Black Fingernails Red Cordial

Four years on...

2011-06-24T22:21:00.002+10:00

It turns out I can actually access this still... I lost access years ago when Blogger and Google started playing funny buggers.

So what's been going on? I now have 2 beautiful children, Isobel who is almost 4 and Harrison who is 2... both are ICSI miracles.

We now live in rural Victoria, and are planning on building.

I'm a full time stay at home mother now... so I should update my profile info from: Thirty something approaching parenthood for the first time thanks to the miracle of IVF. I'm also learning that your greatest fear can be overcome if you take it one breath at a time.

I've missed nails...

It's good to have them back.

:o)

Venting to try and stay sane...

2007-08-08T21:40:00.000+10:00

This is more of a vent than anything so bear with me...

Mum went to the doctors today, nothing new to report but he has x-rayed her chest due to a persistent cough and given her a referral to a physio about her back.

She's in a mood with me because I lectured, and that's as good a word as any, her about combustion in wheat bags. I even gave her guidelines when she said she'd never heard of them catching on fire; one lot from the NSW fire brigade with the risks outlined. She thinks I'm worrying too much and being over dramatic. *shrug* You can smell the wheat bags through the house the next morning, a sort of burnt bread smell, but she can't smell it so it doesn't exist. It also gives her an excuse to criticise the cats and the smell of food/ trays if we mention smells.

Marie has upset Martha with a letter she sent her about Des. Think the Donna fiasco played out on a "Marie was always more spoilt, she and Lorna should never of said what they did after Leo died, etc" level. All the old jealousies that she has played out in us kids exacerbated by the loss of Des. I'm trying to be patient but don't know how to handle this. The Boi keeps telling me to communicate with her but its like talking to... well, let's be honest... Mum.

I never anticipated this when we talked about the move.

Worst of all is she has started doing over the top displays by purchasing things when the Boi and I try to help in anyway. I got an over priced pair of maternity pyjama's for driving her around for the funeral. I don't know if she's trying to out do The Boi's family or what but it makes me feel very uncomfortable and I wish she'd put the effort into her great grandchildren and grandchildren instead.

Oh! If she mentions the PJ's you can tell her how much I liked them. Except for the colour and the price I do. They are a great deal nicer than the granny nighties she keeps pushing.

Taking her to Spotlight was pointless. Walk in, look at wraps, look at wools and leave. Tut tut over the range of polar fleeces, sniff at the flannelettes and run down the suggestion of making PJ's like we bought after saying how she can copy things but isn't original in ideas. Going to Spotlight was her idea.

Worst of all for me is the side comments about how The Boi and I do things. "I don't want to sound critical but..." starts of the conversation. It's everything from how we prepare veggies, to what we buy, to our driving styles and choices regarding parenthood. I know Pete wants me to listen to her advice and try to meet her part way on things but he's not getting the full impact. It's not just me she's running down now. It's like she knows my two weakest points and is hammering at them. I can't hide in bed or the bath all the time but I'm losing it. And if she uses language that negates herself one more time I think I will.

I'm trying to apply the skills we learnt in the course. I'm trying to be patient. I'm losing me, I'm losing confidence, and I'm losing my happy.

This could all be hormones, it could all be topic, but I'm losing it.

If I cannot be a good daughter how the hell am I ever going to be a decent mother?

DAAS: Misunderstood Hippies

2007-07-05T18:58:00.000+10:00

DAAS is one of those "guilty pleasures" that I have hung on to from my Uni days.

The broadband is back and so am I

2007-07-05T13:39:00.000+10:00

After a little under 2 months of dial up and no access to computers the Boi and I are now returned to the world of the faster internet connection.

How anyone survives on dial up is beyond me! MSN and hotmail bit more than usual, but Yahoo also failed to live up to the standards I have come to expect from them.

We've left Dodo and gone over to AAPT, following much screwing around until someone asked if the land line was a cable Optus connection. Restoring the old twisted copper line to the house here proved more trouble then expected and resulted in a minor rewiring job.

Talking of here we are slowly settling in and returning to normal. My mother has succeeded in making me feel like I am twelve again and makes many comments that explains years of therapy and undermines my confidence in myself. The Boi is finding this harder to take than I thought. The move isn't the issue, it's seeing someone he normally sees as strong and independent cowed and frightened to be her true self.

Examples: When I get up after 9am due to sleeping poorly as Bub is bouncing on my bladder all night I'm greeted with "It's up!" in a tone that drips with sarcasm and disdain. We'll get in to the whole area of calling a person an "it" another time.

I am criticised for gaining weight (about 5 kg so far) and how I eat. I happen to be five and a half months pregnant but apparently I am gaining weight because I never exercise and eat wrong. I'm also causing irreparable danger to myself and my child by not eating "normal foods." This translates as me being a lacto-ova vegetarian coeliac; akin to Satan worship in her books.

Don't get me wrong. I love my mother and understand on so many levels that this comes from her own inability to cope with change in anyway. BUT do I need to be subservient to my husband? Do I need to have his shirts ironed and meals on the table when he walks in? Should I sacrifice my health and ethics to meet her standards? (Some of which I find archaic to be polite about it.)

Worse of all might be that I don't feel able to grieve in my own fashion. Mum doesn't show emotion. She feels it is a sign of weakness. She doesn't hug or discuss how she feels beyond "I just need time" or a justification of "Just because I don't show things doesn't mean I don't feel them." I am certain I am not the only person out there with a mother like this... I can name at least 6 others ;)... but it's a combination of factors that when taken individually are silly little irrelevancies. Combine them however and I begin to understand how people divorce parents or write them off.

OH! Just in case people are wondering: Pregnancy going well. Baby moving great; if male they definitely could play for the magpies, if female then an interstate team or Geelong. ;p Cravings: Potato, jubes, custard. The photo at the top shows how I've "Popped."

Hugs and thanks to all who've sent messages of love and support.

Thank you

2007-05-02T16:36:00.000+10:00

To everyone who's hung in there while I take a break, and especially to all those who've sent messages of support and sympathy on the passing of my Father, I would like top say a huge...

THANK YOU!

It hasn't been easy lately. I find myself crying for "no reason." I'm trying to get it out of my system as best as I can but find what I really want to do is scream at a section of family that have acted abominably through out the past three months... oh, and at my Mum for standing up for them while they continue to treat her in a way I reserve for those who harm children.

I'm scared that if I don't let this out soon the bitterness inside me will eat my baby or harm her in some way. (No, it's not a girl. We're finding out after I squeeze her out. No, it doesn't have to be a girl. I'd be happy with a boy, as long as he's healthy. I just can't use It. I could use Mum's pet name for her, Billie. Would that be better?)

Anyway, on the baby news front: Billie is stretching lots. I know this as the pain is fun. It's not movement as such more a very uncomfortable pain similar to what you get after doing sit ups after not having exercised since leaving school.

I might be off the air for a prolonged time while we finish the move; seems our ISP are pricks that cannot get their heads around the concept of moving a broadband connection to a new number without it being a 3-6 week delay... or something like this. This is the Boi's area.

Anyhow... just wanted to say Thanks.

Huge hugs

Friday the 13th: Lucky for some...

2007-04-15T22:20:00.000+10:00

I haven't written for a while due to my father's illness and my own tiredness associated with work, worry and pregnancy. I won't be writing for a while again due to my father's funeral, pregnancy and moving.

On Friday after a short illness my father passed over with my mother, one of my brothers and his family, Peter and myself by his side. Peter was actually outside trying to reach my sister as I saw what was about to happen and wanted her contacted as soon as possible.

I've never really held with death as anything more than a transition from one state to another, and feel the body is a beautifully elaborate vessel for holding the energy known as the soul. When he had stopped breathing I fell straight in to the mode of PCA laying out the body. I checked vitals, pupils and let the RN know. I made sure his teeth were in, and lay him flat, removing extra pillows that might add to the slackness of the jaw and make the funeral parlour's presentation job that bit harder. It was second nature to me.

Not so the brother, a Jehovah's Witness, who thought I was being morbid and did not understand the actions I was taking. Due to this I could not perform one of the last things I wanted to for my father, which was to wash his body and prepare him for the journey to the parlour.

I sat and watched him as long as I could, but said brother's 4 year old daughter kept coming in and I was concerned about how this might impact upon her in later life.

Making those phone calls were the hardest thing I've ever done.

You'd think losing a parent would be among the worst thing that could happen then the family tensions begin.

Mum and I went back to her place after the Doctor signed the certificate (about three hours post mortem.) My sister returned home, as did my JW brother. Middle son had come in, seen the body, left. {I'm skipping bits... sorry... I need to get this out in the order in my head.} Brothers who could not make it that evening were coming to the house the next day. We didn't really know who at the time but the oldest boy would be coming to help with the funeral and this we knew. Mum thought it would be a simple case of OB picking her up and taking her to parlour to sort details.

The Funeral rep came to the house to finalise the prepaid stuff and sort out other details. OB, JW, youngest boy and second son were all there by chance. OB because it was arranged was the only expected one. We didn't know it would be at the house. So, not everyone knew, not everyone was there. Those that bothered to call Mum knew what was happening and made their own decisions. Some just rocked up to be with Mum. Middle son never called.

Today we sorted out burial time, place etc.

Mum called around all the family to confirm and finalise all details. This is when the shit hit the fan.

Her first call was to middle son who had not bothered to call her to see how she was, had snubbed her and other family at the ACF where Dad died, and generally been a prick through out the past 8 weeks under the guise of "...but Dad said..." {I might of ranted at some point about a brother who never visited except at Christmas? Guess who?}

MS's de facto wife answered. I was the other end of the room and I could hear the strips torn from Mum as this cow attacked her for not including MS in the discussion. A discussion, keep in mind, Mum thought was the role of OB only and did not expect (or indeed want) any of the others to be at; myself included. When Mum hung the phone up she was visibly shaken and looked ashen. I thought I would be calling an ambulance to get her some help.

Next, she called SS and left a message as he was asleep due to working nights as a baker in his own business. (SS would like to have catered the after party at the house. He's not happy about this being held at the local Bowls club. My mother has major panic attacks at the thought of family coming home and the floors being dirty so can you imagine her state with about 100 people wandering through the house? )

JW was next on list. JW declined to be a pall bearer. Mum is upset by this. JW also refuses to do reading. Mum fears that JW will not turn up.

OB followed on the call list. He was very supportive and helpful. He might even try to make appointment with priest on Monday; first one to offer though all have had this information passed on.

YB took information in much the same way, but has to work so didn't expect to make the meeting about the service.

I had already called Sis so she was up to date over the whole situation, except the MS reaction.

Mum's shattered but holding it together over the whole situation. I feel like I am on the verge of a collapse emotionally so am at home tonight for a break and some cat time.

If your interested: Announcements in the Hun and the Age.

Palliative Care

2007-03-28T14:41:00.000+10:00

The case coordinator for my father has called my mother to set up an appointment for this Friday.

They are talking about transfering him from the Kingston Centre to Bethlehem Hospice as he has deteriorated to a point where they feel that Palliative care is the best option.

Sometimes I hate knowing what I do about ageing and aged care.

*sigh*

Cravings: Consumer Guilt and Left Leaning Biases

2007-03-28T10:14:00.000+10:00

I'm an ethical vegetarian. I don't like the thought of any creature dying so that I can eat. I explain it as not eating things that have faces which leads to idiots offering me oysters or scallops.

Lately I have found I am craving the flesh of animals. Worse: The flesh of animals prepared by those ethical animal rights protectionists KFC!

I eat a healthy diet. I work in a physically demanding job. I take Elevit and flax seed oil and folate... all for the baby as well as to maintain my own health. I drink lots of water and eat plenty of proteins; mainly free range eggs (from my mum's neighbour who has chooks, geese and ducks), mushrooms, soy and dairy. I could happily live on fresh fruit and veggies at the moment.

Soup? Curries? Spicy foods? BRING THEM ON!

But still I'm craving KFC.

I try to avoid KFC and McDonald's for ethical reasons. I'll buy Hungry Jacks because my understanding is that they were originally a Western Australian company; they have true Vegan foods and will serve me a "baguette and bun free Veggie Burger" which means a salad with veggie patties and the sauces. Otherwise my "evil food eating" is limited to chips and gravy or chips and a pickled onion from local businesses.

Actually the Boi and I try to buy as much as possible from small companies and not mega corporations; it's our little insignificant (?) protest against the exploitation of people and primary producers. You know; the ones who grow the foods and pick them?

We shop for our coffee through a Fair Trade supplier, same with our tea and chocolate.

Our green groceries are from a little grocers in Croydon, or an organics store in Heathmont.

Most of our grains come from a wholesale provider; they have a wide variety of dries fruits, nuts, flour, pastas, legumes and the like; only no rice and I can get that at the organics store in Heathmont.

We buy "Earth" brand products to minimise our footprints and are exploring biodegradable and cloth nappies for our baby. In fact we only really go to supermarkets for Milk, Cheese and GF Bread. (OK, and junk foods like mineral water and Coke, and YES I know how hypocritical that is.)

One day we will grow our own food, have our own chooks, be as self sufficient as possible; make our own bread (once I figure out the balance so we get a nice GF loaf and not a house brick of dough) live what my family calls the "Left leaning delusional greeny" life. (My mother says I was always like this, at 6 I was running away to join a commune and be a Hippie.)

I try not to force my views on others; what you do with your body is your choice; you decide the depths of your footprint.

So; why the hell am I craving the flesh of an innocent creature that had no life to begin with grown in minuscule cages, force fed steroids then sent to an organisation that changed there name to distract from the F meaning Fried.

OK... rant over... feel a little better but still want to eat death.

Butter Mushroom for tea tonight might help. Tofu for lunch with steamed veggies.

Song lyrics and mortality: the cyclic nature of being.

2007-03-21T21:47:00.000+11:00

My father is reaching a point in which he is starting to not recognise those around him. When we visit he holds my hand and squeezes my fingers so tight I fear they may break, but I'd rather broken fingers than the broken heart I carry inside me as I watch him die.

They're using a Blood, Sweat and Tears song on Medium tonight. You know the one:

I'm not scared of dying
And I, don't really care
If it' s peace you find in dying
Well then, let the time be near

It continues in the chorus with:

And when I die, and when I'm gone
There'll be, one child born
In this world
To carry on, to carry on

Pretty much my view on death and dying in one song.

I'm not afraid of my own mortality, I doubt I ever have been.

I'm missing the man my father was already. He has been my anchor for so long that now, even with the support and love of the Boi I feel adrift. Little things I could always talk to my Dad about I cannot talk to him about anymore . He will never be able to assuage my fears about the pregnancy or what life will be like without him in it.

I know you only get handed as much as you can handle but I don't think I can handle anymore.

Still here after all these tears...

2007-03-10T23:19:00.000+11:00

My father's health continues to decline.

My stress levels in dealing with family continue to increase.

The Boi and my Mother worrying over my stress levels is exacerbating the whole thing. (Dad is the important one.)

Our grain of rice is going strong and causing much nausea.

I am feeling more alone and isolated than I can explain.

I now understand why people become shut ins.

Hugs

...and as the tumble weed rolls past...

2007-03-01T15:06:00.000+11:00

OK: so I've been a little quiet lately.

I have reasons.

Good ones.

Like Morning sickness lasts most of the day and lying down helps more than staring at a computer screen.

Or I didn't know how to describe the contrast in news lately and not sound bitter about what it means.

Lets start with some good news.

Baby's heartbeat was 140 at the ultrasound on Monday. :)

I'm going to be a grand aunt again before I am a mum... two weeks before in fact. :)

I'm getting lots of work, have caught up on two seasons of "West Wing", am eating some great curries and have figured out a way around the finances associated with "Baby means not working." :)

All good things.

My father has a brain tumour, probably won't live long enough to meet my child, is going to have to be admitted to a nursing home as we will not be able to care for him at home (even though this is his wish) and the Boi and I will be moving in to help my Mother cope with all the crap that is going on. :(

All bad things; sort of...

My Father dying is one of my biggest fears. My child/ren not knowing their grandparents ranks right alongside that.

Moving home to my parents place helps us financially and me emotionally as I can at least help, but Dad not being there is breaking my heart. I don't know how my Mum is coping. I think she's more concerned about being alone though as she likes the idea of the Boi and I moving in and has agreed to cats moving with us... well... cat. :(

I've always felt that a life goes in a family and another replaces it. My Dad is such a huge figure it's going to take three babies to replace him. Huge as in amazing and all things positive not huge as in obese.

So anyway. If people don't hear from me it's because I'm busy, moving, pregnant, grieving, numb, crying, vomiting, working, vague and slowly collapsing in to an emotional mess.

Warning people: this may result in some Vorgon quality poetry.

Meanwhile: I expect Mr Bolt to jump on the announcement from the US that Gore's electricity bill is high and he hasn't implemented what he preaches... anyone else think that this is a preemptive strike against Gore in relation to the US elections? Me thinks the Republicans are getting worried. (Moving home means more exposure to the HUN; my parents buy it while the Boi and I are Age readers. Expect some ill informed rants about the quality of journalism as a way of venting emotions that are easier to handle if ignored short term than confronted.)

Did any of that make sense?

If your interested photos related to IVF they are posted over at Crayons out of respect for those that don't want to see that type of things.

For people with my number who read this the phone is metaphorically off the hook till I can cope. Please, don't take offense. I just need a bit more time. It's only been a fortnight and all the news keeps getting progressively worse. I'm also making lots of immediate family calls so the phone is becoming the enemy.

Stats and craves.

2007-02-14T14:36:00.000+11:00

OK! for all you statistic junkies out there: a quick fix!

Progesterone is at 167; HcG or "the pregnancy hormone" is at 4380.

As the nurse said "You are most definitely pregnant."

My concern at the moment is that I seem to already be having cravings, I just want to live on spicy foods (which cannot help prevent the morning sickness).

If it was dairy I'd think I was low in calcium; chocolate and sugary foods mean that your iron levels are out; but spicy foods?

One site I read suggested that the foods are what the child craves and have nothing to do with nutritional deficiencies. So bubs wants me to live on chillies, Thai, Indian and Mexican? Thats cool. I've even purchased a hot chilli sauce for dipping things in: no longer plain old tomato sauce on chips for this pink duck!

If I was craving meat I'd sought of get it... I'm vegetarian so i'd think it was protein and just up my tofu and mushroom content.

My concern is what it means. Will this subside or will the Boi have to get used to curry and spice every night? When do the really funky craves kick in? (You know the ones... gherkins and icecream; potting mix {iron levels apparently explain this one too}. )

My mother still cannot have milk in her tea, a hangover from morning sickness that has lasted over 32 years! She laughs at the concept of cravings but assured me last time (miscarriage at 8 weeks) that the baby will definitely tell you what it doesn't want. She also told the Boi to make sure I got a cup of tea in bed each morning before I got up to help with the nausea. I stll cannot work out if that was just her excuse for a cuppa or if it's good advice. She had 7 kids so I'm not arguing too much with her advice.... yet.

I do like having cravings; I never had them of morning sickness to this extent during the last one so i take them as good signs. I just wish I was less hungry. I know my body is using more energy and I am going down weight wise (could be work contributing to this too) but I am constantly looking for a snack.

So what do people think? Does it mean something? Nothing? Any weird craves? Any craves at all?

Oh... and what is the deal with sushi? Is it the fish or the seaweed you're suppsoed to avoid? *Sigh, I miss my Japanese food.*

just a quick note

2007-02-13T13:39:00.000+11:00

Thank you to all those who've given me support and congratulations over the past week.

We have another blood test tommorow so I'll try to get the numbers for the "statistics junkies" out there.

I'm busy with work, morning sickness and just general living.

When I have some energy I'll post for real.

Hugs to everyone.

Results

2007-02-07T21:01:00.001+11:00

BFP

I can hear him snoring from here; the other end of the house

2007-02-06T23:23:00.000+11:00

The Boi is asleep, he should be. He's worked hard all day while I've just tried to distract myself at home.

I cannot sleep. I don't think its the lack of doing anything today: I caught up on dishes, clothes, bathroom, vacuuming, surface wipe downs and reorganised the crap in the lounge and kitchen; designed two basic invite/ card options and finished 60 thank you cards; and caught up on all my correspondence; and did some cooking. So I think it could be safely said I did stuff today.

I only have two rooms to sort through and organise and the house is perfect.

I cannot sleep because the outcome of tommorow haunts me.

If it's positive will it last? Can we afford a baby? How good at parenting will we be? What if it's the dreaded BFN monster? What are all the drugs doing to my body?

And there you have it; what's keeping me awake.

If I'm not pregnant maybe every little smell won't make me dry wretch, maybe the slightest noise won't drive me nuts, and all those lovely little habits of his can go back to being mildly annoying not the lead reason in my defence for murder.

But if I'm not everything else gets shed with the light of perspective. (I know most of this rant may well be nerves and hormones but it doesn't excuse that I feel like I am being Queen B at the moment for what, in big picture terms, is BS.)

OH FUCK! I hope I am pregnant. I know I'll be a good mum. The Boi will rock as a dad. I HAVE HOPE!!!!!

Godess Luna, as you watch over us in your beauty, help me to cope with this change in tide. Help me to embrace that which the Universe feels I can handle, and to accept that whatever the outcome is, it's not a punishment. As you embrace me through the window know I love you. Please help this life to grow. Please help this heart to heal.

8 hours to the blood test.

And a quote from Rimmer that about covers it:

"Listy, Listy, is that a small sewage plant you're carrying in your trousers or do I detect you're a tad nervous?"

Gods! I love Red Dwarf.

Out! Out! Damn Spot!

2007-02-04T19:22:00.000+11:00

This post goes in to way to much detail: If squirmish don't read.

I've been spotting. This could mean nothing and it could mean that by Wednesday the blood test will be a futile search for nothingness while I lose even more blood.

It's not really spotting though: so I'm putting it out to all those on crinone: did you spot? Did you have a dark red discharge? (Like a dark red thrush in apperance.)

The first time we used crinone it impacted upon my gall bladder and my cycle came early.

The next time they implanted we used the pessaries. (Gosh! Aren't they fun! Any woman who has ever comlpained about sperm dribbling down her thigh should try the pesaries for a week. They melt in your hand, require you to lie down for 10 minutes post use, and leave a waxy/ oily residue on your clothing. ) Which went well as we held on until week 6.

Dr Downing suggested we use the crinone again this time. No gall bladder pain! We do however have this discharge.

So: if anyone has experienced this can they settle my nerves, and tell me what they know.

I've searched but gotten no real information, and Epworth IVF is shut till tommorow when I am working.

Thanks.

Only 5 more sleeps till the blood test...

2007-02-02T20:07:00.000+11:00

... and as the time grows closer my nerves string them selves ever thinner.

Little things make me jump; like the Boi commenting on discharge when helping with the crinone gel. Or a fleck of dark lint on the gusset of white undies.

I accept that all 2ww people go through variations on this theme.

It's either every little thing is a sign it's going ahead or that it's not going to ever happen.

Paranoia's increase. The warmer the temperature the more panicked I become about the heat regulation thingy. If I'm cleaning in a warm moist environment then I am convinced I am dooming the cycle before it has a chance.

Skipping a meal: eating later than usual: forgetting the elevit: are all death sentences that I am inflicting upon this little life that may or may not be inside of me. (It doesn't help that Coca Cola is helping me better than most things as a tummy tonic, all that caffeine, all those conflicting reports about it's impact on foetuses.)

The Boi is pretty good in coping with my swings but he can't always be there; and that's when the little voices of doubt are the loudest.

That's when I feel myself reaching for the Kettle Chilli Chips and pigging out.

So; only 5 more sleeps. Thank goodness I'm working the next three days and have distractions organised for Tuesday. Wednesday I am buying a new online game as a consolation/celebration gift for myself.

On a lighter note: the Boi has posted a very funny (imho) post about how he's coping. It's not all laughs some of it's d&m stuff. But the final line had me in tears I was laughing so hard.

Females with male partners who are infertile might enjoy this perspective, especially the last line.

Thanks for all the continuing support.

Things that others could do...

2007-02-01T15:05:00.000+11:00

We are keeping this cycle low profile. I'm using Crayons as a way to get out what I'd normally be blabbing to anyone in ear shot. One reason for this is the awkwardness that occurs when others have done something they feel is "thoughtful and a help" when things are going badly or through what I'd like to think of as them "Just not thinking".

Things others could not do:

Buy baby clothes as a surprise for a couple in their first trimester. This goes for the following also:

* How to books

* Cute toys designed for babies.

* Kids music and movies designed solely for kids; so Hi 5, BoohBah, The Wiggles (no matter how cute Captain Feathersword is.) or the like.

* Nursery supplies, inc. furniture.

* Basically anything that is designed for "Post baby life".

* If you're not genuinely happy about the baby or the journey to get to baby status. Be honest but be nice. Say "I know it's what you want but i don't want a blow by blow description of the ObGyn." or " I'm not a big fan of kids. I wish you luck but I may not be around as much as I am now."
OK, yes, you'll get called names but people will know where you stand. It doesn't mean you are being any less supportive, just that you're priorities are different to the expecting couple. (And if you've had tmi in the face of a polite request hire Alien, watch it with them and keep repeating "I hear that's really what child birth is like."
Don't comment on how you think the couple will do as parents. Don't snap at every bit of new baby news the couple share with you, especially if it's an announcement while the couple, or single, are struggling through with the failure of a step in the process.)

* Don't offer every piece of advice you've encountered during the process either you, family or a friend went through. I don't want to be paranoid about every little bite I take. I don't want to be lectured on how if I "relax it will happen without IVF." (Yep, gonna happen, if I relax the Boi's nuts will work right. *shrug*)

* Don't give pictures of your kids as presents to IF couples. This is just rubbing it in. (OK, so that's not really fair, but hey! If I cry at the puppies in the toilet paper ad...)

If you do this it means:

* You value my uterus more than you value me.

* You can bear the full brunt of resentment when things go badly, eg. Miscarriage in first trimester.

* You have no right to feel hurt if the reaction to these gifts is a resounding "I am not taking these!!!" followed by unending tears. (Especially if the pregnant person has been spotting for four weeks, is more stressed out than a monkey on crack and is so tired that sleep is a distant memory. You don't know what is driving the reaction, it is most probably not about you. No. Honestly. Not everything is. You only get a small glimpse of what is going on. Sometimes the best laid plans are salt in a paper cut, sometimes they are a machete to the heart. )

You could instead:

* Buy books that the pregnant person would love to read, books that they wouldn't get themselves that you think they might like, books by their favourite author. (Not Kaz Cooke's Up The Duff. If people want guides let them buy them themselves.)

* Help them out around the house; especially if both are working. This is not an open invite to reorganise the house and throw out all those things you never liked. It's you offering nicely to vacuum and wash floors, or mow lawns.

* Pamper days: massages, day spas, waxing vouchers, manicures, pedicures. Things that focus on the expectant mum relaxing and feeling like they are more than a Pod for the Triffid to escape from.

* Cook their fave foods; Take them shopping so they don't need to carry heavy bags; give vouchers for dinner for two or take out on nights they are working late.

* Ask them what they would like.

Everyone reacts differently to a situation. Some optimists with strong recovery powers may appreciate baby grow suits during the 2ww. I personally would be using them as handkerchiefs and burning them if things went wrong.

Mainly; be supportive with out putting on pressure (which you may not realise you are doing, so tread gentle. Good rule of thumb, don't sign off messages as "Grandma" or "Pop" or address them to "Mum" or "Dad" until you've held the baby for the first time.)

OH! and definitely offer to pay for the over priced to die for maternity top that has your D/IL in tears in the shop. Good move and you'll win automatic "You can be in the room if you like for the birth" status. ;p (Just kidding!)

But I would like:

IVF Blog titles...

2007-01-31T10:42:00.000+11:00

Before deciding to publish and be damned here our journey through the latest rounds of IVF I gave some thought to beginning another journal, purely for the purposes of documenting the IVF journey and not having reminders everyday if things went bad.

I considered the possible names I could use...

Black Fingernails, Red Cells

My Life As A Battery Hen

Ziggy Stardust and The Spiders From Ma

INCONCEIVABLE! (I don't think that means what you think it means.) [With pictures and quotes throughout from Princess Bride.]

Crossing Fingers Uncrossing Legs [The advice my mother gave us when we told her of the problems we we're having.]

Infertile Soil

Some of my faves had been taken...

Pin Cushion Diaries

Journey To The Center Of The Egg

Womb With A View

In the end I decided that Cordial was always supposed to be about where I am now and things that grab my interests. Crayons is ffor meme's and creative rants and expression; soon as I figure out how to capture the pictures I've painted in the best light that will also have my creative expression of IVF and frustrations.

Both should be able to contain all the hopes, fears and dreams tha one heart struggles to encapsulate.

Really? I'd only start another blog for this if the Boi was co-writing so taht people got a balanced perspective of the process. I might ask him to post a full explanation of why we need IVF; seeing as it's his nuts that are broken.

In the meantime I'm happy with my decision.

Now I really should go do some housework.

Signs and symptoms: or, I have a day off and no energy to move.

2007-01-31T10:00:00.000+11:00

Out of desperation to better understand what is going on in my body I thought I'd look up morning sickness. I mean if it is psycho somatic than I should only have nausea and breast tenderness, if it's real I might have a few more things... so I entered Morning Sickness in google.

First result: http://www.morningsicknesshelp.com/

First tab of interest in this: Pregnancy Smptoms.

Lets see which ones I have so I can obsess even more. (This sentence is followed by either a maniacal laugh or a journey through the round window.)

Missed period or a period with less bleeding than normal
Yes, but that could be all th hormones that are floating around inmy system that mean I am late... by about three days... so I'm not going to take this one to heart.
Backaches
YES, really severe to point of having trouble with movement. Seeing as I am not clear how I hurt my back yesterday, twisted to pick up something behind me but in the past this has been alleviated after a hot shower and some rest. Not this time. So, I'm claiming this one.
Constipation
This symptom is caused by hormone changes, and the growing uterus pressing against the bowel.
I brought a bottle of prune juice, does that count as tmi?
Darkening of areola (breast nipple)
This can be one of the first symptoms which can appear as early as one week after conception and then throughout pregnancy.
Nope
Excessive salivation
Yes, but then the salivary glands trigger is very close to the place in the brain for nausea. So I don't know.
Exhaustion or feeling sleepy
Can occur one to six weeks after conception and last your entire pregnancy.
Yes.
Food cravings
Yes
Frequent urination
You may see this symptom six to eight weeks after conception and it will be with you for your entire pregnancy. This is caused by hormone changes and growing pressure on the bladder.
Yes
Headaches
Yes, but I can explain this away.
Increased sense of smell
Yes, but I thought that was because i am no longer stuffing syneral up my nose.
Lower abdominal cramps
Check
Nausea and vomiting
This symptom usually shows up two to ten weeks after conception. The degree in which you feel sick varies from none to full fledged vomiting. The terminology for this nausea is "morning sickness" by can happen at any time of the day. Hormone changes in your body cause this symptom.
Check
Tender or swollen breasts
This symptom is one that can appear rather quickly after fertilization - one to two weeks after conception and will most likely be with you your entire pregnancy.
Check

Ok, so by this list I am pregnant. Somehow I think there may be more to these very general symptoms and they could all be explained away if I really wanted to.

Did you know women who experience morning sickness have less chance of a miscarriage?

The remedies tab at this site is good, except that my craves are for spicy foods and it advises avoidance as they can exacerbate the nausea.

Most of the other sites in the top ten say to seperate liquids and solids, maintain your B6 and drink ginger tea. All good advice. They all recommend dry plain crackers and cereals too.

For more information try:

http://health.ninemsn.com.au/article.aspx?id=96176

http://www.babycenter.com/pregnancy/morningsickness/index

http://www.betterhealth.vic.gov.au/bhcv2/bhcarticles.nsf/pages/Morning_sickness?OpenDocument=

OK, I'm going to try and get a few things done before I have my volunteer work this afternoon.

Hugs out to Deanna.

Stirrup Queen rides high in the saddle!

2007-01-30T23:00:00.000+11:00

I think everyone should read this post.

You can apply it to all areas of your life.

If more people thought like this the world would be a better place.

OK; Gushing over.

Fear

2007-01-30T21:47:00.000+11:00

This is the worst time. I am so scared that living normally (which is what they tell you to do) will result in the blastocyte not implanting and us having to start all over again yet if I don't continue as *normal* as I can then I'll go insane with worry.

The 2ww sucks: that's two week wait not second world war for those who aren't up on their IVF jargon (and who isn't these days?)

Am I throwing up because of morning sickness? Which is the biggest BS in the history of name calling: if it lasted until midday that would be OK but it persists for me until about 6 in the evening.

Is this merely a side effect that takes about twelve hours to strike, hangs around for 12 hours then vanishes again?

I find myself already seeking out spots because it's easier to have no hope this time then have expectations met rather than to have hope and my heart torn out again.

I want a baby so badly. I see examples of things others would be all"eew, gross" over in children and envy that not being a part of my life.

Sorry, I'm crying again. Fuck! I use this blog to get things out to stop them poisoning me then this shit comes up all over again.

The Boi wants me to be angry at him; seriously, how can I? I love him, even if his balls don't work. Before this I always thought it was me... I mean I'd had a few late cycles which doctors told me were miscarriages (apparently a cycle over a month late is thought to be one. Shrug.) but never an actual pregnancy scare... and trust me if anyone was going to I would.

I'm allergic to condoms and birth control makes me psychotic and paranoid. They have to do a boost cycle with us because stuffing my hormones up the other way sends me over the edge.

All I can think of with this is "all that money we wasted on birth control and pessaries to fight the side effects." I used to pray not to get pregnant (Lil' ol' Pagan me praying to "One God"... think more a general universal plea to who ever was listening while passing through the deo-sphere.)now I would return to church if I thought it would work. Mind you I can no longer be Catholic even if I want to because the way they do IVF makes the blastocytes a life in the eyes of the church and freezing them means I'm murdering those that don't defrost. (Or as one kindly Priest put it; you create life to kill it in the hope that one of the lives you created survives. Wanna know why I no longer go to church? Rant for another time I think. For the record: Not Anti any religious group, just issues with some of the cheer squads.)

The other thing is I hurt my back today to the poin that it hurts to sit for long periods or walk or climb stairs or lift anything. Some of these impact on my ability to work. Anyone elese think the universe is telling me to slow down?

Anyway... at the moment I am scared. I want this to work, I hope this works; but I am so scared that if I have hope than that will be to much and it won't work.

Then what do I do?

Huge hugs to all those other 2ww out there. I hope your all in a better place than this little pink cat is at the moment. (and I hope it contains lots'lots of chocky or foods you like to eat.)

OH! Miss Politics; I'm eating a lot of plain rice crackers and drinking copious ammounts of plain mineral water. I'm keeping an eye out for gluten free crackers as you suggested. Thanks.

Deanna: Good luck, Gorgeous.

Some People Rock

2007-01-29T20:03:00.000+11:00

I sent a request to what I thought was an American based blog list for couples going through IVF. I've linked to it before: cyclesista. I thought I'd get a nice "Good luck, you're linked" response. You get those when you join wordless Wednesday, Tuesday twosome and the Saturday scavenger hunt.

Instead I got a lovely letter and a whole heap of information from someone who lives "down the road" from where the Boi and I are.

Every now and then someone does something that breaks through the cynical hormonal self that I can be and makes me realise how fortunate I am on so many levels.

Add to this the kindness shown by employer when, nauseous and dizzy about to fall asleep where I stood, I was let go home early even with the bucket loads of work still to do.

I walked in at home to collapse on the bed, mutter something about mineral water and plain rice crackers, then fall asleep for 2 hours.

I don't want to be too hopeful but I cannot remember being this nauseated or tired the last two times. I don't have as severe a crinone reaction; but will whinge about headaches and gall bladder pain of a lesser degree at another point when I have forgotten this.

On a sadder note: I missed a call from a great friend, when I called her back she told me that an old Melbourne Goth had passed over from a brain anuerysm. She was a friend in a social sense, so we weren't that close. I might write a tribute for her over at LJ for those who would like a few memories of what a great person whe was. I just want to put a huge hug out there for all those missing her and mourning her. She was a good person and the world needs more of those. For me I will remember her as the first person who challenged my boundaries in BDSM and perceptions of people. I'm not going to insult her by trying to remember how to spell her name (I'm notoriously bad at spelling names) so simply;

Vale, A. Too short lived, for long loved.
Thoughts to family and friends
Angels to watch over all
Rest in Peace, A.

I'm going to go rest now. I have an early start in the morning then two days off (before 5 days straight.) I might coffee and chocky first. I feel like I'm avoiding many of my other favourite things: soft cheeses, long hot baths, sushi: so I figure I get some treats.

I'm happy to receive recipes and advice on foods; please remember I am coeliac and lacto ova vegetarian.

The blastocytes they didn't put in didn't survive, so no bub-sicles for back up.

I need lots of prayers and hope at the moment but am finding it so hard to find.

I'm thinking in honour of A that I'll call the one in my tummy Titania or Frank.

Blast [-o-cyt-]ing in to motherhood

2007-01-28T12:12:00.000+11:00

I have a blastocyte in my tummy, implanted yesterday.

It's at day 5 growth.

If all goes well at the blood test in a fortnight I am pregnant.

If not: they suggest you look at it like a delayed period and not a miscarriage, but this doesn't help. This is where Ziggy Stardust went byebye.

If all goes well the next hurdle is the first scan.

We lost "The spiders from Mars" at this one.

I called them by names so i didn't feel a drip talking to my tummy.

Ziggy Stardust came from a joke about having an alien inside; loving the alien; the alien being a Zygote... so in a long round about way the "Loving the alien" Bowie reference ended up ZS&TSFM. So when we had three blastocytes from last time the first one was Ziggy.

The backing group became the Spiders.

I'm looking for a cute name for this lots. We have three awaiting freezing; we find out how that goes tommorow.

I like the idea of a "Pun that flows". Mum called me Methusalah as she felt she was the oldest mum ever at 42.

My niece's little boy called his brother a jelly bean when he saw the ultrasound photo so she had a Jelly-bean in her jelly belly. I swear I still cannot eat Jelly beans around Josh for fear of questions.

The Boi andI have decided not to tell people too soon this time. my fear comes in having his niece aged almost 6 and Josh, 5, know what's going on and ask uncomfortable questions if things don't work.

Boi get's this.

Also it means less crap about MIL who "know" and buy innappropriate presents. (If she ever reads this, HORMONES, I SWEAR!) MIL rocks but can be a little difficult to cope with as she is such an optimist. When I reach 3 months I'll be doing the "I've got some ideas on maternity clothes... can you help?" so I can dress comfortable without losing me.

We've decided not to do (read, The Boi's told me he doesn't like it) the releasing options on names too early. I still favour the idea of calling them/ it/ him/ her after a family member who's passed over or has a big impact on us. I'm thinking his side for boy my side for girl. Is this TMI? I guess I'll find out.

Stuill, all in all we got the coolest little picture of our blastocyte yesterday. The crinone has not yet decided my gall bladder is it's new worst enemy, and the nausea this time is almost bearable.

All positives.

The lighter side of fertility and kids... and an update.

2007-01-26T11:51:00.000+11:00

And while we are on it: the next step is Crinone gel. This made me feel like I was passing gallstones last time so I am so very happy to be on it again. On the up side; my boobs have gone up a cup size during the process and the migraines have stopped. On the down side I still feel like I've been cut open around my abdomen and I have no libido.

I call between one and two to get the time for tomorrow.

Something I started a little while back.

2007-01-26T11:44:00.000+11:00

I might finish this one day. Anyone ou there got some favourite quotes about our beautiful country from an outsiders perspective?

"Austria! Well, then. G'day mate! Let's put another shrimp on the barbie!"
-Lloyd, Dumb and Dumber

"Don't worry about the world coming to an end today. It is already tomorrow in Australia."

-Charles Schultz

"Where the hell is Australia anyway?"
- Britney Spears

I like it [Australia] a lot, I think it's a terrific country; they really know how to live. The natural history of the place is endlessly fascinating.
by Bill Bryson

One of the strongest prejudices that one has to overcome when one visits Australia is that created by the weird jargon than passes for English in this country.
Valerie Desmond

Someone give me a box of tissues

2007-01-26T11:36:00.000+11:00

OK... I've raved at everyone to go read Miss Politics blog. Seriously. All four rock. Her one on the Fae is beautiful, her wiccan blog is informative and her recipes are yummy! (More please.)

Then there is her main blog. I don't always agree with her, we are human after all and if I agreed 100% with her she could accuse me of stalking and ask me to stay at least 50m away from her blog at all times. ;p

Then she does this.

How could I not love this womyn?

Thankyou.

Ten reasons I am proud to be Australian.

2007-01-26T11:09:00.000+11:00

1) Freedom of speech. You wouldn't be able to say this in many other countries without fear of great retribution. The worst Miss Politics can expect is some personal abuse and a lively debate over the issues she raises. Then again, I wouldn't be able to say many of the things I've said here. (Think about China and Google.)

2) We have a boeard of selectors who have a sense of humour when it comes to Australian of the year and give it to a guy who is raising awareness about climate change to be presented by Mr Head in the sand himself, Howard.

3) We can laugh at ourselves. I awoke this morning to an announcer playing "The National Anthem" as proposed by Monty Python; very simply "Australia, Australia, Australia, we love you." How cool is that?

4) As a female I can determine my own fertlity, I am not subjected to a dress code designed to prevent heat exhaustion and wind burn 2000 years ago (thinking burkhas), I have a right to education, to not be beaten, married off to a stranfer, killed or raped as a "cultural norm". The list is endless. I also live in a country with enough food and clean water for me to decide to follow my heart on an ethical issue and not be forced to eat meat because it's the only thing available.

5) Our love of the under dog and tendency to cut down "Tall Poppies". Come on? Who out there doesn't have a soft spot for the "Little Aussie Battler" while loving to see people like Ray Martin put in their box?

6) We have gun restrictions. We have this as we try to fix our problems in a sensible way, not deny they exist purely because a right wing organisation has a bigger lobby group than the families of those left behind in the many massacres.

7) Our music: I love Oz Rock, and even have on video many of the Australian Music Festivals when they were broadcast. I am proud to say the I own more Australian music than stuff from overseas. I also love our films, our artists and our authors (despite me collection of mainly English writers.)

8) I love how the country changes constantly, and every side she shows has in it beauty. Sure; Bushfires are bad, but the changes in the scenery though frightening are also hauntingly beautiful. I would love to remove the death of these fires, and the loss to personal property, but the regrowth after shows how much bigger the country is thatn a few people.

9) Our wildlife. Lets face it, it's pretty unique. Platypuses; a sure sign god was on drugs when she designed a few of the animals. More importantly a sure sign that the creators of the dream time left some of the dreams behind them.

Wombats must be my favourite, followed a very close second by fairy (or whatever the fuck we are calling them now) penguins.

10) Our use of language.

Strewth, Mate, you know I'm not coming the raw prawn. You'd have to be some kind of drongo not to see the colourful spin we put on words. Faaark! It's got more texture than a Pollock on the pavement after a dead horse and fly. Those Seppoes mightn't get it,. but hey, no worries... eh, Cobba?

Sadly it's also on the way out...

But mostly I guess I just love how no matter how bad it gets we have a strange sense of optimism;

"Me wife just got pulled in to the combine harvester... still... could be worse. At least I'll save on blood and bone this year."

Unless it effects the sport:

"Bloody drought, can't water the pitch for the cricket. They're sayin' it might impact on the Footy (AFL not Soccer, ARL or Union.) And the Greens for the bowls are lookin' pretty yellow. Still, it's not stoppin' the tennis."

So: Having gotten all of that out of my system.

I'd like to wish everyone a happy Australia Day.

I'd also like to apologise to the Indigenous people of this land for all the hurt and crap we have put them through. Thank you for sharing your beautiful culture and country with us. We are blessed.

Just For Fun

2007-01-25T11:10:00.000+11:00

I followed a link at Anonymous Lefty out of curiosity... seems I'm pretty spot on in what I think I am...

Greens	Australian Democrats	Labor Party	Family First	Liberal Party	National Party	One Nation
90.6%	80.8%	74.5%	43.8%	33.5%	27.9%	19.7%

Political outlook

Your broad political orientation score is -65.3%, which equates to a ‘Left’ position

Economic policy

Your economic policy score score is -50%. This equates to a ‘Left’ position

Social policy

Your social policy score is -69.5%. This equates to a ‘Left’ position

Traditional values

Your traditional values score is -75.6%. This equates to a ‘Far Left’ position

Yep, thought so.

I must say I thought I would rank higher on the Democrat scale than the Green, but I am happy with the outcome. It reflects a good general overview of where I am politically. Some of the questions were a bit confusing in their wording, but over all a quiz that was well worded and thought out.

IVF: Ohhhh slaps wrist to forehead, The Pain!

2007-01-25T10:30:00.000+11:00

Seeing as I can barely move from the sharp shooting pains in my abdomen following two days of work and the harvest on Monday I'm killing time by doing memes that I was lagging on and posting crap on this site.

I start the gel tonight and we transfer on Saturday; I need to call and find out the time in the one hour window they open on Australia Day.

My employer continues to be so lovely about all of this that I want to cry. I told her I needed Saturday and she gave me the weekend and an open Monday. If I go back on Monday she wants me doing the fiddly things and not pushing myself to hard to fast. How lucky am I?

Surfing around I found a few blogs had commented on the AD's antiracism stance by calling them unAustralian. Quotes out of context (but hey, you gotta expect that from people who feed of the teat of the Murdoch Media). Once again peoples: they support the flag not the abuse of it by racist yobbos who want to use it as a symbol of hate. Think the KKK in the US using the Stars and Stripes as a motive on their uniforms. Do you think that even the most open minded Senator would support this as "freedom of speech" or lament the degradation of the flag by using it as a symbol of hatred.

I don't know what images stuck with others of the Cronulla riots but in my mind I see the violence perpetrated by thsoe wearing the flag.

As Senator Bartlett said, and I paraphrase here, it's unAustralian to use the flag in such a way.

Having said that the blogs who've ran with this story have a higher readership than they deserve and about as much credibility in what they are saying as Howard has time for multiculturalism. (I'm primarily thinking Mr "Innaugral Blog Award".)

A much bigger travesty is seeing Amanda Vanstone kicked out of the cabinet by Howard. I became a fan of sorts during her appearances on Good News Week. She also gets kudos for her "It's better to be big in the backside than to have bulldust for brains." comment. I didn't like her politics at times; but then she had an unenviable job to do.

In other news Herr Bolt is back; see the Boi's blog and Bolt Watch for a good summary of why this stinks. I'm not linking directly to Bolt, he gets enough coverage at the HereallDumb.

Ok, that's me ranted out.

IVF: quick update

2007-01-23T21:04:00.000+11:00

We went for the harvest yesterday; 5 harvested.

They called today to tell us that 4 have divided, so transfer is Saturday.

Prayers, fingers crossed, whatever you think might help people.

Thanks for all those who've shown support.

More details when I have time.

It's not just the Greens...

2007-01-23T19:04:00.000+11:00

Sometimes, the media make a mistake. It happens, little details are misrepresented to push an agenda that to the average person seems hidden or non existent.

Like discrediting a political party who disagrees with the cross media ownership laws.

How do you do this? You put a headline in your banner saying "Australian Democrats back ban on flag at Big Day Out" then don't follow it up at all.

For the truth go here.

As Senator Bartlett says:

Democrats' Deputy Leader, Senator Andrew Bartlett says calls by government MPs to cancel the Big Day Out music festival shows how thin their commitment is to free speech and so-called Australian values.

"The approach of the Big Day Out organisers might not be the best way to go, but they should be congratulated for trying to stand up against racism and the misuse of the Australian flag," Senator Bartlett said.

"Andrew Robb has preached long and loud about everyone needing to have 'Australian values', yet when a major festival seeks to prevent misuse of the Australian flag, he calls for their event to be banned!"

"Anyone who thinks that racists don't use our flag as a way to try to justify their putrid creed still has their head buried in the sands of Cronulla beach."

"Being proud of your country shouldn't mean being blind to its flaws, and being proud of your flag is all the more reason to refuse to let it be used by bigots and racists."

"Giving an uncritical approval to anything as long as it has the Australian flag wrapped around it is a sure fire way to encourage misuse of the flag," Senator Bartlett concluded.

Seek the truth from more sources then Today or that thingy on 7 in the morning.

Day Ten

2007-01-18T15:34:00.000+11:00

After yesterdays rant on the bad advice out there I though I'd try a more positive spin on the things they tell you to do.

Fertility plus IVF Hints is exactly what it says it is. It's a site dedicated to helping those who are trying to conceive.

Some of the advice in at this site is stuff I wish someone had told me last time.

This gem may explain why I am so tired at the moment; and nope, I don't think it's iron, folate or protein as I am taking lots of good iron and folate supplements and keeping protein levels well up.

Rest is very important, even before transfer. All those developing eggs are taking up a lot of space and energy.

I'd have liked this information for all the times I bashed myself up over wanting to sleep all day, or sitting down for five minutes and waking up two hours later.

I love this one: The main IVF hint is to pamper yourself! An IVF cycle is a very stressful thing and anything that helps you through it without harming a potential baby is okay! Which gives me an excuse to have long baths and go shopping.

They then drop this one: Small amounts of alcohol will probably not adversely affect you or your eggs, but caffeine has been shown to affect fertility, even in small amounts, so try to avoid it. So I can drink a little but need to give up coffee and coke. So much for pampering myself. I wonder if I just cut back and drink good quality coffee only if that will do? I already have caffeine free tea so it's really only my coffee intake I need to consider.

It can be very comforting to find someone, either in cyberspace or in person, that is in a similar situation (factor, cycle) that you can share stories and progress with. I'm using this blog and reading others to normalise the entire process. I never really had that last time. I talked alot to the Boi, and random strangers, but not to anyone who'd experienced the smae type of IVF as we were going to need. Those I had talked to went through a different process; not icsi, no harvests.

While I'm at it; if you want to understand IVF from an easy to read and very informative professional site; try Repromed. It's Australian, easy to navigate, and brilliantly easy to read.

OK, now where were we? Oh, yeah... The extra fluid your developing follicles are taking up and being NPO before retrieval can sometimes cause constipation. Increasing your consumption of fiber and fluids as you approach egg retrieval may help alleviate this. So drinking litres of water due to the heat and wanting to eat lots of fruit is a very good thing.

I'm not going to recreate the site here for everyone; go to the link. I love how it divides the advice up; isn't preachy; is easy to read without using lots of jargon; doesn't hype chances but offers a realistic perspective; doesn't suggest things that give false hope (like eating pomegranates so the body learns to love the seeds and make it easier to concieve; seriously; I was told this by more than one person.) The site is by patients for patients.

I'm the first one to admit my reviews aren't the best, but I hope others can get some help from this one and use the site.

On a home front: Got some housework done today so feel better on that level. I am hoping it either poors or stops drizzling so I know what to do with the basket of wet washing. I purchased a cute top today marked down from $50 to $20 which I ended up paying $10 for. The weather isn't as hot (bonus) but is muggy. Headaches are not too bad today but bad taste in mouth from Synarel not disappearing.

We are heading out for dinner tonight so that should be fun; as long s the Boi's niece doesn't want to play "Mummy's, you be the mummy." That kills me. And it's so innocent I can't growl about it. She also asks when we are having kids. Anyone else gets the serve, but if your under 6 I figure it's innocence or programming and not your fault.

Anyway; might go to Eastland and do some more browsing; get some chunky jewellery.

Out of curiosity is it rude to give a person a 40th birthday card for their 39th with "almost" inserted everywhere? I think it's funny, but you never know with hormones.

Final word to La Cosby: “Through humor, you can soften some of the worst blows that life delivers. And once you find laughter, no matter how painful your situation might be, you can survive it.” Bill Cosby quotes

Bad advice for those with a family member who is infertile; part one.

2007-01-17T20:39:00.000+11:00

OK; I have to say in my search for information and support through out the process this time I have encountered some strange sites. I'm calling this Part One as I am sure I will come across some more... or even better have others give me unsolicited advice.

Let's start with a Christian Support Group.

As a Catholic what we are doing is a mortal sin (due to the loss of embryos, it's equated with abortion, why do you think Tony Abbot doesn't like it?). This is one of the many reasons I am no longer Catholic. So when I stumbled across a site dedicated to supporting infertile Christians I was intrigued.

It begins:

Infertility and Friendship

I know you, as a friend of a couple waiting for that most special Gift
from God, never mean to be insensitive. Sometimes though it may be hard
for you to understand the anguish they are feeling when......Your sweet two year old, all in the five minutes you left him, methodically put all the trash you thought you had up out of his reach, in the middle of the living room, tore off his diaper and smeared all the good stuff in it on your kitchen floor and then threw up all over your clean carpet. Of course this also happens to be the time your Mother-in Law (who is a fanatic about housecleaning) is due to stop in any minute! Or when your precious little girl tells, well... everyone, that she has a boo boo on her wee wee and "do you want to see it?" Yes, but for all this, that child is still precious, and to the Couple In Waiting, those life scenes can seem out of reach and oh so heart wrenching.
OK, lets consider this: Most special gift from God; hm mm, what does this involve? Those born with horrific retardation? If you don't like it can you return it?

The examples they give of why you might find it hard to understand how anyone would find not having a child hard are about as well thought out an argument as, say, firing off a rant at another blog for being arseholes because they attacked your opinion when you had attacked theirs.

If someone told me about a child that smeared shit all over the floor and emptied out bins I'd offer them a pack of condoms and a strong drink. I wouldn't get all teary about not having a child. In fact, i think I'd pop the champers and celebrate not having a "Gift from God" that is the Devil's spawn.

And seriously, if your mother-in-law is such a cow that she cannot understand the temperament of a two year old and his creative expression of self then you've got bigger problems than a shitty floor.

Know what I'd do? Clean the kid up, dump him on Grandma and ask her to take him for a walk so I could clean up his mess. Or even better; call Grandma, explain the situation, ask her if she could be a dear and grab something for morning tea and get the brat to help before going to bed.

And as for the "boo boo on my wee wee" example? I'd be more worried how she got it in the first place to give a flying fuck who she offered to show.

So what do they tell those supporting this couple deprived of a gift from God?

Please Don't Say: "This must be the will of God for your life."-
That may be, but if you lost a loved one to death, would
you really want someone to say that to you in your grief?

Please Do Say: "Can I pray with you about this"?

Please Don't Say: "You can always adopt a child"- True, and adoption
is a blessing for a lot of people, but for many women they still feel the
need to bear a child. Consider Proverbs 30:15-16,..."There are three
things that are never satisfied, four that never say, 'enough'!: the grave,
the barren womb, land, which is never satisfied with water, and fire,
which never says, 'Enough!'

Please Do Say: "I will pray for you fervently and ask the Lord to bless
you and give you the desire of your heart".

If someone asks if they can pray with me about this they better hope I'm in Happy Hormone Land at the time. Yep, you can pray for me. Just don't shove your beliefs down my throat at this time.

You can laugh at my Wicca practices as "cute little coping methods", I'll do the same to your need to pray to an imaginary invisible man who, if I believed in him as the Bible describes, would have ordained this as part of his great plan.

Oh, btw, "imaginary invisible man" is a George Carlin quote.

As for the adoption thing? Don't get me started on the impossible nature of adopting locally in Australia and all the hassles of international adoption. Or the cow (yes, I want to use the "other" C word but am restraining myself) who called up a discussion on 774 ABC AM to tell people IVF is the ultimate act of selfishness when so many children need a home.

I would like to eventually foster children though, but then you have the heart ache of giving them back.

I'm going to leave you with a Maya Angelou quote: "I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.”

Day nine: The scan results.

2007-01-17T20:31:00.000+11:00

To summarise today's events:

Blood tests show my hormone levels are in the right range.

Ultra Sound (Internal, how nice, it's like sex with a robot without the orgasm or the dignity.) showed lots of follicles all ready for harvesting.

So; two more days of injections of puregon. Two and a half days more of Synarel. Injection Saturday night to release eggs. Harvest Monday.

WOOHOO!!!!

No sex for 3 to 5 days, so that the Boi can do his bit.

*sob*

I still think that calling the results Petri would be cool; that's where it was conceived and we can say we are going for a variation on it's dad's name. ;p

To round out todays post, a quote on infertility.

There are highly gifted spirits who are always infertile simply because, owing to a weakness in temperament, they are too impatient to wait out their pregnancy to term. -
Friedrich Nietzsche

Day eight: Scan in the morning.

2007-01-16T21:02:00.000+11:00

So... It's hot, I'm feeling very ditsy and moody. I have no energy to do anything. All of this and a scan in the morning to count follicles.

If all goes well we harvest Friday or Monday. If not, we begin again when my next cycle starts.

A lot rides on the number of those little follicles.

I feel like a battery hen that knows she'll be sent to the slaughter house if her egg production isn't good enough.This photo of my fat belly (I've lost two kilos and we think it's off my thighs and bottom, less cellulite. The drugs increase weight gain around my middle.) also shows my bruising from the injections earlier in the week... you know the one that I said speared each cell? (I do like that it's rounded and up front like I'm second trimester already. I don't like that it makes it a bitch to find clothes.)

SO: if tomorrow goes well the next post will be happy and uplifting; if the numbers aren't good then the next post may be sometime coming as I pick myself up all over again.

Oh.. yeah... Synarel headaches getting worse. Some how when working all day I don't notice them as much.

Back to the Golden Globes.

Day seven

2007-01-15T20:16:00.000+11:00

So; after much deliberation I decided to talk to my new bosses today about IVF. The last time I did this I ended up fired over something I didn't do. Was I scared? Yes, as I could envision it all going pear shape again.

I couldn't of been more wrong. My supervisor is great and very understanding. I just have to keep her in the loop and give my best at the job. She has also asked me not to discuss this with anyone else at work so that's cool.

I am now feeling blessed.

All I need now is more hours. (An apparent slow spot in the tourist trade so I will only have 5 rostered days this fortnight but that might change in a second.)

This has removed one stress from the process.

I am so lucky. I am so loved and supported.

AND I am not working those three stinking hot days we have coming up.

YAHOO!!!!

Distraction from IVF for a moment.... Day six...

2007-01-14T22:42:00.000+11:00

1.WHAT COLOR ARE YOUR KITCHEN PLATES?
Our plates are white; courtesy of many people and wedding presents.

2.WHAT BOOK ARE YOU READING NOW?
Science of the Discworld 2; the Globe.

3.WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE BOARD GAME?
Trivial Pursuit

4.LEAST FAVORITE SMELLS?
Melena.

5.FAVORITE COLOR?
Purple

6.LEAST FAVORITE COLOR?
Watermelon pink or lime green.

7.HOW MANY RINGS UNTIL YOU ANSWER THE PHONE?
five.

8.FUTURE CHILD'S NAME?
Um... the Boi doesn't like it when I reveal these things...

9.CHOCOLATE OR VANILLA?
Vanilla milkshakes, coffee and ice cream... chocolate all else.

10.DO YOU LIKE TO DRIVE FAST?
Um... yeah...

11.DO YOU SLEEP WITH A STUFFED ANIMAL?
Nope: two cats and the Boi. I do have a collection of stuffed toys though.

12.DO YOU LIKE THUNDERSTORMS?
Yes; they turn me on.

13.WHAT WAS YOUR FIRST CAR?
1987 Holden Camira SLX; and I miss her. She was called Little Bitch Blue and could tell my moods and how tired I was. When I was very tired and probably dangerous behind the wheel she wouldn't work. When I was upset she'd tell me to "check engine."

14.WHAT IS YOUR SIGN?
"Cattle Crossing"

15.DO YOU EAT THE STEMS OF BROCCOLI?
Yes, but not the big thick one.

16.IF YOU COULD HAVE ANY JOB WHAT WOULD IT BE?
Extra in movies and on TV. That way I could fulfill a dream without the negative side of fame; I've also done this job and was happier and healthier than ever.

17.IF YOU COULD HAVE ANY COLOR HAIR, WHAT WOULD IT BE?
Dark Auburn bordering on Burgundy. Or purple.

18.IS THE GLASS HALF FULL OR HALF EMPTY?
This depends on the day. At the moment the glass is overflowing. Last evening for a while it was broken.

19.FAVORITE MOVIE?
Breakfast at Tiffany's.

20.DO YOU TYPE WITH YOUR FINGERS ON THE RIGHT KEYS?
yes.

21.WHAT'S UNDER YOUR BED?
Floor boards, dust bunnies.

22.YOUR SINGLE BIGGEST INTENSE PAIN?
Not being able to let things go.

23.PERSON(S) YOU SENT THIS TO WHO IS MOST LIKELY TO RESPOND?
I'm not sending this to anyone. I'm doing this as a narcissistic snapshot of where I am during a rather difficult time.

24.WHO IS LEAST LIKELY TO RESPOND?
See above.

26.WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE SEASON?
Autumn.

27.THE BEST PLACE YOU HAVE EVER BEEN?
The end of the Middle Brighton pier at sunset.

28.WHAT SCREEN SAVER IS ON YOUR COMPUTER RIGHT NOW?
None; but our wallpaper is of the FSM.

29.FAVORITE FAST FOOD?
Hot Chips with gravy.

30.WHAT IS YOUR BIRTH NAME?
My birth certificate says "Cathryn Mary Hayward."

Day five

2007-01-13T21:52:00.000+11:00

To try and remove myself from the situation today I thought I'd read others experiences. This might normalise some of the feelings that I'm having today. Before i explore the up side of IVF an update on how I am feeling: SHIT.

I'm moody in a bad way, feel like I am sulking, cooking even though the temperature is reasonable (i.e. not 30C) and have an overwhelming need to cry but cannot seem to achieve this. Oh, yeah, and my tummy hurts where I was injected this morning.

Blogs of interest or note on this topic:

Ugot2beKidding: a series of light hearted posts that made me laugh. Nikki's most recent ones are of the "things that made me laugh" rather than the heavier "oh woe is my empty uterus" styling. This might be as she is in her second trimester!

My favourite post from todays read was Twelve Days of Christmas. It made me laugh out loud, which is a good thing at this time.

Next I stumbled over Jenny From The Infertility Block. She's one of the founders of cyclesista; a blog role of who is undergoing treatment at this time. She's going through all the fun of pregnancy too. This is giving me much hope. Her Miss Manners post should be available on a t-shirt. Many girlfriends have commented on the invasion of personal space that happens during pregnancy and I think she has captured the overall feeling in this post.

My Fave quote from this site?

Don't tell me it will be easier to get pregnant the second time - if sperm doesn't swim, it doesn't get any easier

Next we have that Dynamo Dad himself, Aussie Max from Sydney. I love getting a different perspective on the whole process. Sometimes I fear that the Boi isn't telling me all that he is feeling about this, so reading males blogs on infertility and parenthood helps to fill some of this gap.

Max has a way of putting things that makes me smile and cry. His views on the language differences between here and the US, highlighted in the debate on "rooting" is funny, his diabetes and donuts rant spot on and his quest to lose weight heart warming (especially as a female trying to do the same thing. It's nice to here a guy struggle.)

Max isn't afraid to put himself out there. I like this.

Baby Quest has a long section of infertility humour. Some of it's cringe worthy. Some of it doesn't translate to Oz. Miss Quest has PCOS so her condition is tricky and the treatments are somewhat different from those that I have experienced. The worst I can expect is not enough eggs for harvest. She might develop cysts and lose her ovaries all together with the treatments.

Ok... so I'm off to kill a neighbour playing doof-doof while my head hurts and my hormones are in "All men are evil and must be castrated for the good of the species" mode.

It's OK, I won't waste the corpse.

BBQ, our place, tommorrow.

We'll supply the meat. ;p

Day four...

2007-01-12T18:50:00.000+11:00

So, nothing new to report today.

Puregon injection went well this morning... I only felt every cell being speared on the way through but no bruising, which I am sure is what counts. The Boi does a great job considering that he has no medical training; as he says "I'm only an amateur gynaecologist but I'm happy to look in to it."

The Synarel is causing more headaches and starting to disrupt my sleep patterns. It's also impacting upon my moods. What credibility will I have left as a Goth if I keep wandering around with a grin on my face?

The Boi cleaned today so I was welcomed home to the scent of lemon. He also got his head shaved so he looks more like a teddy bear than ever and all I want to do is cuddle him while patting his number 3 cut.

Work was busy but well organised. It also wasn't too hot today, which is a bonus.

So, if you've read this you've lost a minute and a half of your life you'll never get back and learnt nothing new.

Still feeling like a battery hen... pumped full of hormones and awaiting eggs...

Dinner time.

Puregon

2007-01-11T18:49:00.000+11:00

Day three of the latest IVF cycle: today we start the injections of Puregon.

As the propaganda at the website states: It contains a hormone similar to the human hormone FSH (follicle stimulating hormone). This hormone causes eggs to become mature and ready for release by the ovary. The more eggs that mature, the greater the chance that one of them will be fertilized, leading to pregnancy.

So the side effects are not dissimilar to ovulating.

The Synarel headaches are getting worse.

No side effects from the Puregon yet; except a tender spot where my darling drug pusher injected me. There's no bruising at site though which is a bonus.

I tested myself in the "tears for no reason" stakes today. I began in the nappy isle of the Supermarket; NO TEARS. I then graduated to the baby section in Target and spent an hour cooing over the gorgeous baby clothing. I'm taking this as a good sign.

I read the Boi's entry which makes me sad, I know he will be a good provider and is worrying for no reason. How to get him to see this.

Anyway; I'm going to pass out in front of the TV and eat ice cream and chocolate topping to make me even fatter and it even harder for people to find my ovaries while watching crappy US sitcoms.

Syneral

2007-01-10T21:31:00.000+11:00

OK, so Aunt Flo came. This meant that this morning I got to start taking Syneral.

Syneral: this link gives a good idea of the uses and the effects.

So far: Vaguer than usual. This means that I found it hard to complete the work today at a pace I wanted to. It also means I have no tolerance for idiots around me. I get to be flaky; you don't.

I don't know if the Synarel or the prolonged ovulation fun means I am feeling totally bitchy; it could be the heat.
It could be the lack of sleep.
Maybe it's having no energy from working long hours and wanting to nest; so I spend all day cleaning others rooms and my own is an organised mess. (The Boi is great but he doesn't sterilise everything like I am currently in the need to do, nor is he vacuuming every five minutes or trying to toilet train the cats... all points against him at the moment.)

It could be messages about how the Boi is feeling like he's not fulfilling the hunter/gatherer role well enough so I can be a lazy cow and focus on the IVF. I know I've gotten this mixed up so "the Boi" please feel free to correct and give your side of this situation.

Headache from over hot and from Synarel; that was fun last time too.

So lets consider a direct quote from the above link:
"With regards to side effects, nafarelin commonly causes hot flushes, changes in sex drive, vaginal dryness, headaches, mood changes, acne, muscle pains, changes in menstrual bleeds, or decreased breast size, all of which relate to the lowering of oestrogen concentrations in the blood. It may also cause local irritation to the nose."

hot flushes: How can I tell with this f@#king heat?

changes in sex drive: Nope, not interested at this point due to heat. Does explain the whole not wanting to through the last two cycles on Synarel.

vaginal dryness: Like I check each day... unless you're having sex like rabbits who can tell?

headaches: Yes, big bad ones too. This could be dehydration but I don't think it is. They aren't migraines (I can still function) and drinking lots of water doesn't ease them. So I'd pretty much say yep, they cause headaches.

mood changes: What! I'm not a moody cow just because it's hot, I'm sleep deprived, I'm in the middle of a cycle and my house looks like a bombsite while I spend all day cleaning other peoples filth? Well that's a relief... and here was I thinking I could apply for a position writing for one of the many needless spite sites on the net. Bugger!

acne: Yes, but that could be connected to my cycle, the heat playing havoc with my skin, or not washing off the SPF 30+ I apply to my face every day properly. Let's blame the drugs though.

muscle pains: Yes. New job using muscles I haven't used in ages? Low tissue salt levels from sweating all day? Drug? I choose the drug, then I'm not as unhealthy as the first ones make me sound.

changes in menstrual bleeds: Might it be that I have enough iron and Folate in my diet meaning a heavier and less painful flow? Could it be the drugs? Is this just way too much information?

decreased breast size: Um... if I noticed this the post would be about them vanishing. It's title would be "Fifteen year old mosquito bites finally heeled." 'Nuff said.

local irritation to the nose: What? A drug taken nasally can irritate the nose? WOW! Whodathunkit. *Shakes head in amazement*

You can read the Boi's take on the return to IVF over at But You Read It... just push the link on the side.

Myself? I'm scared, confused, feeling like crap, tired, hot, moody and craving pickled onions and glasses of milk. I'm also nesting; so not having energy to clean my own space is shitting me.

Tomorrow it's the joy of the injections.

IVF; the next chapter.

2007-01-07T21:36:00.000+11:00

Once Lady Flo appears I am to start the next round of drugs for IVF. If all goes to plan within a month I will be implanted with a blastocyte. They are trying another technique which they have perfected since our miscarriage this time last year.

I'm anxious as this time last year I was on cloud 9; pregnant, new job, going well in my courses and volunteer work. Then I miscarried and got fired. I've probably ranted somewhere about the events surrounding that so I am attempting to apply my resolution for 2007 to this.

Oh, yeah, my resolution... don't sweat the small stuff, and it's all small stuff.

As things happen I'll keep people posted. When I am more awake I will post all the gruesome details about what drugs, procedures, etc we have... maybe a few photos of bruises from injections too.

New Job.

2007-01-07T21:10:00.000+11:00

I've been busy, which explains my slackness in the blogosphere lately.

I started my new job on Tuesday and since then have worked 41 hours. I'm cleaning rooms at a resort; which is much harder than I thought it would be. It's fun though, in a "learning new skills, eye to detail being honed, great people to work with" way.

Ten of the hours worked were in my usual job as an agency nurse. This was a nice juxtaposition to the cleaning but allowed me to get some practice in at a slower pace of some of the skills I had picked up over the past week.

What I've learnt so far:

It's more tiring work than any I have ever done before.

It is a high pressure environment but in a different way to Aged Care.

The industry has a lot of waste; 1/4 roles of T.P. are thrown out; not even put into a collective for use in the staff rooms like other places I have heard of do. The amount of soap that is wasted too. We throw out any soap that might of been used. I see the logic but once again would like to see it used in the staff rooms.
Either of these items could be thrown in to a collective pit; along with half containers of bath salts, partly used containers of shampoos, conditioners and body washes; for use by staff off site.
I'd love to use the leftover soaps to experiment with soap making; you grate it down, melt it with some water then cast it. Plain white soaps would allow for me to learn technique and mixing ratios, also in making hand and bath liquid soaps.
I know why they don't do this; but as a person trying to reduce the depth of the footprint she leaves on the planet any waste is a sore point.

The industry is water intensive; fortunately they grey water store the bathrooms and kitchens water for use on the vines and gardens. They also have large water tanks to catch what little rain there is for use in the pools and baths at the health spa side of things.

There is never enough linen; ever; in aged care or hospitality.

Though tired and sore, I am happier than I have been in ages which is a bonus. I am also starting to feel healthier which is a bonus.

Happy New Year...

2006-12-31T16:50:00.000+11:00

Happy New Year everyone.
May it be safe and prosperous.

Hope you all get lots of hugs and kisses at midnight.
Here's an early hug.

Commercial dreamings

2006-12-23T13:29:00.000+11:00

I'm not a big fan of recieving presents; if you're going to give me something give me ox fam stuff that helps others or give me vouchers for books.

My 6 for this weekend (after a fortnights break due to being so busy) is my 6 point Santa list.

1) I'd like all the Pratchett stuff I am missing; especially the books and the latest screen interpretation of on of his books: Hogfather.

2) The catch up on the James Patterson books wouldn't go astray either.

3) While we are talking books; the latest Foxtrot anthologies would be very nice.

4) New lingerie, especially undies, teddies, p'j's and bustierres.

5) Shoes: ballerina style in a range of colours. Black, 3 pair, canvas, matte and patent; Red patent; Baby Pink matte and an off white that would go with jeans in a canvas. (I have a shoe addiction and this style is the most comortable.)

6) My roster for the new year so I know when I can start working fixed hours.

On a higher note:

1) Troops out of Iraq and peace in that country.

2) Clean water for all those areas in desperate need of it.

3) An end to the drought in Australia.

4) Better funding for community aid organisations that help at a grass roots level.

5) An end to duck hunting in Australia, and the hunting of any other native creature stopped. (If you need to shoot things, take your agression out on the feral rabbits, foxes and pigs.)

6) A cure for male infertility caused by antibodies that is not going to have major side efects and will mean that more couples can conceive naturally.

Quote: John Lennon. Merry Christmas; War is over.

A Cat's Christmas.

2006-12-20T11:29:00.000+11:00

'Twas the night before Christmas
and all through the house
Not a creature was stirring,
not even a mouse.

'Cuz the cat had pounced on him
and tore him apart-
Ate his mousey intestines
And chewed up his heart.

Kitty thought he heard sleigh bells,
which made him take pause-
He stopped daintily licking
the blood from his claws.

"Must be Santa" thought Kitty
(that quite clever cat)
'Cuz nobody else climbs down
the chimney like that.

Indeed it was ol' Santa,
so jolly and fat
With a load of presents
and all for the cat!

"Wow, the best Christmas ever!"
Kitty thought with a purr,
Then he coughed up a hairball
and shed some more fur.

From:

Humor about Animals
Christmas Humor for Dogs and Cats

If it was only this easy...

2006-12-17T01:20:00.000+11:00

I sometimes fear that my children will read all the Calvin And Hobbes stuff I have; or Foxtrot; and take notes. It cheers me up though and helps keep my sense of humour going during IVF.

Four more sleeps till Solstice.

Eight Days To Summer Solstice.

2006-12-13T15:33:00.000+11:00

I don't know where I got this originally, it says it so well.

I'm thinking of having it reproduced as my Solstice card this year.

The first law of Wicca though is "First, do no harm." and I think this might cause people hurt, so I can't and remain true to myself. Sometimes I think I'm as wishy washy as Charlie Brown.

Returning to IVF: TMI WARNING.

2006-12-12T10:26:00.000+11:00

We're returning to IVF after taking a year off so that we could get life back on track after the miscarriage. We used the time well, I finished my Counselling course, we got married and have started exploring options for home based businesses so i can be an at home mum.

It hasn't been an easy twelve months. It was this time last year I had pretty much everything; a job I enjoyed that looked like I'd be able to pick up a few more nights, first trimester of pregnancy, my course was going well, we were in a good spot to buy a property. It couldn't of been much better.

Then the spotting started and my hormone levels dropped, we miscarried. I took time of work to come to terms with the miscarriage, on return it was alleged I had given milk to a lactose intolerant resident and therefore wasn't "reading care plans properly" and I was fired. Over the phone actually, at the time I was to be undergoing a D&C if the flow of blood hadn't started.

I started to fear that everything would go wrong so some of my marks in the first semester for the 2nd year of the course reflect that. I resumed journalling to sort my thoughts out a little more. I couldn't find "Felice's Place" to continue and didn't want to just use my live journal for releasing disappointment and hurts at this time. (Felice; Spanish for happiness, cat in Ira Levin's novel Slivers and also feminine form of Felix.) I wanted a place I could be as daggy and untogether as I could but feel safe in doing that.

As is me, I give too much information so anonymity is not something I was expecting. I like to support people and don't like sites dedicated to the denigration of others, so I stood up for someone who had made a genuine mistake and have been attacked in my little self indulgent haven... it felt like nothing could get worse.

My father getting worse (he's 81 and health issues are a big thing), his remaining siblings in palliative stages of cancer and emphysema, added a new dimension to emotional lows. The Boi's Pop (91) bouncing back and forth from ACF to hospital with increasingly worse lung conditions compounded the hurts.

It wasn't all bad; babies were born, the Boi proposed, we went to some great concerts and new friendships moved from strength to strength, and I slowly grew stronger in myself. I rediscovered my love of politics and why I ran in the first place, and dedicated myself to learning more for the next attempt.

I learnt to let go of the pains that kept me awake at night and started to channel emotions into creativity again. I rediscovered my artistic side and my poetic voice, my ways to express myself without the reworkings of others. Some of the pieces are flawed but over all I'm happy with the results. Stream of consciousness vents that have appeared in crayons are more flawed then some other pieces.

So now we are returning to IVF; in a month to be exact. I don't know how I feel about this. I'm excited but scared. Will the hormonal emotion and weight cycle begin over? Will my left ovary be easier to see? Will we be attacked by the Christian Right again because we want a child? Will we have enough eggs? Will they take?

Scared? Yes. Hopeful? Very Yes.

Honey Moon

2006-12-09T15:12:00.000+11:00

View of the sky from the car park where we got Chinese on Wednesday Night.
The effect is caused by the Bush fires. The photo was taken at 6pm.

The View from where we stayed. This was taken as soon as we got there on Sunday.
This shot was taken from the front porch of Bedaki Cottage at Wandiligong. Photo taken at about 6 so you can compare the effect of the fires.

The Bedaki SC B&B we stayed in. Small but in that cosy way.
I recommend that people get up there after the fires have gone and support the local economy.
Lots of fun to be had in the district; wineries, cheese shops, chocolate shops, lots of fine food.

1)The best place for GF was Myrtleford, but we found many places in Bright itself that catered for Coeliacs, vegetarians and vegans.

2) The best non food public fun had was at the Wandiligong Maze. $9 entry for adults but well worth it to support this heritage site.

3) My favourite wine was at Boynton's; the sauvignon blanc semillion. The Boi recommends the Gapstead Merlot.

4) Nicest cheeses: Milawa cheese factory. Try the chevrel. YUM!

5) Nicest Chocolate: Milawa Chocolate Shop: Chili Chocolate bits! Cinnamon Hearts! No Gluten. No peanuts.

6) Best night: Tuesday. Strip and dare poker. OK, so it's childish; but with a little imagination it can also be very adult. The idea is you lose an article every time you lose a hand. When you have no more clothes to lose you start having to perform. If you cannot perform the other person can put on an article of clothing. No dares that mean the person might get hurt. I started off getting the Boi to do some silly things before we got serious. (Silly things included "Impersonate your favourite male porn star", for which he chose a scene from Orgasmo through to "Foot massage and you can't make me laugh.") Lots of clean fun. TMI?

7) Scariest thing: Not knowing if we would need to evacuate at anytime. We didn't know when we headed up that the fires would be a risk, and as the Boi said "we would of gone anyway." I would not of changed a thing during the week away; but if I had one I could chose it would be "No fires." This goes for the state not just the region.

8) Most aggravating thing: My mother calling to ask me to stop in at the Wangaratta Woolen mills to get her some baby wool. Followed closely by it all having to end.

So, lots of fun had. When I get photos I'll post about the ceremony and the wedding. it's good to be back but I wish we had longer.

Answers and admissions.

2006-11-30T23:57:00.000+11:00

Answers:

This is not an attack on the Greens; I have some questions that I cannot find answers to on their site. I support the Greens for what they are trying to achieve, but my vote and heart lies elsewhere.

1) Do the Greens support Methadone as a way to reduce the number of people on Heroin? If so why. If not; do they have another option for those who want help beyond safe injection rooms.

2) Are the attacks on Garrett connected to a perception that he has somehow betrayed the Greens by supporting the party he is now a member of or an attack because he no longer is a Green but jumped ship (did a Kernot) in the hope of raising the profile of environmental issues in Australia?

3) For a group that advocates many of the same things that the Democrats do why are they dividing the vote between the two parties and not trying to reconcile the differences in a hope of gaining more power? (Historically my understanding is it has been the Democrats who open a topic in Parliament and the Greens who get the publicity; if we could harness this I feel we must surely be able to become a strong viable third party option. Is this my naivete? First person to raise the royal fucking over we got from a former member when she was leader gets tied down and talked to about Liberal policy and voting vs. selling out and being screwed over.)

4) Must you vote along party lines if you are a parliamentary member? Why?

5) Is it just media bias in the way they report the aftermath of a Green defeat or are the Greens totally unable to accept that some of the not getting people in to Parliament blame lies within the party? (As I said; this is not an attack. I feel the bias against reporting on the Dem's is costing us as much as some bull shit decision from ten years ago, so i can understand how the Greens might perceive it. I'm mostly curious.)

Admission:

OK; at about this point I should probably ask someone to edit this to remove wordiness, pretty up presentation and try to reduce the poorly worded thought processes. I'm not going to as I will be away from the computer for about a week (Honeymoon and Wedding.)

The last time a political piece I wrote was edited by someone other than me it was manipulated to fit a meter that didn't exist and resulted in stanzas not making sense so I am paranoid about editors too. (Hey, you try to get attention to a party not ALP in a Labor safe seat and tell me how you'd do it? Beyond eating pies and cross promoting Jester's Pies; animal products and gluten :( prose seemed a natural choice for me, especially as I was a regular performer at the Dan Poetry on Saturday for a year or more.) The fun one site has had with the poem amuses me. (Concatenate for those curious.) Still I stand by every poorly worded line in that piece. (FUCK! I think I've just really come out of the political cupboard... still, anyone using my full name will be edited. Unfair? Yes, but I respect others right to be anonymous to their own degree, I hope others will respect mine.)

Rehearsal And Table Settings

2006-11-28T10:47:00.000+11:00

OK, so we survived the rehearsal on Sunday with only a few hiccups.

Up for sale is one mother who insists I get my full name but contracts her own. Going cheep, well, she is an old bird.

Next item for consideration; three nervous children; very cute with early signs of stage fright. It should be OK on the day, but until then...

We had the future in-laws over to sort out table placement last night. My family plays happy family with undercurrent of animosity very well; but from the outside it's impossible to spot. We always assumed it was 7 children with very different personalities. The Boi's family have less underlying issues; but are more vocal about it. *Sigh* So table settings were fun.

One reshuffle of friends, one reposition for my family, and reorganise most of the Boi's side. This is cool. The final tables aren't far off what I wanted so I'm happy. Only one thing I'd have done differently; but that involves locking two people in a room and only letting the survivor emerge, or both when they've sorted their issues out. Family is fun.

Off to pick up dresses.

Hens Night

2006-11-26T02:33:00.000+11:00

Lots of fun had by all.

Lots of food problems; the vegan option wasn't, the gluten free wasn't, the desert was covered in peanuts. Rectifying all 3 caused more hassles than worth.

Venue shut at 1, sadly so did everything else in Richmond.

Cute guy doing raspberries in my ear and on my neck for part of night: 1.

Cute guy being someone I consider annoying little brother made this so icky; but very very funny.

Theatre restaurant performance was cliched and fan geekdom to the max; we sat there picking the movies and shows. (Head cast member came over and congratulated us on the picks as he heard some of the discussions.)

Unfortunate incidents involving body fluids: 2.

I cannot handle tequila, one shot and I threw up. (Stress, tequila and gluten not a good combination.) Splashed shoes and feet.

No toilets after everything shut so I went in an alley way. Splash on shoes and feet doubled with mysterious squelching noise under feet.

Embarrassing head wear/ hens wear: 2. One tiara, one flashing sign.

Most frequent Internet check ups: Election results, cricket score.

I had the best night. Pity the Boi wasn't there to share it.

Sleep now. Rehearsal tomorrow.

Final word to Luenig:

Love one another and you will be happy. It's as simple and as difficult as that.

Michael Leunig

Six things I hope to achieve in the next 6 years, 6 ways and 6 quotes.

2006-11-21T00:34:00.000+11:00

Aspirations:
1) Have a child.
2) Own our own home.
3) To run my own counselling practice; or to be in a place where I can earn through sales of hand crafted products.
4) Be published and paid for the piece they publish.
5) To fit the "Purple dress"; so that means I need to lose 15kg and not gain any back.
6) To be on my way to getting a degree in humanities or science.; philosophy (theosophical), literature, politics, forensics or psychology.

How I can achieve each:
1) IVF, hope and belief.
2) Find the right place and let the universe take it from there, with lots of hard work thrown in as well.
3) Get off butt and do something about it.
4) See 3; risk others criticism and send things off again; get a decent editor.
5) See 3 and 4. EXERCISE. Dietary changes.
6) Improve my skills as a writer and learn to study. Also learn how to write academically.

Quotes:

Greg Anderson:
When we are motivated by goals that have deep meaning, by dreams that need completion, by pure love that needs expressing -- then we truly live life.

Leo Burnett:
When you reach for the stars, you may not quite get them, but you won't come up with a handful of mud either.

Ralph Waldo Emerson:
Without ambition one starts nothing. Without work one finishes nothing. The prize will not be sent to you. You have to win it.

Les Brown:
You are never too old to set another goal or to dream a new dream.

Robert Schuller:
You are what you think about all day long.

Les Brown:
Your goals are the road maps that guide you and show you what is possible for your life.

Fast Food Nation Trailer

2006-11-18T17:43:00.000+11:00

I recommend people read the book as well as see the movie. My understanding is that the movie tries to dramatise what is happening in the book much in the same way that they dramatise the impact of quantum physics on the players in "What The Bleep". I read the book on the strength of the trailer (as I couldn't wait to see the movie). BTW I know this intro is clumsy; I'm about to run out the door at any minute so that the Boi and his friends can have a Buck's night here. I'm basically killing time till people arrive so that the Boi can get some sleep, he worked night shift last night and has not had much rest today.

Do You Want Lies With That?: McDonalds vs. FFN.

2006-11-18T00:07:00.000+11:00

The stuff in bold is taken from the McD's website. The rest is my opinion. I don't know how objective I can be as a vegetarian, a coeliac, and a person who doesn't buy things at large corporation owned fast food establishments. The book upon which the movie is based changed my eating and buying habits.

Our understanding is that the movie Fast Food Nation is a fictionalised thriller and features a storyline based around a fast food restaurant in the US.

Fiction? Read the book on which it is based; it is one of the better sociological impact studies written up in a manner that is easy to read and presents the information in such a way that it opens your eyes to the deeper damage done by corporations like McDonald's. It's only fictionalised in that it does not name corporations directly in the film (to my understanding; I am hoping to see it soon.)

Whilst this movie isn't about McDonald's, as so often is the case, by virtue of our size, we are the centre of debate.

Once again: READ THE BOOK! The book does not only attack McFecal Matter in Burgers but any of the corporations that actively campaign against OH&S laws in the US, primarily employ migrants with poor English and pay below poverty line wages. It is the size of McDonald's that makes it an easy target; but it's hypocrisy that makes it such an attractive one. ($1 from one product sold on one day to help the families of sick children? How much revenue does the RMCH make you each year?)

At McDonald's Australia we welcome an objective and fair discussion about issues important to our customers.

Issues important to our customers? It's important to me that if I buy a strawberry milkshake I get real strawberries and not an artificial strawberry flavour that includes nail polish remover. It's important to me that my fries aren't cooked in animal fat or coated in beef tallow so that they taste the same as they did in the 1950's. It's important that the people who serve me get a decent wage and have the right to join a union to protect their rights. AND not just in Australia but in other countries too.

We are proud of the journey we have been on over the past few years and while we don't have all the answers; we are committed to continual improvement.

Suggestions for continual improvement: Don't put meat in all your salads; especially that reconstituted kabana crap. Make gluten free products readily available beyond sundaes, shakes and chips for your main menu; and have gluten free vegetarian friendly stuff at the cafe that is not just cake or friands. Don't put adds on TV during kids programs that pay lip service to kids getting active. How about biodegradable packaging? Put back in to the community what you take out. Stop having one day a year to "Support charities" you own or better still have your one day but ALL MONEY MADE ON THAT DAY GOES TO CHARITY; and I mean Open Family or the Bronte Foundation.

We have received much praise with the changes we have made but with praise comes criticism. We invite you to explore our website, check out the facts and make up your own mind.

I have explored your websites. I have read other material. I have made my mind up. It didn't take "Supersize Me" to make me stop eating McDonald's. It took Fast Food Nation; because I don't care too much what I do to my own body but I do care what my choices mean in relation to the welfare of others. Nope; I haven't seen the film. I've read the book. I researched the information in the book as best I could to verify it.

The reality is that these movies are aimed at awakening awareness in the US market not the Australian one; but some of the practices discussed in the book upon which the film is based occur here. Sadly, people will see the film or read the book, and they'll forget it all unless an image sticks with them (mad cow disease from cows, herbivores, being fed beef; fecal matter in food products; disfigurement of workers in plants that supply the large corporations.)

Ok, I'm off to bed with hot water bottle and honey lemon drinks. (Laryngitis is now head cold that is impacting upon tempreture.) Good luck and good weather to all those marching to raise consciousness about G20. Once again Miss Politic's Australia has the information you need and has put it so well that I won't bore you with repitions.

Something to consider...

2006-11-15T17:44:00.000+11:00

ONE: The burning of coal used in fuel to generate the electricity to desalinate the water so we can drink it creates pollution. Coal when on fire uses huge amounts of water to cool it down.

Why can't we put in place sustainable options? Free water tanks for every home with incentives to use this water in more than the garden (Eg. rebates for plumbing it in to houses). Tougher laws on building and bathroom renovations so that houses must be able to utilise grey water somehow. Better education so people learn how to use a broom to sweep a drive and not a hose. Plant more trees (I vaguely remember something in Biology about trees and the water cycle). Use recycled water for public conveniences (flushing toilets) and fountains. Better funding for aged care facilities so you don't have to run water for half an hour to get it warm.

I don't claim to have answers, but burning another finite resource and damaging the environment in a manner that is thought to be contributing to the cause of the drought to remove salt from water doesn't make sense to me.

TWO: Rather than eliminate Zone 3 why not put money in to improving the infrastructure so that trains can run more than every half hour to places like Pakenham, Cranbourne, Lilydale and Belgrave?

THREE: If the idea of Fundamentalist Christian party Family First gaining more power is so abhorrent to so many people why not encourage support of other smaller parties; like People Power, The Greens, and my personal choice the Australian Democrats.

The Fundamentalists in the US have a huge lobby and large amounts of power over the government, they influence many humanist debates from a warped interpretation of the Bible and enforce it on people who do not hold their beliefs (I know that statement is clumsy but I hope it communicates what I mean). If you do not want to see that kind of thing increase in Australia than think about who you are really voting for?

Oh; and as pointed out by Ari Gary Pinto; former City of Dandenong Boys member (Yes folks, that's what CDB stands for); is running in Prahran for Family First. If this doesn't make you stop and think...

FOUR: If you vote the same way as your parents do, why? I have never understood this. You don't dress like them, you probably don't listen to the same music as them. So why vote like them?

If I voted like my parents I would of voted Liberal and supported the GST; I would of voted One Nation and ignored racism; I would of put in a Counsellor who thinks all Muslims and non Anglo Saxon people should be deported.... the list continues well beyond this but I think you get the idea.

FIVE: Are people so stupid that an hour after getting a voucher from a local community aid organisation for "emergency relief" they try to sell it back to the Volunteer that handed it to them at a reduced price so that they can "buy petrol" ? I know people need petrol but if you ask for food help then you get food help. If you ask for petrol vouchers then you get sent to where they are available (Often with the assistance of a free zone 3 ticket). And how much petrol do you think you'll get for $5 anyway? (We give $10 vouchers out; on the rare occasions we have them.)

OK; That feels better now. Vent over.

Tuesday Twosome: Location

2006-11-14T18:03:00.000+11:00

It’s all about location…

1. Name two things you love about the city/town you live in: The changeable weather, Melbourne truely can have four seasons in one day. I also thinkI live in the most beautiful city. If you open your eyes in Melbourne the beauty and surprises are so apparent.

2. Name two things you dislike about the city/town you live in: It's a little bit too sports focussed. The public transport system beyond zone two.

3. Name two cities/towns you would live in if you couldn’t live where you are now: Hobart, or any part of Tasmania. Part of me would like to live in New York, but I think that this is the fantasy of the bohemian lifestyle epitomised by old movies set in Soho.

4. Are you a “true local” (born and raised) or a transplant of the city/town you live in? Melbourne girl born and bred (Thick round the middle; smart in the head. ;p )

5. Do you like to leave your city/town when you have a long weekend or do you like to stay home? I like to explore the city I live in; I love being a local tourist. I do want to see the world though.

6 Films I Love And A Quote Or 2 From Each

2006-11-11T23:57:00.000+11:00

Rugrats In Paris: the scene at the start where Chuckie watches all the other babies dancing with their mummies makes me cry. I just want to adopt Chuckie and look after him so he has a mummy at this point. By the time the end reaches I'm crying because he gets one. The Boi knows this is my "excuse to blub" movie. (Yes, I know it's a kids animation. Yes, I know admitting to this probably wins me Nerdette of the year.)

Chuckie Finster: Over my dad's potty!

Breakfast At Tiffany's: *sigh* George Peppard looking yummy, Audrey at her most gorgeous, heart warming story, what's not to love.

Holly Golightly: He's all right! Aren't you, cat? Poor cat! Poor slob! Poor slob without a name! The way I see it I haven't got the right to give him one. We don't belong to each other. We just took up one day by the river. I don't want to own anything until I find a place where me and things go together. I'm not sure where that is but I know what it is like. It's like Tiffany's.
Paul Varjak: Tiffany's? You mean the jewelry store.
Holly Golightly: That's right. I'm just CRAZY about Tiffany's!

Holly Golightly: I'm like cat here, a no-name slob. We belong to nobody, and nobody belongs to us. We don't even belong to each other.

Practical Magic: I love chic flicks. This has to be my all time can watch on repeat and not get bored by it chick flick; close ties are Sweet Home Alabama and Just Like Heaven.

Sally Owens: All I want is a normal life.
Aunt Frances Owens: My darling girl, when are you going to understand that being normal is not necessarily a virtue? It rather denotes a lack of courage!

Pretty In Pink: Two words; John. Hughes. I'm a child of the 1980's so a list of films has to have at least one John Hughes in it. I know Breakfast Club is the better crafted story; I know St Elmo's Fire has the better plot line (and isn't a Hughes). Pretty In Pink has James Spader at his worst, Jon Cryer as Duckie, and Harry Dean Stanton. Case rests.

Duckie: You know what an older women does for me?
Iona: Changes your diapers?
Duckie: Touché.

Dogma: Kevin Smith. I love his humour, direction, writing, philosophy, cute little tushy and irreverence. In this he peaked. (Fuck, Underline stuck on, sorry.)

Nun: You don't believe in God because of Alice in Wonderland?
Loki: No, "Through the Looking Glass". That poem, "The Walrus and the Carpenter" that's an indictment of organized religion. The walrus, with his girth and his good nature, he obviously represents either Buddha, or... or with his tusk, the Hindu elephant god, Lord Ganesha. That takes care of your Eastern religions. Now the carpenter, which is an obvious reference to Jesus Christ, who was raised a carpenter's son, he represents the Western religions. Now in the poem, what do they do... what do they do? They... They dupe all these oysters into following them and then proceed to shuck and devour the helpless creatures en masse. I don't know what that says to you, but to me it says that following these faiths based on mythological figures ensure the destruction of one's inner-being. Organized religion destroys who we are by inhibiting our actions... by inhibiting our decisions, out of... out of fear of some... some intangible parent figure who... who shakes a finger at us from thousands of years ago and says... and says, "Do it - Do it and I'll fuckin' spank you. "

Metropolis: This was the irst silent film I ever saw and began a love affair I still have with the films of the 1920's. It also has a philosophy and beauty to it that haunts. My bias and pretension is to say no better science fiction film has ever been made; but that is a massive call and a can of worms I'm only willing to buy shares in not open.

I also love any Lon Chaney Snr films and the German films like Das Kabinett des Doktor Caligari. Films like The Cat and The Canary and Freaks still manage to scare me. I have as many of them as I can find on DVD. I'd dearly love A Trip To The Moon and other early shorts but do not know where to find them.

Maria: There can be no understanding between the hand and the brain unless the heart acts as mediator.

I'll leave the last word to my favourite critics.

Statler: Well, how do you like the film?
Waldorf: I've seen detergents that leave a better film than this.

Gratuitous Bosco Looking Cute Pictures & A Quote I Like

2006-11-11T22:54:00.000+11:00

Warning: Cat Blogging.

"Never underestimate the value of doing Nothing, of just going along, listening to all the things you can't hear, and not bothering."

-Winnie The Pooh

Secrets And Sequiter.

2006-11-10T23:36:00.000+11:00

OK; this has been a very busy week; finishing last assignment, work, wedding, health on decline again (losing voice for second time in as many weeks)...
*starts croaking off key to "My Way"*

excuses, I've got a few,
but then again,
they've had a mention...
I've lived my life too full
I've lost the plot
Of this I'm certain...

Reality fairy stops where this is going and drags attention back to task at hand

Cough cough, um, sorry.

I won a copy of Secrets today in a "Lucky dip" as an end of class thank you from the teacher.

It's part two of "What The Bleep" according to the teacher (I thought this was Through The Rabbit Hole). I'm looking forward to watching it.

I think that it says something about the counselling course I have just finished (well, one essay and an exam to go) that we studied quantum in relation to holistic psychology and the mind-body connection. I'm not sure what it says but it says something. ;p

OK... bed time so I can be all awake for my last class for this course. And maybe for my throat to get better so I can shake the last of this "pharyngitis".

Tuesday Twosome:

2006-11-07T17:25:00.000+11:00

Comments are mine; not the party I am a member of.

Election Day

We don't vote in Victoria until the end of the month, and some of our electoral processes are different from the US. I'll try to explain as best I can for those not reading this in Australia.

I don't like commenting on how other countries run themselves as I feel we only get a limited amount of information. I'm open to being told how my views are misinformed; but because I don't live in the US I would ask that people don't take my comments as US bashing (they're not) and respond to them using facts not opinions; e.g. websites with the information not just name calling. I am open to being educated.

1. Are you registered to vote? Explain why you are or are not registered to vote?

Voting is compulsory in Australia from the age of 18. I have friends that argue that enrolling to vote is an option but I have yet to find evidential data on this. So; Yes. I'm enrolled because I have too, but also because i think you cannot complain about the results of the process if you have not been a part. Its also too important a thing not to vote.

2. Did you vote early (if your state offers this) or are you voting on election day?

I'll be voting on election day; which is also my Hen's night.

3. Do you truly believe your vote counts or are you not convinced that “every vote counts”?

Yes, every vote counts. Especially in a country like America, you cannot get true change until the people have a true voice. I don't think that optional voting gives a true indication of what the people in the US really think. I read somewhere that if the Black American population voted more that the US would already have its first black President, less civil rights violations and better funding for education and health rather than one of the poorest (financially) health and education systems (according to people like Bryson, Moore, and many of the more prominent sociologists).

4. Did you make up your mind about what candidates to vote for a while back or within the last two weeks?

I belong to a political party, so I know who I will be voting for. I support the Australian Democrats (completely different from the ones in US) for their policies on education, health (especially in the areas of stem cell research and mental health), women, indigenous Australians, the aged, the environment, refugees and the war. I do not support the GST; which is why I voted against the Liberal party and was hurt when one of our senators crossed the floor.

Sadly the GST furore has hurt the party deeply with a large number of people blaming the Democrats for what happened but continue to vote for the major party that implemented them. I am also aware of many cases where the Democrats have laid the ground work for a project to have it taken over by another party and given more publicity.

Voting Democrat makes sense as they are also one of the only minor parties on the left not in the hip pocket of a major party, (Labor and Greens; Liberal, Nationals and Fundamentalists First). They are also truly separate from religious influence (Think Liberals think white protestant; Labor was strongly Catholic at one point; I won't insult people over the Fundies.)

5. Compared to your parents’ views, are you voting the same as or different from them? Are you more liberal or conservative than them?

I vote differently from my parents (One is Labor, one is Nationals.) My influence comes from my father who taught me the importance of Unions and a party that gives the workers a voice; something I also feel that the Democrats do. As I grew older I realised that environmental concerns were also something I felt passionate about; so I became more politically active on these issues and then sort-of drifted into representative positions (student council, board member on various charities, etc.) I guess my left leaning attitudes make me a small l liberal.

Six Books and a a Saying.

2006-11-05T10:03:00.000+11:00

Six books that have had an impact on me.

Terry Pratchett: Small Gods.

Belief gives things shape; it is the strength of belief in a thing that makes it what it is. In Small Gods it is the strength of belief Brutha has that keeps the great god Om alive; even though Om has the largest number of people who subscribe to his religion.

Eric Maisel: The Van Gogh Blues.

This book normalised depression for me. Maisel theorises that it is the loss of meaning that results in depression in creative people. The methods he describes have allowed me to express how I am in the depression. When I miscarried I drew mothers with ghosts following them; when the first cycle IVF didn't work I painted wombs as cemeteries; poetry, photos, sketches, building, finding a new formula, writing... what ever your creative expression of self, artist or scientist, when depressed you can use that to show meaning and find meaning. See the review/ counselling piece in Crayons.

Aside: In homeopathy Post partum/natal depression is thought to be caused by the mother feeling she had meaning while pregnant but looses sight of that once the child is born. The rejection of the baby (common sign of PND)) is connected to an ill formed differentiation of the birth mother from her own mother.

Richard's Encyclopedia Volume 13, published 1958.

It had everything! Fairy stories, mythology, mind puzzles, word games, stuff that would not normally be in an encyclopaedia! As a kid I'd spend hours pouring over this one volume. The fairy tales were not dumbed down or Disney-fied. The puzzles were a challenge; and you got something new each time. My favourite page was a picture of flowers; you had to name them all. They weren't flowers in the picture though. You had two lips for tulips, a picture of row after row of corn for rose. I think I'll go visit mum and get it. I think its sitting in the garage somewhere... should save it for my kids.

Bill Bryson: Notes From A Small Island.

This book began my love affair with travel novels. I cannot afford to travel the world yet but these books let me see things I never would of known about. Ones like Holy Cow by Sarah McDonald let me see India, Lonely Planet's Smallest Countries showed me the many kingdoms that exist, (Including a few in Australia, Hutt River Province I think was one.)

CWA Cookbook

I learnt how to bake from these. I'm one of the three in my social group who gets requests for food when parties are coming up. My melting moments melt on the way to your mouth; my ginger biscuits get requested most often; I was using m&ms in biscuits before they came in mini and become fashionable.

I find baking relaxing. I find substituting and experimenting so that vegans are able to eat what I make a challenge. I hate that I cannot try as I go like I used to, as not everyone wants GF biscuits and cakes. One day I'll throw recipes up somewhere. They are not health foods but heart foods, and I think that is as important.

Emily Bronte: Wuthering Hieghts

This showed me that not every book my mother told me to read was about Australia when she was a child and helped me to learn to respect others opinions. She's right; it's depressing in parts but the greatest love story. My Father gave me the love of books and taught me how they were an escape; my mother showed me the importance of reading things that make you reflect. My father taught me to read everything; my mother made sure I had practical interests; sewing, knitting, baking.

Saying: Mr Feeny, my year 12 Literature teacher, told us to memorise poems and plays. He said it would give us something to do while we were stuck far away from a book and bored.

Stacy: I believe we write our own stories. And each time we think we know the end - we don't. Perhaps luck exists somewhere between the world of planning, the world of chance, and in peace that comes from knowing that you just can't know it all. You know, life's funny that way. Once you let go of the wheel, you might end up right where you belong.

From: Little Black Book.

One Million Candles.

2006-11-05T09:38:00.000+11:00

I used this format before to let people know about a way they could help with funding a cure for breast cancer. Others have also used it to alert about political petitions, animal welfare causes and environmental issues. So, click on the links, learn more, light a candle and help fight child abuse.

The innocent victims of Internet child abuse cannot speak for
themselves.

But you can.

With your help, we can eradicate this evil trade.

We do not need your money.

We need you to light a candle of support
<http://www.lightamillioncandles.com>.

We're aiming to light at least One Million Candles by December 31,
2006.

This petition will be used to encourage governments, politicians,
financial institutions, payment organisations, Internet service
providers, technology companies and law enforcement agencies to
eradicate the commercial viability of online child abuse.

They have the power to work together. You have the power to get them to
take action.

Please light your candle at lightamillioncandles.com
<http://www.lightamillioncandles.com> or send an email of support to
light@lightamillioncandles.com.

Together, we can destroy the commercial viability of Internet child
abuse sites that are destroying the lives of innocent children.

Cutting the cats' nails

2006-11-03T21:50:00.000+11:00

Warning: This post includes Cat Blogging and Proud Owner Being Dull About Cute Acts.

The Boi cut the cat's claws tonight.

This is my take on the events:

Nutty: Hiss; Bugger off! I like long nails!

Much like me; I like my nails long and hate cutting them. We are also both fastidious about them being clean.

Bosco: Hiss; She objected I should! Rowr! Oh woe is me; how could you! *Playful attempt to disembowel Boi and claw out eyes.*

Two hours later;

Her; still ignoring us.

Him; Sitting on paws, which he never does. Also very responsive to pats from the Boi.

I must admit I respect Nutty's stubbornness more than Bosco's pat slutting.

We really should get them a scratching post to save the furniture and the cat fights.

All Hallow's Tuesday Twosome

2006-10-31T17:50:00.000+11:00

A Halloween Meme…

1. Do you celebrate Halloween? Explain: No; it's not something big in Oz. As a Pagan I celebrate a fertility festival around the spring equinox that falls close to Halloween, what some people celebrate in February. If you consider Halloween a Harvest Festival then I celebrate it in Autumn close to the Autumnal Equinox, around Easter (or Eostre's) festival. The opposite of the seasons in the Western Hemisphere applies of course.

2. Do you hand out candy and/or go door-to-door trick-or-treating?

No; but if kids came to the door I would hand out candy; double headed snakes this year.

3. What was the scariest Halloween costume you had and why did you pick out that costume?

My favourite costume was an out of work fortune teller that I wore for a y2k arArmageddon themed party. I carried a sign saying "Will predict for food". I also had a "drug tester" costume for a Sydney olOlympics theme at work in a nursing home; complete with specimen jar and badge saying "Drugs tested free". Sadly; no Halloween Costumes.

4. Do you prefer a “trick" or “treat”? Explain: Treat. 'Cos I'm nice. *grin*

5. Do you think Halloween is scarier now than it was when you were younger? Explain:

Sorry; I'm not really in a situation to comment on that.

Best Oppinion Piece I Have Read On Shiek Halili.

2006-10-31T17:18:00.000+11:00

Once again Miss Politics has put it better than I ever could hope surrounding the continuing violence against women. I'm linking here so that people can read this.

Random Rumblings And Follow Ups.

2006-10-31T14:54:00.000+11:00

Meely with Sausage; Ballerina costume.

Saturday was great fun. It was also very very cold. I never made it to the Halloween party as I ended up working ridiculous hours over the weekend; being run down resulted in me being so run down as to be in recovery mode still. Lots of Boi Hugs and rest while watching "Chinese Food TV".

Kat-ism explained: Chinese Food TV is TV that satisfies while your watching it but leaves you craving real content afterwards. Pizza TV is that guilty pleasure you get from watching a show that you know has no redeemable features but you enjoy anyway. It was suggested I try to explain some of my references in case people who don't know me read this.

Back to Saturday: Meely had been in hospital all night due to dehydration. She was having a ball at her party, though, and the only sign she'd been sick was some weight loss.

Peek-a-boo With Mitchell; Elmo Costume.

I enjoyed being able to hold Mitchell for most of the day; covered in vomit and all! It was great. My mum thinks this is a sign that I am ready for kids when nappies and chuck make me cry for not having a child of my own.

I wouldn't swap the family that were at this party for anything. It took me a while to realise just how lucky I was to have them. They have proven my foundation while organising things, going through IVF, etc. In a few cases this surprised me; but I am happy to be wrong when it comes to these things.

Six Songs and a Saying

2006-10-29T01:17:00.000+10:00

OK; the aim today is to vent about blog content. Fortunately there are not too many people in the bloggosphere who fit the first four categories.

Song One: Piggies by the Beatles.

Have you seen the little piggies
Crawling in the dirt
And for all the little piggies
Life is getting worse
Always having dirt to play around in.

Dedicated to those who feel life is about running others down to make themselves feel better.

Song Two: Kiss Me, Son Of God by TMBG.

I built a little empire out of some crazy garbage
Called the blood of the exploited working class
But they've overcome their shyness
Now they're calling me Your Highness
And a world screams, "Kiss me, Son of God"

I destroyed a bond of friendship and respect
Between the only people left who'd even look me in the eye
Now I laugh and make a fortune
Off the same ones that I tortured
And a world screams, "Kiss me, Son of God"

This one goes out to those who feel that what they say, no matter how offensive, cannot be wrong if they have been around for a long time and have lots of people who read them.

Song Three: Ain't No Man Righteous by Bob Dylan.

Look around, ya see so many social hypocrites
Like to make rules for others while they do just the opposite.

A song for all those people revoicing others oppinions as there own and then criticising others for doing it.

Song Four: Sex and Drugs and Rock'n'Roll by Ian Drury & The Blockheads.

Here's a little piece of advice
You're quite welcome it is free
Don't do nothing that is cut price
You know what that'll make you be
They will try their tricky device
Trap you with the ordinary
Get your teeth into a small slice
The cake of liberty

For the people who blindly follow everything they read as gospel and don't think for themselves.

Song Five: Funk You by DAAS.

Sexual psychology fascinates me more than art or science

For all those lonely and not so lonely souls out there who explore all aspects of their nature online.

Song Six: Don't Give Up by Peter Gabriel and Kate Bush

Don't give up
cos you have friends
Don't give up
You're not beaten yet
Don't give up
I know you can make it good

What I'd like for all people to remember when the hurts others heap upon them become too much.

Quote: “If you guys are going to be throwing beer bottles at us, at least make sure they're full.” Dave Mustaine

Happy Birthday Baby Girl

2006-10-26T16:11:00.000+10:00

The gorgeous Amelia K turns one this weekend.

Meely was the first baby I held post the IVF starting and our first harvest not working. When we lost "Ziggy" at the beginning of the year I dreamt about Meely. This little girl; along with her beautiful cousins Josh and Mitchell; gives me hope.

Whenever I am around them they are full of hugs. Josh (4) is now in Benalla with his mum and little brother Mitchell (about 3 months). I miss the playing and stuff we did when he was around the corner. He became a substitute son for me while the Boi and I were trying first time around.

As hard as the IVF is; and being around inconsiderate morons who think "SO, when are you two going to have kids?" is the height of conversational skill makes it harder; I love the time I get to spend with my grand niece and nephews. (Yep, grand; my sister is 16 years older then me; her eldest daughter is 5 years younger. My nieces and nephews are getting married and having kids.) The unconditional love they show is one of those little reminders that life is not as bad as it feels.

That's one thing that no one can take away; no matter how much they try.

Belated Tuesday Twosome.

2006-10-25T13:21:00.000+10:00

Time Management:

1. Two things you procrastinate the most about: Homework; as in 2 major assignments due this Friday. Going to the gym; this happens in stops and starts. The stops are hard for me to restart.

2. Two things that take priority in your time management: Spending time with my partner; in IVF you can lose sight of the other person so for me this is my biggest priority. Books; reading the latest by my favourite authors.

3. Do you usually arrive on time or late? About ten minutes early.

4. Do you get annoyed when other people arrive late or you really don’t care? I get more worried then annoyed, but I do care. With mobile phones it doesn't take much to let people know you'll be late. Ten minutes is OK but after that it starts to say that you realy don't care about other people.

5. What two things would you change/delete about your daily schedule in order for you to have more “down” time? Commercials from the shows I enjoy; TV and Radio. I'd like a genie for the housework, fairly obvious.

This made me laugh.

2006-10-23T20:16:00.000+10:00

Thank you to the sender. Original site is here.

My Fur Children; Warning - Cat Blogging.

2006-10-22T15:49:00.000+10:00

This is Nutbag and this is Bosco.

Nutbag (Left) was the Boi's before we met; he called her that as he thought it would be what he'd refer to her as most often. She gets Pusscat Magillicatty more often then anything else.

Bosco (Above) was abandoned by neighbours of a friend who couldn't have anymore cats at their place; so he came with name attached. He's the One Cat we are "saving" at the moment. If we hadn't taken him in he probably would of ended up at the RSPCA and euthanized. Bosco shows signs of previous abuse but is slowly coming around to us; as long as we don't touch his stomach he's fine. He gets Orange Boi more often then Bosco.

OK, so way TMI on the cats. Why? We spent the day surrounded by small children with some people making comments about "when will you be having kids" to other couples in front of us. Seriously; when will people accept not everyone wants kids or can have them? So instead of ranting unfairly about "breeders" I'll just quietly post about the cats. Once again down part of mood cycle; results in biased rants that disregard anything other than my own current preoccupation with having a child of my own.

Checking in on reality

2006-10-21T16:52:00.000+10:00

Sometimes our reality checks come t the darnedest time. The lady who always serves me at Heidi Rose asked me why I was nervous about the up coming nuptials.

It comes down to my fear of how one or two people will judge the ceremony; a Pagan Celtic hands fasting.

So why should I care? If I advocate freedom of belief why does the closed minded attitude of others matter? Maybe as I see it in myself and this scares me, sometimes walking the walk is much harder then talking any talk.

Do I need to talk it through with the people I feel will be most judgemental on the day about what the meaning of everything is? People who have bothered to get to know me know who I am and will understand. These are the people who would not have cared if I wore black on the day.

And really when it all comes down to it; if they cannot be bothered getting to know who I am why should I let their opinions bother me?

Also realised; Topic- being fired for trumped up charges still pisses me off. Issue - the grief and the grieving process associated with miscarriage is far from over. Redirection doesn't help.

So; lots to work on.

(Including not caring what others say about me and being hugely self conscious now about being dull. If I can look myself in the eye everyday that should be enough; paranoia the fear that anything you say will be twisted into something hurtful by an anonymous person.)

I've been attacked! YES!

2006-10-21T12:01:00.000+10:00

Read this very funny rant on TSSH as revealed to me by the Boi; you can find it here. I actually don't read it anymore... yep. I boycotted a site because I didn't like their treatment of others.

They then decided to misquote me; which is fine. That's their right. I found the attack very funny which is why I am linking to it.

What I didn't find funny is that I have no right to defend myself as I am not "subscribed" to their site. People if you don't want honest feedback then subscription makes sense. So; as is my right as a "dull and turgid" person I chose to retort here.

The "saving one person at a time" intro comment is meant as a tongue in cheek dig at myself. Yes, I do want to make a difference... and yes that could be perceived as dull.

I do volunteer work with the "Less fortunate" in our community. I work in an industry where making everyday count is what matters and I am studying to help others over come the mental health issues that plague one in five in our society. I have run for Federal Parliament for the Democrats on the basis that they have the better policies surrounding health care and education. Yes, I have causes. WHO DOESN'T?

Next point: I've been diary writing online in one form or another for about more than a decade now (started in 1994 at Uni in Bendigo, no I cannot find the links to put them here.), so the "month old" comment is more evidence of not getting facts right. Right to expression in any creative form does not exclusive belong to legal experts, computer geeks or journalists, nor does it come from having used a forum longer than others.

A retaliatory attack on me was fair; if I respond to others for being petty then I expect a retort. To do so in a way that does not then allow people to respond or defend themselves is juvenile. What next; pull my pigtails and run away? Stick your tongue out and go nerne nerne nerner?

I am however assuming it was a tssh poster, or reader, who posted a very offensive reply to one of my previous posts under the name "Penis", which I removed because family read this. Otherwise I would not have censored that comment. The advantage of blogging is free speech.

Not free attack because someone has a different view to you; but free speech. I didn't attack you guys; I just disagreed with what was said by you and advocated a boycott. I didn't make libellous comments, I didn't disagree with your right of reply over someone's comments directed at you. I just felt it was being taken way too far and thought that if people who were offended didn't read your stuff then it might fade away. Sounds reasonable to me. If you were a company I'd recommend not buying your products, if you were a country I wouldn't visit you. If you don't like my rants, my expression of self, then feel free to boycott me; I cannot say I care.

So how about I give you something legitimate to use in your attacks?

I don't write for others; but I will admit I try to moderate my style so others can read it. If I want to voice an opinion publicly I'll phone talk back radio or post to anothers journal. Anything I write here is as much an expression of self as it is a public forum. No ones life is full on excitement. I could resort to attacking others for a blog; but this goes against beliefs I hold.

BTW The Boi suggested that I don't link the article in as it "just empowers them", if I don't though it makes me as weak as you. (Are you going to launch an attack on him now too?)

So: my "Dull and turgid" little "month old" blog is here for those who want to read it.

To everyone else; thank you for taking the time to read my rants, I'm sorry you didn't enjoy them, but hey; like you I do this for me and so that those I care about know what I am up to. You don't need to return; but please, if you feel like you want to attack me; do it openly, here. Don't hide it on a site I don't read.

Additional bit: it was pointed out that they attacked again over a post that was on procrastination; if I am so repugnant why don't they do to me what I have done (until this date) to them and IGNORE ME. This reminds me of the vitriolic flame wars at Uni. They too were pointless, anonymous and childish. They also had fall out beyond the immediate circle of those under attack. As a friend called to say, after reading all of this; "Hey, if they've taken that much offense you've obviously reflected back something they don't like in themselves." I just want to know why if I am so dull they keep returning?

Amongst the second attack was a mention in a comment about me posting an email rather than forwarding to everyone in my in box; They're now attacking a person for promoting cancer awareness? Seriously. I must say I am looking forward to an in box clogged with the "champagne" that keeps spewing forth from tssh readers. And yes, I am aware that the two linked blogs are very similar; did you even read the intro on "Crayons"?

Lives people; they are not that expensive; go get your own and then you won't need to be bored by mine.

OK, back to ignoring that they exist.

Saturday Six; Saturday Saying. #1

2006-10-21T10:54:00.000+10:00

I thought I'd invent my own meme. I want it to reveal things about who I am; or who ever is doing it. I also love quotes and sayings so I thought I'd combine them. The first one I am going to try for is a positive spin; especially after crashing from manic o depressed in such glorious fashion last night about 23:30. So;

6 positives achieved this week and a saying that is positive.

If I get interest I'll explore that thing called code and begin linking in; hey this might become blog #3 in the Fur range, journal type thing number 5 for the author.

(Note to self:When did I start writing in a way intended for others to read and not just as a diary for myself? I mean, I want to be published one day but like this? *Shrug*)

Positive things:

1 We got a new phone so we can contact people without problems, and they can call us.

2 My sister liked the dress that I have chosen out for her; I just need to get size sorted.

3 The invites were sent and we have gotten some responses.

4 Only three essays, two exams and two rpls and I've finished my course; and I got the additional 5RPL information handed in to the person it needed to go to this week.

5 I made someone happy through a random act of kindness; I gave a lecturer an anonymous chocolate bar "chocolate fairy" style. Doing it anonymously bought me more joy then all the thanks in the world; if the few people who knew hadn't told it would of been better.

6 I was linked by one of my favourite bloggers; miss Politics; on her site. Not even the Boi has done that yet. I also think it's cool he gets more hits through me then in any other way. Small smile.

Saying: Andre Gide:
Only those things are beautiful which are inspired by madness and written by reason.

Icehouse Icehouse

2006-10-21T00:39:00.000+10:00

This is the cover art from Icehouse by Icehouse. It pictures the place mentioned below rendered by an artist.
I wonder if they lived there?

For those who have just read Crayons; or may be about to; these are the lyrics to the song I refer to;

It's always cold inside the ICEHOUSE
Though the rivers never freeze
There's a girl outside the ICEHOUSE
I can see her clearly though the trees
And now she's dreaming of a new love
And she hopes he'll be there soon
But she's got so long to wait for him
Because he needs another year to get there
There's no love inside the ICEHOUSE

The devil lives inside the ICEHOUSE
At least that's what the old ones say
He came along time ago
He came here in the winter snow
Bow it's colder every day
But she's still dreaming through the summer
And she's hoping through the spring
She says she's got no time for winter nights
She doesn't notice as the days grow colder
She can't remember getting any older
There's no love inside the ICEHOUSE

And now she's dreaming of a new love
And she hopes he'll be there soon
She says she's got no time for winter nights
She doesn't notice as the days grow colder
She can't remember getting any older
There's no love inside the ICEHOUSE
There's no love inside the ICEHOUSE
The ICEHOUSE...

At the moment I don't feel like I am outside the Icehouse (a psychiatirc hospital in Sydney) I feel like I might be stuck in the Icehouse. Sometimes the course triggers stuff in me that I don't want to own. I will not hurt myself but I am at risk of hurting others with my words and thoughts.

I wish I had the car so I could drive to a hug. It will wait; I probably just need to sleep.

I promise I won't hurt myself. I promise.

Breast Cancer Awareness.

2006-10-19T12:09:00.000+10:00

I thought this was important. It's from a letter sent to me by a college friend.

This woman is walking the World for Breast Cancer . Please pass her on so that she can reach her destination. Say a prayer for all those who are affected by this terrible disease. She's walking around the world - via e-mail!! Pass it on so she can get there! Please hit your forward button, so the women stays animated.

* Y * 6 *Y

Please tell ten friends to tell ten today! The Breast Cancer site is having trouble getting enough people to click on their site daily to meet their quota of donating at least one free mammogram a day to an underprivileged woman. It takes less than a minute to go to their site and click on "fund free mammograms" for free (pink window in the middle).
This doesn't cost you a thing. Their corporate sponsors/advertisers use the number of daily visits to donate mammogram in exchange for advertising.
Here's the web site! Pass it along to people you know.
http://www.thebreastcancersite.com

It finished with : AGAIN, PLEASE TELL 10 FRIENDS TO TELL 10 TODAY meaning to forward it via email; I don't like clogging in boxes no matter how important I think something is. I also thought this might reach a wider audience. Vanity? Maybe.

Procrastination: Mastering the Art Form.

2006-10-18T22:56:00.000+10:00

You Scored 55% Correct

You are a solid child of the 80s
You'd never confuse Tiffany from Debbie
And while you may not know Prince's first #1 hit
You know every word to Little Red Corvette

How Much Do You Know About 80s Music?

Your Theme Song is Back in Black by AC/DC

"Back in black, I hit the sack,
I've been too long, I'm glad to be back"

Things sometimes get really crazy for you, and sometimes you have to get away from all the chaos.
But each time you stage your comeback, it's even better than the last!

What's Your Theme Song?

You Are Grape

You are bold and a true individual. You are very different and very okay with that.
People know you as a straight shooter. You're very honest, even when the truth hurts.
You are also very grounded and practical. No one is going to sneak anything by you.
People enjoy your fresh approach to life. And it's this honesty that makes you a very innovative person.

What Color Purple Are You?

You Will Die at Age 88

Congratulations! You take good care of yourself.
You're poised to live a long, healthy life.

What Age Will You Die?

You Are a Glazed Donut

Okay, you know that you're plain - and you're cool with that.
You prefer not to let anything distract from your sweetness.
Your appeal is understated yet universal. Everyone dig you.
And in a pinch, you'll probably get eaten.

What Donut Are You?

Your Love Style is Agape

You are a caring, kind, and selfless partner.
Unsurprisingly, your love style is the most rare.
You are willing to sacrfice your world for your sweetie.
Except it doesn't really feel like sacrifice to you.
For you, nothing feels better than giving to the one you love.

What's Your Love Style?

You Are 28% Obsessive

You tend to have a few obsessive thoughts, but you generally have them under control.
Sometimes your worries keep you up at night, though they usually don't interfere with your life.

How Obsessive Are You?

You Are Lisa Simpson

A total child prodigy and super genius, you have the mind for world domination.

But you prefer world peace, Buddhism, and tofu dogs.

You will be remembered for: all your academic accomplishments

Your life philosophy: "I refuse to believe that everybody refuses to believe the truth"

The Simpsons Personality Test

You Are a Coy Flirt

You may not seem like you're flirting, but you know exactly what you're doing.
You draw people in, very calculatingly, without them even knowing.
Subtle and understated, you know how to best leverage your sex appeal.
A sexy enigma, you easily become an object of obsession.

What Kind of Flirt Are You?

OK, better actually do some homework now.....

Or I could just wait for the Boi to get home and watch House....

Lust quotient

2006-10-18T22:55:00.001+10:00

Your Lust Quotient: 77%

You are a very lustful person - and it sometimes gets the better of you!
You know how to hold back, but you hardly ever do.

How Much Lust Do You Have?

Tuesday Twosome cont.

2006-10-18T17:37:00.000+10:00

1. The perfect autumn day and what activities you enjoy.

Perfect Autumn day: warm (low 20's), slightly overcast, picnic at the park. Dinner in front of TV with movies. Cuddling up with the Boi. Just basically time spent with the Boi not doing anything huge, just being together.

2. Two things about yourself that make you different from everybody else:
My use of language; my eyes.

3. The last time you laughed really hard and why:
Reading Calvin and Hobbes the other day I laughed so hard I couldn't breath.

4. Two items of clothing that best represents who you are:
My burgundy Hippy style dress; it's long, flows nicely and is a little bit sexy while being totally not revealing. My tiny T's, they let me say what I want without it being too forceful (and as the Boi says; they make my breasts look good; hey, we can all be shallow when we want!)

5. Yourself as others see you and how you see yourself:
I see myself as slightly too curvaceous, seriously insecure but learning to love the image in the mirror. I am spiritual and sensual, sexual while not being cheap. I'm Gothic, a Hippy, a Boho Chic, a Beatnik, politically aware while being totally oblivious to how things run, ethically conscious while advocating each their own but do no harm. A witch, a bitch, bisexual, conservative but out there; loud and proud but hiding my real self.

Others; I don't know. These are some quotes from a survey I did for my counselling course:

your strength of character - you are always you - you don't feel the
need to pretend to be something you are not just to fit in with the
people you are with.  This is in no way compromised by dressing down when
you do democrat stuff or visiting parents, in fact its heightened IMO
(humble or otherwise).

your intellect - you are highly intelligent, well read and you have an
amazing ability to retell information in your own way, which makes it
not only interesting to listen to, but also attainable to the less
bright of our society who need this information.

you are so easy to talk to and non judgemental. I
have always found you innately easy to talk to and never judgemental at
all.

your trustworthiness and discretion - I always know that if I entrust
you with something that is personal or that is a secret, that it wont go
any further add to that your ability to always find the right thing to
say to smooth something over when trusted information has been let out,
out of turn.

you are fun

Or this by a former Boi;

You have a deep commitment to your friends and family. You really know
how to look after people. You would make a top notch nurse because of
that. They don't have to be people you know, but with people you know
you take that caring to the next level.

I think that anything else I'd say would come back under this umbrella.

Oh, but you're smart. You're poetic. Passionate. Completely untethered
by what the crowd thinks you should do. This IVF thing shows great
bravery too. You're also really cute :)

A family perspective:

Good Listener.....True Friend...... Amiable.........Willing to give a
hand.............. Patient........Able to put up with a lot
(family).... are
but a few that come to mind

So: that sees me out for today's Tuesday Twosome; a day late, hey, I was busy!

Fear and Love.

2006-10-18T11:35:00.000+10:00

A wise woman once said to me; How can you expect to change the world in a positive way when you use language that reinforces negativity? I am trying my hardest to change my language rom the negative to the positive but sometimes it is harder than you would think.

As our farmers face droughts that might mean primary industry in this country may end up on life support; while our Government supports trade relations with a country that undercuts our primary producers with lower quality food; as our troops remain in countries under false pretexts; as a neighbouring country plays with bombs inthe name of freedom; as the right to life lobby launch yet another attack on my ovaries and how I decide to use them; as stemcell research becomes demonised by the same people; as children starve, are abused, are abandoned and die alone; as the same happens to the elderly; I struggle to find a positive voice.

So as we approach Beltane; All Hallows eve, All Souls Day, and the moving in to one of the most spiritual times on most religious callenders I ask that the Gods and Godesses; who ever they are, whatever they look like; remind their followers that the central message of all belief is love.

I am not against America; I am for Australia.
I am not against the gun owners; I am for a world where we don't need them.
I am not supporting terrorists; I am supporting the soldiers.
I am not advocating burying heads in the sand; I am shouting from the roof tops that we need truth not propaganda.

Seems I'm not alone.

Monday meme; day 7!

2006-10-16T17:32:00.000+10:00

This one is from Monday's a Bitch. I think this might see my mini challenge to myself out.

1. If you could have a view of anything you wanted from your bedroom window, what would you choose?
The beach, probably the Middle Brighton beach to be more specific. It has the melbourne skyline in the backround. St night it is gorgeous. I also liove watching storms come in over water.

2. Have you ever tried Red Bull? Did you like it?
Yes. No.

3. Is there anything that you are embarrassed to go out and purchase?
No.

4. Do you like amusement park rides? Are high adrenaline rides preferable, or do you prefer the mellow ones?
Some. Not high adrenaline ones. I like mellow ones, like the Matador, but cannot stand ferris wheels or roller coaster; hieghts and disconnection from sitting 100% on seat respectively.

5. Do you tend to be more attracted to people (romantically or for friendship) who are similar to you or very different? What sorts of differences in your personalities might attract you to a person?
I'm attracted to the things in others that lie beneath the first initial impression. If the person is intelligent then I am likely to associate with them, useless cultural knowledge a bonus. Geeky? Then asl. Curvaceous? Bonus! My friends are all so diverse that I don't know what attracts me to them overall.

I'm turned on by brains more then body type, but like guys to be a little cuddly and taller then me. The only negative about the Boi is he could be about five inches taller so I could rest my head more comfortably on his chest. That's about my only precursor; after that it comes down to how personalities mesh, and beliefs.

Sunday Meme

2006-10-15T12:52:00.000+10:00

Todays Meme idea was tken from: The Write Coast
It's called Death takes a vacation; and is a tribute to Halloween. OK, so a harvest festival should be celebrated in Australia in April, around Easter. Still, I liked this. So here is Sunday.

You can press a button that will make any one person explode. Who would you blow up?
As much as I'd like to say a child of a politician to make the politician realise what they are doing to all those others I can't. Same with a gun enthusiasts family member. Probably someone like Paris Hilton for the "role model" she portrays but that would make her a martyr.... so I don't know.
You can flip a switch that will wipe any band or musical artist out of existence. Which one will it be?
The Corrs for crimes against Irish music and covering great songs really badly. What they did to REM's Everybody Hurts was attrocious.
Who would you really like to just punch in the face?
The guy who fired me from my last full time job on the day I was meant to go in for a D&C associated with a miscarriage. If my flow hadn't started I would of been fired on an answering macchine. I'd also do it for the trumped up reason he gave.
You can only have one kind of sandwich. Every sandwich ingredient known to humankind is at your immediate disposal. What kind will you make?
Good quality basil pesto, baby spinach, char grilled capsicum, char grilled mushrooms, vegetarian cheese (nimbin for preference) ona high quality gluten free full grain bread, toasted.
The Door to the Other Side has opened, and Death appears. But surprisingly, Death is a pretty cool entity and is in a fantastic mood, so it offers to return the friend/family-member/person, etc. of your choice to the living world. Who will you bring back?
My maternal grandmother whom I never knew. I always wanted grandparents and think she would be the one I'd chose; I have so many questions about my mother as a child...
You have the opportunity to sleep with the movie celebrity of your choice. We are talking no-strings-attached sex and it can only happen once. Who is the lucky celebrity of your choice?
Susan Sarandon or Alan Rickman... maybe Janeane Gaarofalo or Kevin Smith... If the boi was allowed to watch but not touch Charlize Theron or Reese Witherspoon. *Evil smiley goes here*
You have the opportunity to sleep with the music-celebrity of your choice. Who do you pick?
As a teenager I would of said Iva Davies, but now, hmmm, the guitarist and writer of Eskimo Joe; Kav Temperley; as much for his creative side. It's the whole intimacy tripple for me with him, if he's busy then Tim Freedman.
Now that you’ve slept with two different people in a row, you seem to be having an excellent day because you just came across a hundred-dollar bill on the sidewalk. Holy crap, a hundred bucks! How are you gonna spend it?
Books; the latest 2 Terry Pratchett books, Where's my cow? and Wintersmith. If I had change I'd get the 3rd in the D.W. Science series.
You just got a free plane ticket to anywhere. You have to depart right now. Where are you gonna go?
New York, or the Orkneys. One because I am so curious about it the other for further research in to my family history.
Upon arrival to the aforementioned location, you get off the plane and discover another hundred-dollar bill. Now that you are in the new location, what are you gonna do?
New York: A little piece of art from a Soho artist or a Broadway show. Orkney: furthering the genealogy or tourist bits about the Old Witch.
The Fairy Bartender appears and offers you a lifetime supply of the alcoholic beverage of your choice. It is … ?
Black Russian or Cosmopolitan.
Rufus appears out of nowhere with a time-traveling phone booth. You can go to any time in the PAST. What time are you traveling to and what are you going to do when you get there?
Before I saw worst jobs in history I'd have gone back to the dark ages and learn about real paganism. Since then the late 1960's, to Haight Ashbury in San Francisco. I'd spend the time enjoying the free love, the free expression, the psychadelia and see the reality of a movement that has strongly influenced me.
You discover a beautiful island upon which you may build your own society. You make the rules. What is the first rule you put into place?
First; do no harm.
You accidentally eat some radioactive pumpkin. It was good, and what’s even cooler is that it endows you with the super-power of your choice! What’s it gonna be?
Persuasion; you could use it for so many things.
You have been given the opportunity to create the half-hour TV show of your own design. What is it called and what’s the premise?
World of Wicca; it's a half hour show about the history and evolution of witches and witchcraft; exploring common mythconceptions, the politicising of the feminine power and the bastardisation of stories to demonise the strong woman; the spin off wuold be Fairy stories; why Disney should be disembowelled. It would look at where fairy tales came from and how they also changed, with a section on nursery rhymes and sayings.
One night you wake up because you heard a noise. You turn on the light to find that you are surrounded by MUMMIES. The mummies aren’t really doing anything, they’re just standing around your bed. What do you do?
Pray that they speak English and are open for a talk; I have so many questions for them.
Your house is on fire! You have just enough time to run in there and grab ONE inanimate object. Don’t worry, your loved ones and pets have already made it out safely. So what’s the item?
One? The hard drive of the computer as it has so much stuff on it, photoes, stories, histories, copies of documents, etc.
The constant absorption of magical moonbeams mixed with the radioactive pumpkin you consumed earlier has given you the ability to resurrect the dead famous-person of your choice. So which celebrity will you bring back to life?
Jules Verne; and I'd take him to Cape Canaveral or where ever they do the space stuff to see what he has inspired.
You can re-live any point of time in your life. The time-span can only be a half-hour, though. What half-hour of your past would you like to experience again?
My first kiss with the Boi. As TMBG say; "I want another first kiss"
You can erase any horrible experience from your past. What will it be?
Being raped.
You got kicked out of the country for being a time-traveling heathen who sleeps with celebrities and has super-powers. But … you can move to anywhere else in the world! What country are you going to live in now?
Canada, Eire, New Zealand or The Orkneys. Don't know.... can the Boi come too?
You have been eternally banned from every single bar in the world except for ONE. Which one is it gonna be?
As long as I haven't been banned from every single chocolate bar; I don't drink much anymore (thus the name of the blog) so... The Kitten Club in Little Collins, great Jazz and Swing music.
The Grim Reaper has arrived to escort you to The Other Side. But since Death is pretty cool and still in a good mood, it offers you a half-hour to do whatever you want before you bounce. Whatcha gonna do in that half-hour?
Spend it with the Boi, saying Goodbye and doing stuff. Let him know I love him, and will be back to haunt him.
What’s your theme song?
Alway's a woman; Billy Joel. She; Elvis Costello. Just Like A Woman; Bob Dylan. But most likely Torch The Moon; The Whitlams. Except it's not a Frida Kahlo poster on my door... more likely MC Escher, Dali or something cartoony that has caught my imagination.

OK, so that is a rather long Sunday one; full of gloriously vague answers that reveal more than a single choice would. Bring on Monday.

Weekend meme

2006-10-15T00:51:00.000+10:00

Random 10 - Week 75

10 songs that sum up your weekend...or were on your weekend playlist...and one picture that relates back. (oh, and if you feel like it, tell us why you picked the songs you did)
The picture shows how I feel in my body at this time almost perfectly, I definitely feel more curvy then she looks. The song choices reflect aspects of my emotional state, where I am now developmentally and also offers a snap shot of whats going on in the moment.

1) Everybody Want's To Work: Uncanny X Men; The next line is "No, no, not me." but sadly I do need to work, I just need a regular job that lets me not work the days I am at school. The Boi and I have written an application so that might happen.

2) Hanging On The Telephone: Blonde; After weeks of a faulty phone we purchased a new one today! Which meant I could call my parents and check how they were.

3) Black Fingernails, Red Wine: Eskimo Joe; I love the song (Der....) but for obvious reasons it's relevent to my weekend. I'm also an old Goth so I get all nostalgic at times for chipped black fingernails and yellow stains. The song's on the TV lots lately as Eskimo Joe are featured at the Arias.

4) American Idiot: Green Day; Our "left leaning" ABC has programmed all the songs from the US elections protest CD, I have the Australian version. The idea was to get younger voters to think and vote to conscience on the war and other things. The Aus version has my fave line "It's 11-9 where I come from." It highlights how Americanised our cultre can be.

5) Rhiannon; the Dance: Fleetwood Mac; LISTEN TO THE LIVE STEVIE NICKS VERSION. The lyrics are great they tell of a guy who is in love with a witch and the bond they have after all their time together; at least that is what I hear. I also have this one on what they call high rotation at the moment. And he still cries out I love you.... Rhiannon rings like a bell throu the night
And wouldnt you love to love her
Takes to the sky like a bird in flight
And who will be her lover

All your life you've never seen a woman
Taken by the wind
Would you stay if she promised you heaven
Will you ever win

She is like a cat in the dark
And then she is the darkness
She rules her life like a fine skylark
And when the sky is starless ... and so on...

6) Shit! This is proving harder then I thought..... What's up Pussy Cat?: Tom Jones; One of our cats has been throwing up partially digested cat food, so I think the choice is explanatory.

7) So Far Away From Me: Dire Straits; Where the Boi is. Till the morning at least.

8) Do you think I'm sexy?: Rod Stewart; Hormones are going wild at the moment. Also something else going on. I have been seriously scoped on more then one occasion over the past three days. It's not even a full moon, I know I want to dress sexy, I'm highly aroused for no real reason (Hell, I saw a vid of GWB and thought maybe.... so something weird is happening, TMI? Sorry.) but guys aren't that susceptible to a woman in heat are they? Maybe I should use "Woman In Love" by Babs instead. (Ok, soon I'll have to deny knowing any of the songs inthis bit.)

9) Your Racist Friend: They Might Be Giants; The closer the day comes for the wedding, the more I hear this song in my head. It's not only the racism I fear, but the sexism, the religionism, the ismism.... the song is a great song in it's own right. Not their best; I'd argue New York City for that. It's also one of the more obscure songs on my list so the link should help.

10) The End: The Beatles; Because it's the end of my day, this list, a lot of things. Also for the lyric "The love we make is equal to the love we take." I don't know, I'd like to think we make more love then we take. Sadly I think the Beatles meant a global average.

So, a very long and colourful weekend meme. Sunday and Monday to go and I'll have legitimately done 7 in 7.

Derek and Clive; because what we need now is laughter.

2006-10-14T14:38:00.000+10:00

For the Derek and Clive fans out there; checkout MelbourneGirl. Two of the funniest most gloriously offensive bits I have seen in some time... you know you want to; GO HERE!

I will admit to not being a huge Dudley Moore, but Peter Cook rocks! his priest in Princess Bride... ROFLMAO! (Oh shit... I've hit nerdy white girl territory.)

For an even bigger hit of D&C try You Tube.

Saturday meme

2006-10-14T14:18:00.000+10:00

OK; I've done one over at Red Crayon. It's a Saturday Photo Hunt.

The one for here is taken from Amandarin. The answers as always are my own.

What were you doing one second ago?
Selecting a colour for the printing of my answers.
What were you doing an hour ago?
Reading blogs and avoiding doing the housework.

What were you doing yesterday?
I was sitting in classes all day for my Counselling course, followed by some photography around Moo, some time with the Boi and enjoying good food.

What were you doing a month ago?
Exercising to lose weight for IVF purposes. Working on assignments.

What were you doing a year ago?
Looking for a business to buy and go in to with the Boi.

What were you doing five years ago?
Working long hours, slowly killing myself, destroying a relationship.

What were you doing ten years ago?
Kicked out of University in Bendigo. Beginning to self destruct. Moving in with Omen. Shutting everyone out from my life emotionally. Entering a new scene where I found the real me. (Finally felt allowed to express my inner self with out to many fears of reprisals. Strangely the reprisals that happenend then are stil happening in a different way today.)

Who would you like to tag?
I wouldn't. If people want to be tagged though then consider them done.

Friday Meme (and a new blog)

2006-10-13T20:08:00.000+10:00

I've decided to make things easier and am now putting all creative expressions; photos, prose, poetry and pictures; into a new blog. This is partly because the Wordless Wednesday stuff took up more space then I wanted it too, but it's also so I can experiment with html and appearance without losing things that in the big picture mean more.

Now; Today's Meme challenge: Stolen from the Badger.

1. Three things that scare me:
The thought of my father dying.
Getting on the down escalator.
Fundamentalists of any faith.

2. Three people who make me laugh:
George Carlin
Terry Pratchett
Paul McDermott. (Rowr!)

3. Three things I hate the most:
Needing to exercise and modify eating habits to lose weight.
Paying twice as much for wheat free/ Gluten free products.
Size 6 sales assistants that look at you like your Martian because you're a size 16.

4. Three things I don't understand:
Wheat glucose syrup in products; also wheaten corn flour and the need to make almost every vegetable protein substitute from glutenous products.
Trigonometry.
Hi-5, and why they are so popular with anyone who is not a thirty year old male.

5. Three things I'm doing right now:
Drinking coffee.
Wearing a sarong and a skimpy mesh t-shirt.
Listening to the TV on in the background.

6. Three things I want to do before I die:
Publish a book of poetry that sells more then fifty copies.
Have a child.
Run my own business doing creative things; cards, soaps, crafts.

7. Three things I can do:
Make others feel good about who they are.
Bake a sponge from memory.
Remember useless stuff.

8. Three ways to describe my personality:
As supplied by The Boi;
Empathic.
Sexual.
Mixed.

9. Three things I can't do:
Lose weight easily, or motivate myself to exercise.
Blow my own horn, or ask for favours.
Use a fire arm.

10. Three things I think you should listen to:
The White Album; the Beatles.
Rumours: Fleetwood Mac.
My mother; someone has to and I don't see why it needs to be me.

11. Three things you should never listen to:
Anything sung by the Corrs.
Anything said by John Howard and the Liberal party.
Anything that is considered a Dogma.

12. Three things I'd like to learn:
Tai Chi.
How to make my own candles, soaps, beauty products, etc.
To sing well.

13. Three favorite foods:
Hot chips with tomato sauce.
Passionfruit yoghurt; good quality, not Yoplait.
I used to love a Vegetarian Laksa and Spring Rolls but I can't eat them anymore.

14. Three beverages I drink regularly:
Cinnamon Latte; From Hudsons.
Coffee; Timor Blend Fair Trade.
Tea; herbal, decaf (Twinings) or fair trade (Scarborough Fair.)

15. Three shows I watched as a kid:
Danger Mouse.
Cities of Gold.
My Secret Valley.

Steal This Post Meme Thursday.

2006-10-12T18:40:00.000+10:00

I stole:

Steal This Post Thursday Meme

From: Angela who got this idea from Michele, who stole it from Ethel.
Here are the directions:

"Go to Wikipedia and do a search for your birthday (day and month only, exclude the year).

Post three facts, two births and one death on your blog including the years."

Three facts:

1460 - Wars of the Roses: Battle of Wakefield.
1879 - The Pirates of Penzance is first performed (Paignton, Devon, England).
1948 - The play Kiss Me, Kate opens for the first of 1,077 performances.Two Births:

1865 - Rudyard Kipling, British writer, Nobel Prize laureate (d. 1936)
1942 - Michael Nesmith, American singer and musician (The Monkees) also: 1945 - Davy Jones, English singer (The Monkees) (Half the Monkees on my birthday!)

One death:
2004 - Artie Shaw, American jazz clarinetist, composer, and bandleader (b. 1910)

My very first Wordless Wednesday, with very wordy explanation.

2006-10-11T15:13:00.000+10:00

My Dad, about 64, at Lake Victoria in Gippsland, Victoria, circa 1990.
I like this because it captures his sense of humour as well as one of my happier teenage moments; which I didn't realise was while I was going through it.

Presenting... Digger Alexander

2006-10-10T22:06:00.000+10:00

Watching "The Closer" tonight reminded me of a thing that used to happen in college. It's the Pornstar name question.

My first pet was a mongrel called Digger. We lived in Alexander Ave. I would of been Digger Alexander.

Just for posterity.... now it's out there.

Tuesday Twosome #2.

2006-10-10T17:43:00.000+10:00

Choose and explain…

1. Shower or Bath; Bath, you can luxuriate and realy relax, the book you're reading doesn't end up as pulp, it doesn't dilute your coffee or make your GF Cookies soggy.

2. Comedy or Drama; Comedy, everyone needs to laugh more.

3. Coffee or Tea; Coffee when tired, Tea when trying to get fit. So normally Coffee.

4. Fiction or non-fiction; Depends on the mood; currently I am reading Bloodline of the Holy Grail which is fascinating (comparisson between the Bible and the original texts in relation to mistranslations especially) and I've just reread Bill Bryson's books on linguistics but normally I enjoy a good fiction that I can lose myself in; see profile.

5. Television or Movies; Movies; unless it's one of the "Junl food equivalent" shows I watch, like the CSI stuff, NCIS, Gray's Anatomy, House or Quiz shows. Mind you atm am loving Mythbusters being back on and hating Rockwiz being repeats.

7 Themes in 7 Days

2006-10-10T16:59:00.000+10:00

I've noticed that different days have themes, so my goal for this week is to link to at least 7 different themes for each day and participate. It's a way in which I can mindlessly blow of steam. My challenge will be finding ones that are PG.

This is Sunday, Monday and today.

Sunday: Name your top seven favorite flavors of soup.
I'm vegetarian and also have a gluten intollerance. This might be tricky. Most of the soups listed are home made:
Pumpkin Soup made by the Boi
Cauliflower and Leek Soup that I make
Spring Vegetable Soup made by my Dad
Corn Chowder as made by my Sister
"Let's just use up the old vegies" Soup as made by me
Vegan Hot and Sour soup
Tomato Soup, from a can, Hienz I think is safe, uses tapioca not wheat or barley.

Monday: Today's theme is Meet A Friend For Lunch Day. Guess what? You get to invite some musicians for a lunch at your favorite restaurant!

First, tell us where you're going and what kind of food they serve.
Soul Mamas in St Kilda. They serve Vegetarian and Vegan food that is so yummy.
Next, choose one person for each category to invite to lunch. They can be alive or not-so-alive:

A guitar player Niel Diamond A lead singer Stevie Nicks A woman Janene Garofalo A Beatle George Harrison A country artist Patsy Kline The least-famous member of your favorite band. Phil Small

Tuesday:Top 5 (or possibly 7) Songs with Days Of The Week In The Title
You can find it at: http://musicmemoirs.blogdrive.com/ I cannot link it for some reason.
Monday Monday; The Mamas and The Papas or Manic Monday; The Bangles
Ruby Tuesday; The Rolling Stones
Wednesday; Tori Amos
Thursday's Child; David Bowie
Friday On My Mind; The Easybeats or Friday I'm In Love; The Cure
Saturday Night; Cold Chisel or Saturday Night's Alright For Fighting; Elton John
Sunday Bloody Sunday; U2 or Sunday Bloody Sunday; John Lennon.

Screen message

2006-10-09T21:22:00.000+10:00

OK.... so this is totally juvenile and really not funny but it made me laugh.

One lady at the place I do volunteer work has a Nokia. The screen shows her network, her location, and the status of the phone (i.e. Locked).

It read "Virgin, Ringwood, Unlocked" which I initially read as "Virgin; Bring wood; Unlocked."

See.... juvenile, not funny, not even clever. It might be funnier if you consider spell check on Blogger has not got Nokia but has got nookie. :)

It made me laugh.

Something we all need to do more.

PS Went to Dr this morning; my toe not broken. HA! *Sticking out tongue and doing the 'I told you so' limping dance at the Boi." (Who wants to be a grown up?!?!)

Yours in total immaturity.

Hackers

2006-10-08T17:56:00.000+10:00

Once upon a time in Blogger their used to be a gorgeous, sensitive blog by a beautiful person of the pagan persuaion.

This blog had some wonderful ideas, and a rede that better expressed what it is to be Pagan then many that could be found.

Then one day someone encountered this blog and felt her heart and mind being opened, so she bookmarked it.

Upon returning to the bookmark she found that everytime she now clicks on it it becomes an add for thongs, like the ones you wear on your bottom.

So she thought she'd put out a request: If anyone knows where "Thongmum" or "Tragic: Welcome to my world" has vanished to can they give me the link.

Thanks.

Ouchies....

2006-10-08T11:58:00.000+10:00

Last night I (in the midst of pre passionate encounter prep) managed to walk into the shower corner. You know, the metal bit that sticks out at an inconvenient angle?

My first response was "OW! FUCK!" which got a good response from the Boi. When I could talk I told him what I'd done. Including the overly dramatic "I *short up take of breath* think *sniff* I *sob* broke *wail* it."

Well, I don't know what I did. Two toes bent back in a very ugly way. Only smallest toe was really throbbing. It wasn't broken as I could still manouver it with out use of fingers.

Only thing is, this morning I cannot put my foot down flat. The small toe is half black. I have pains shooting into my foot when not even placing pressure on it.

As a nurse I know better then to let things slide like this. I'm just too embarassed to go down to Emergency (closest thing this area has to a 24 hour clinic), take up valuable time (mine and theirs) to have it checked out... "Excuse me Sister, but my little toe hurts. Can you look at it for me?"

Predictably once the Boi realises that I am in discomfort he will make an appointment for me and make sure I look after myself. I'll do my usual "All Doctors are Fuckwits" rant. He'll make sense in a most frustrating way, and will resolve it all.

Until then... my toe hurts. *sob, sob, pout* :P

(Really gotta learn how to smiley face on this.)

Darth Tater

2006-10-08T09:57:00.000+10:00

I don't know how legitimate this is but I think it's cute.

If anyone knows where to buy them can they let me know as I might get the Boi one as a wedding present.

An ill informed rant. (But at least I'll admit it.)

2006-10-06T23:19:00.000+10:00

THIS made me sick.

I can just picture the spin doctors sitting around:

Sixteen year old page seduces Republican, taking advantage of his weakness related to his homosexuality.... hold on... 16, that's a bit young... um... we need a scape goat that the punblic won't side with um....

We'll blame the parents :stage mother pushing her child to get ahead. OF COURSE she encouraged her son to recieve sexually eplicit texts from Mr Foley. She probably even helped her son to respond.

But WAIT! NO! It was a set up by the opposition party.... they manipulated the page boys in to seducing Mr Foley.

HOLD ON.... The public are siding with the kids... um... "Who'll look after the children?!?"

I only know what little I've read and heard throught the media. I am not really in a position to take sides or make judgements. In my oppinion though (this is opposed to fact, it's one persons view point), any media organisation that uses such an awful act to not only further victimize the children involved (who at 16 really knows their mind?) but to push a political agenda in the face of such behaviour makes me sick.

Mr Fox Network, I hope your grandchild never has to go through this, another view can be found here.

Me Geek, You Normal.

2006-10-06T22:55:00.000+10:00

This is one of the Boi's fave pics of me, just in case people wanted to know what I looked like. It's about 5 years old, but not big change in appearance since then.

Omentoo over at Livejournal recommended this test.

I scored 48.71795%.

This makes me a "Super Geek"

I am so proud.

If I was a bigger geek I would be able to put a link button on this site so people could just push it.

DOH!