selfishness when so many children need a home.

I would like to eventually foster children though, but then you have the heart ache of giving them back.

I'm going to leave you with a Maya Angelou quote: "I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.”

Day nine: The scan results.

To summarise today's events:

Blood tests show my hormone levels are in the right range.

Ultra Sound (Internal, how nice, it's like sex with a robot without the orgasm or the dignity.) showed lots of follicles all ready for harvesting.

So; two more days of injections of puregon. Two and a half days more of Synarel. Injection Saturday night to release eggs. Harvest Monday.

WOOHOO!!!!

No sex for 3 to 5 days, so that the Boi can do his bit.

*sob*

I still think that calling the results Petri would be cool; that's where it was conceived and we can say we are going for a variation on it's dad's name. ;p

To round out todays post, a quote on infertility.

There are highly gifted spirits who are always infertile simply because, owing to a weakness in temperament, they are too impatient to wait out their pregnancy to term. -
Friedrich Nietzsche

Day eight: Scan in the morning.

So... It's hot, I'm feeling very ditsy and moody. I have no energy to do anything. All of this and a scan in the morning to count follicles.

If all goes well we harvest Friday or Monday. If not, we begin again when my next cycle starts.

A lot rides on the number of those little follicles.

I feel like a battery hen that knows she'll be sent to the slaughter house if her egg production isn't good enough.This photo of my fat belly (I've lost two kilos and we think it's off my thighs and bottom, less cellulite. The drugs increase weight gain around my middle.) also shows my bruising from the injections earlier in the week... you know the one that I said speared each cell? (I do like that it's rounded and up front like I'm second trimester already. I don't like that it makes it a bitch to find clothes.)

SO: if tomorrow goes well the next post will be happy and uplifting; if the numbers aren't good then the next post may be sometime coming as I pick myself up all over again.

Oh.. yeah... Synarel headaches getting worse. Some how when working all day I don't notice them as much.

Back to the Golden Globes.

Day seven

So; after much deliberation I decided to talk to my new bosses today about IVF. The last time I did this I ended up fired over something I didn't do. Was I scared? Yes, as I could envision it all going pear shape again.

I couldn't of been more wrong. My supervisor is great and very understanding. I just have to keep her in the loop and give my best at the job. She has also asked me not to discuss this with anyone else at work so that's cool.

I am now feeling blessed.

All I need now is more hours. (An apparent slow spot in the tourist trade so I will only have 5 rostered days this fortnight but that might change in a second.)

This has removed one stress from the process.

I am so lucky. I am so loved and supported.

AND I am not working those three stinking hot days we have coming up.

YAHOO!!!!